tmf2004

Day 76 after break up. Have not seen or talked to in person. She wanted to still hang out after breaking it off, but I thought it wasn't a good idea for me. Was very, very hard for the first 50 days, and it's still hard. But not as painful. Plus, I am sleeping better and able to regularly again. I do admit to not being full no contact-I occasionally peek at her Facebook status. Thankfully, she rarely posts. I would recommend to all out there to deactivate from Facebook when you're really struggling. In the first couple weeks after breakup, I drank too much and once posted an innane, random comment (but nothing mean or romantic) under one of her pictures, then deleted it a few hours later when sobriety hit. Then a week after that I posted a comment about a concert I was at (when drinking) that I knew she had wanted to attend. I had bought tickets for her months earlier. I wrote how it was the best show I had seen in ages. I deleted it the next day. At the time I posted, I thought I was just having fun, drinking, loving the band, enjoying life, and shouldn't worry about what anyone else thought. But after further review, I could see how it could be hurtful to her, if she read it, or at the least make me look small and sort of pathetic. Then, I had sort of gave a last gasp Facebook "Like" to her one post of a TV show clip a month or so ago. Only two other people liked it, and a few days later she deleted it. It may have meant nothing at all. She may have deleted it because she didn't think the post was that funny or was neurotic about only a few people "Liking" it. Still, when you're struggling with a break up, it's hard not to read into things and be hurt and think somehow it has something to do with me. So...to end my ramble. Deactivate, go full no contact, and healing is easier. Hope you are all hanging in and well out there. I admire all of you. Your courage is inspiring.

It's been two months since you uttered the dreaded, "We need to talk," and the equally depressing, "It's not you, it's me" line to me. I know you tried to let me down easily. I appreciated the effort. You jokingly wondered if you should be hurt since I appeared uneffected by it. I was just in shock and did not want to be a bitter jerk. God, it was hard. You still wanted to hang out, but I knew it wasn't a good idea. It would hurt too much. Wish I was more mature and able to do that, but I just can't. You said you needed to be alone to work on yourself and that your medication for depression wasn't working so well. I wanted to say that you could reach out if you ever felt super-low, but I couldn't find the words. Plus, I wondered if you were just trying to save my feelings and already had someone else. Could not face that and didn't (and still don't) want to know. I wanted to send you a birthday card last month, but I didn't want to stir anything up and mess up any healing for myself. I really, really, really miss you, but I know I have to respect your decision to end the romance. Occasionally, I replay what you said as you left my apartment during our last moments together. You said while crying, "Am I ever going to see you again?" Deep down, I so wish that I could. I wish you would come back to me. But I know it's over now. It can never be what it was. And the only way I can move on is to not connect with you at all. I can let go. I can. Have to look forward and move on. Thank you for sharing your life with me for a while. I had a great time.