neverknown

I just realized today marks 60 days since we last had contact. I still have feelings of longing, but when I think back to how I felt even a month ago I can tell I'm making progress. The wheels of change are in motion, and I'm excited to see what this year holds. Keep pushing on, everyone. You're all doing great, and it will be okay. Really.

Hey, I feel awful right now. Being apart from you is the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. I can’t even bring myself to feel joy at all. For some reason, the holiday season seems to be making it worse. Everything is dark and I can’t pull myself out. It’s been just over two weeks since we officially parted ways. Things were rocky for about a month prior, and I think we both knew deep down that the end was coming. It just hurt too much for either of us to admit it. I’m still amazed at how amicable our breakup was. The relationship was never broken. We were both committed to the very end, and nobody’s feelings were hurt irreparably. Years from now, we can look back on all this without bitterness and just be glad that we were able to touch each other’s lives. I see it as a testament to the strength of our friendship over the years. We never fought. We were like-minded in so many ways. It made it easy and so rewarding to love you. Sometimes I'm angry that we ended despite the fact that we still care for each other so much. My mind fills up with the what-ifs and the whys. But you know it needed to be done. And so did I. We are at different stages in life, and the only way for you to progress is for you to go on by yourself. Having me on the sidelines supporting you would only hinder your progress, and make me feel unwanted in the process. If only we had met a few years later than we did. I know that we are both holding out small hope that we will find each other again. I want nothing more than this, but I realize it’s not likely to happen. There are too many variables that would need to be perfectly aligned in order for us to get back together. In the process of finding yourself, you will change. I will change. You’ll find someone else, and maybe I will too, before our paths cross again. It’s funny how these situations always make you wish you had a time machine so you could go back and prevent all this from happening. But I realize that all I could have done is delay it for a while. Maybe a few months, maybe even a few years, but it was surely inevitable. You have to be on your own for a while. Be your own person. Without me. Live the life you were never able to have. I didn’t want this. I want nothing more than to be with you. It’s all I can think about when I’m awake. It’s all I dream about at night. I hate not seeing your face. I hate seeing the empty seat in my car. I hate not being able to listen to you talk about your day before bed. Most of all, I hate that I have to drink myself to sleep every night now that you’re gone. I hate it. I miss you. I miss you and love you so much.