saltwatergirl

Where did I assume? I ended the sentence with a question mark---last time I checked that indicates a question, not a statement. A question that was formed based on the impressions I got from your post. None of that = assumption.

My impressions:

You called her out for staying with a man who cheated on her, dumped her for you, then went back. You said "i know for a fact"she didnt know,, but if you didn't know he was cheating on her with you, how the heck would you know that? If you came to learn he was cheating on her with you after you got with him, then why are you commenting on her low self respect for wanting him back, when you seem to be doing the same thing (based of course on your past posts)?

Seems to me you'd be ready to lose the cheater, not make judgements about his latest victim's character. Seemed a little misdirected to me.

But, whatever floats your boat.

No, I didnt take it out of context. You decided against a birthday card based on seeing her as his #1 friend on myspace. At least, that is what you posted. I just found that a little odd, considering everything else he has done, that a myspace issue would sway the vote.

Salt

Stop believing his "I will change" and "I love you" BS because that is all it is, pure BS. He has already lied and cheated so many times and you keep thinking maybe this time he has finally seen the light, but I am certain you are setting yourself up for more heartache if you keep trying to believe a LIE. Staying involved with all this could do serious psychological damage, and completely destroy your capacity to trust another human being, I know you love him but he isn't worth your mental health being messed up. Get your daughter, pack, and go stay with parents. Stop this vicious cycle and deal with the sadness that comes because you have NO reason to believe anything he says. He is a proven liar, a proven cheater, and is a cruel person saying the things he has said to you. He also takes zero responsibility and has manipulated you to the point where you now think things are your fault when in reality they are not. He is messing with your head, and you have to put a stop to it. You already have the rationalizations and perceptions of a person who has been abused in some way. It will only get worse, you need to get out of this mess, hard or not, you have no other choice. Get up and leave. In time, alone, you will start to unravel things in your mind and really see what you have been subjected to, and see how completely distorted your views have become.

Find your courage, and get up on your feet and fix this problem.

Salt

It's really your call to try to forgive or not. And don't think just syaing the words will make it so. You will not trust him for a long time. But it is your decision.

So True.

Salt

By the way, you're 35 years old, and you're upset about who someone has as their 'number 1 friend on myspace page"....have you said that outloud?

Salt

Im just very disappointed and upset with how things have turned out between us.

I bet she is! Especially since the guy she cheated with apparently didnt work out in her favor! I agree, this is hilarious! Please don't dignify it with a response.

What a piece of work she is!

Salt

i know she has no idea the time he spent with me when they dated before. or else she has no self respect to stay with a man who cheated on her, dumped her for me, and then got her back?!!?!

 

He cheated on her with you? You got with him when he had a girlfriend, knowingly, but you feel she has no respect for herself?

Salt

after I tell her every guy is the same, and then she counters with, "well than what makes you different"

 

Easy answer: You're in love with her. Other men aren't. So you behave differently.

As for fair, yes it is fair. She slept with another guy. Not only should you not be forced into a situation of meeting him but she shoudl have absolutely NO further contact with him and if she is balking at either of those two things, you need to hit the bricks and i mean that.

Dont take this BS for another minute. Give her the ultimatums mentioned above and she either accepts them, or she's out.

Salt

This may sound harsh but.....

First of all, you said you ignored her for 4 days after your argument. Then you got mad that she didn't continue to try and beg and call! You had no right to get upset over the birthday deal, you had FLAT OUT ignored her attempts to contact you. I dont understand that. That was childish and mean. I would have written you off as well. You have behaved in a selfish, spoiled way. I am stunned that you sat there and ignored her attempts but then had the nerve to get mad when she did jump all over calling you on your birthday. How egotistical!

From reading the rest of the post: she appears to have tried on several occasions to rekindle things or was at least open to rekindling them, and each time you blocked it. You then said you were hoping 'she' asked you to move in? Let me ask you a question: why don't you ever initiate anything? Why do you wait on her to do things while your own wants and desires remain hidden? You do nothing when you are with her but then when apart you seem to want it all, but yet want HER to do all the work. Why is that?

Rejoining the dating site within a week of your argument with her was stupid. It also shows a complete lack of feelings for her. So why all the sudden do you think you are 'In Love" with her? I seriously question that.

You seem to think that when you are angry, you can behave however with no regard for her feelings or the relationship, that all bets are off and you can do whatever because You Are Mad! But then act like you are stunned that she isn't around, and "devestated"......How egotistical.

I dont think you both behaved like children, I think YOU behaved like a child.

The first thing you need to do is stop sitting there waiting for her to text you. You need to get off your a$s and do some pursuing, and face whatever possible rejection might come with it. This is the only way of proving yourself, and yes, you do need to prove yourself. Instead you sit there and wait for HER to text YOU. You still arent doing your share of anything. And right now your share is about 70/30.

You told her you were sorry and wanted another shot. Well, if that's true, why aren't you going after it? Why did you just sit there tonite and expect HER to come to YOU? Then you log off after thirty minutes, because she didnt initiate anything? What do you think your effort here should be? Nothing? Again this is extremely egotistical. I see no effort from you so far. None. Im sure she thought the same thing tonite when you didn't text.

You seem so far to be a joke. An egotistical, game playing joke. If you dont want to be taken as such, then start doing something constructive and really take a good hard look at how selfish you behave.

Salt

This seems silly to me. You left because of all the fighting and also she was physical with you. Now you are thinking about returning to that? Why? Boredom with the new girl? A lull in your life? Guilt? I dont see the point.

