beanpot
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Everything posted by beanpot
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Stay strong Alldaisies.
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Day 43: It's like a spiral. A downward spiral. If I think about it, I just keep thinking about it, and thinking, and thinking. So I try and snap out of it. But the only thing that TRULY helps me to stop thinking about it is to think about reconciling.
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Haha oh how wonderful! It's actually really neat to see that we are on the same NC path... I can relate to how you feel. It's helpful to see that we as a species go through very similar thought processes and emotional struggles
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I'm glad I have a NC companion at almost the same day count
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I know... sometimes the misery becomes so intense the only way I can even get out of the downward spiral is to think about reuniting with her. It's a bad place to be. On one hand it keeps things bearable... on the other hand it means that there is always this baseline level of pain that isn't leaving.
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Day 42: I often find myself wishing that time would speed up. I'm thankful for work, for running, for friends, for family, and for this forum.
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Day 39: Falling asleep is easy because I'm usually exhausted. Waking up is so hard because I inevitably wake up thinking about her. Without fail.
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Day 36: This weekend is the wedding we were supposed to go to together. I was anxious about this before... But nothing can be worse than not hearing from her on my birthday. So this is just a small bump by comparison.
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Haha welcome back I also went on a cruise myself to Alaska though I have to say I had the completely opposite experience. Everywhere I turned I saw couples walking about. Oy that was a tough thing.
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Day 33: My work continues to be a refuge from spiraling thoughts about the relationship. I have a wonderful group of friends who have been there for me, supportive, keeping me company, occupied... But it's been months and months since we parted ways. Almost everybody now expects that I am better and good to go... But the reality is that I am not. Not even close. I'm not good to go. I'm still in pain... pain that just does not let go. And I know that to tell them I am not better will only disappoint them. They've done their part and gotten me through the acute phase... This is literally the hardest thing that I have ever gone through in my life.
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I know what you mean haha... That's actually exactly why I don't post my situation... Because I know ultimately people will tell me that I just need to move on... I also feel exactly what you are feeling... over the desperate phase of pining and needing to back together. But still so much sorrow and emptiness inside. Stay strong brother.
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Day 32: It gets easier to the point where I am not crying on a daily basis anymore. But I still have moments that hit so hard it hurts like a freight train. I still hope... and pray... that she will return and allow me to give her my best, my all, my everything. Holding onto this hope helps me get through the days with less pain... but it also means I continue to have pain... Talk about a catch-22. God help me. Sometimes I just can't sleep... so I get out of bed, and start typing into my private journal, and start typing into this forum... just to let me fingers fly and my mind diffuse.
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Day 16: It's getting closer to my birthday. I just want it to pass. I don't want to celebrate.
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That's a really unstable dude right there. You got your answer without having to invest any more time. Consider it a blessing! Now to truly move on. He is NOTHING. You are everything. Keep your head up.
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I have been where you are. I brought back a lot of fear back into the relationship. Fear and hurt. If you do want to try again, give it everything you have. This way, if things end again and it fails, you know that you gave it your all. That's what I regret the most. When I got another chance, I didn't give my best. I gave me fear, my hurt, my worry, my anxiety. And now that it didn't work out again... I feel so guilty about it. I feel like I am such a failure for ruining the second chance. Give it your everything. Be the best you can be. If it works then wonderful. If it doesn't work at least you won't regret not giving every fiber of your being and trying your best.
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Day 15: My brain is just a chaotic mess of what-ifs.
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If your immediate reaction isn't one of being excited and willing to return to the relationship... then don't do it. Think about it. Give yourself time to reflect.
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Day 14: I feel really empty
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Day 13: It's rough.
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I had the opportunity to rekindle after she left me the first time to work on herself. I didn't know if it was going to be month, years, or forever... It was an indefinite period of time that ended up being 3 months. But I brought so much of the pain and suffering that I had from the 3 months apart back into the rekindled relationship that I pushed her away again. The last time she left it was just slightly easier because there wasn't anything I could do... it came out of nowhere. This time... I am the responsible party for her leaving again. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed to feel loved and wanted. I was so distraught, heartbroken, and anxious about the fact that she had left me once that I didn't cherish her return. And now she is gone again. And the self-guilt and self-flagellation have been ever-present in my mind.
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Sorry to see you back Saluk. But your presence and comments are always welcomed. I am sorry it's been a rough one. God social media is the absolute killer. Despite me thinking about my ex incessantly... the one thing I've been able to do (thank goodness) is to avoid ALL social media. I stopped using FB and Instagram. I didn't delete her. I just stopped using them myself. Which isn't a bad thing since they are time consuming to begin with. Social media is so destructive...
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I'm sorry It's gotta be everything you can do to stay silent and not buckle. You have some crazy strong resolve. Good on you!
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Day 12: Today is one of those days where the thousand "what-ifs" come into mind. I try so hard to distract myself. So hard. But I fail.
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God that's a hard situation...