Salt

I dont like this at all. If he had good intentions he would not be "too busy" the month of August. Nothing would take that priority above this relationship if in fact it's what he wants. I would not do this at all. I think if you do, you are in for a lot of pain.

Salt

Ask her again. If she turns you down a second time, accept that it is done for whatever reason, for now, and forget about it.

Salt

Well, your lies and cheating during this relationship have really done a great deal of damage here and you need to accept that you may not be able to salvage anything. I cant imagine hearing all that and still considering a relationship with him. If I were you I would send the letter, yes, and then I would totally disappear. She likely needs time alone without contact from you so that she can process what she has heard.

I'd also like to mention, that considering she also cheated on you twice, you both have some serious thinking to do, and I think it best to do that thinking alone. You dont want to make a rash decision to get back together just because you miss each other if you are not both totally committed to NOT CHEATING ANYMORE ON EACH OTHER. Maybe the time has come to end this relationship? Maybe it's time and purpose is over?

Time alone is what you need, and her too. I'd send the letter then fade to the background and give it time and space.

PS congrats on victory over the cancer and the addiction to random sex.

Salt

Giving passwords means nothing. He probably doesnt use those for anything and likely has other addresses you are clueless about. I would really be wary here, he seems too over the top for me.

Salt

So bottom line is it sounds like one big coincidence that i shouldnt worry about...i dont wanna be lied to.

Well, he obviously isnt going to tell you "Yes it is me". So you cant find out by asking anymore. So yes, you have no choice but to let it go from that standpoint.

Should you let it go for good? Who knows...that depends. How much investigative detective work do you feel like putting in to this?

Salt

Sounds like you are different types...there are those people who dont need lots of this type of stuff, and others who do. So you have to match up with the same type. Maybe you haven't. She could easily find a man who doesnt see the all out importance of this stuff, and you could easily find a girl who does and doesnt have to be directed to do it......This is what you call not a good match, IMO.

Salt

You have to stop torturing yourself with contacting her. I thought you were not contacting? When did you do that, tonite? Why?

Salt

I want to know what I am to tell our mutual friends so I dont end up looking like a liar if I just assume things.

1. She won't give you the truth, so don't worry about looking like a liar. You wont get the true answer from her. Tell the friends what you believe happened and leave it at that. Why does she get to decide that?

2. Not a good idea to contact, don't send it and don't call. You are doing good don't mess it up with contact.

Salt

....but today something snapped and I have this strong sense that he's going to come back to me and that we'll both put in the effort to start a new relationship with each other. So I'm strangely happy and optimistic ...

This is called denial. The average stay in this stage of the grieving process varies.

Salt

The deep pain you are experiencing, and especially the anger and nightmares of his cheating, etc., is going to be what saves you from giving your heart to this person again. You're going to be okay.

It is okay to be angry. Maybe even necessary.

Salt

Thanks Fischy. And congrats on the milestone!

Salt

I messed up these last couple of years by not showing her the attention she deserved and needed. I need to realize what I have done wrong all these years and try to make a change for good.

I did screw up tho. When all she did was love me and try to work things out, all I did was push her away and spent no time with her. I also missed many important dates that meant so much to her.

Well Chloe, I don't know what post you read, but that is what he stated above. And if that isn't "taking responsibility" I don't know what would be.

He cannot go back in time and undo what was done. He cannot change the past actions. Taking responsibility means: acknowledging what you did, asking forgiveness, realizing what you need to do instead, and suffering the painful consequences of your actions. Now, which of those things has he NOT done?? Because the way I read it, he has done/is doing all of that. Is there something more to be done? Other than go back in time and not do it, which might be difficult for him considering science hasn't yet created a time travel machine, the above is his only alternative. I don't know what past issues you have that you are bringing into your postings to him, but he is not the rightful target of your attack, so please ease up.

To the OP: Continue giving her space, be there when she calls, and continue to reassure her of your love and devotion when given the opportunity to speak to her. Maybe in time she will give you another chance.

Salt

I agree with all of that. Don't try to get something out of him now. You won't and you'll just end up looking foolish and clingy. All he is going to give you is BS anyway, why bother.

As was stated, tell him take as much time as he needs, give him more space than NASA, and get on with your life. When he comes back, you probably won't want to be bothered anymore, and you will have left with your dignity intact.

Salt

They are less likely to get a secret second personality online

You, my friend, speak the truth.

Salt

We can't expect other people to wait around while we do things, even if those 'things' are innocent and necessary.

You made the decision to take time and sort through your thoughts and feelings, and come to a place of acceptance. You made that decision because it is necessary for you to do so, in order to heal and have a functioning relationship with her, or anyone else. It is 'mind work' that you need to do, and the time has come to do it. You can't compel her to wait on you to finish with it. And the worry over what she does during this time, or what effect this might have on the relationship, is something you will have to release, along with everything else.

All you can do is know you are doing some necessary work, and let go of the fear of losing her in the meantime. In other words, do what you must do now and let the chips fall where they may.

The "mind work" that you have to do now is a result of her previous actions. She did things that led to you being insecure, fearful, untrusting, and bitter. You don't owe her anything. You owe yourself, and it's time to pay up.

Salt

I just get so insecure when he's out doing his thing without me.

Well, why dont you try going out and "doing your thing" without him?? Expand your own circle of friends. find something other than him and what he might be doing to occupy your mind and your time. You'll reduce your stress and at the same time loosen the grip he appears to have on you. Develop lots of outside interests of your own.

That's my advice.

Salt