FreeStater

You lied about everything. You lied by omission when you started having feelings for him and not being responsible enough to let me know and end things with me before you followed those feelings. You lied when I first began to get suspicious and you acted innocent. You lied about what you were doing when you stayed out late every night. You lied when I discovered that you were in constant contact with him and then deflected it by blaming me for snooping. You lied when you said you wanted to go to marriage counseling because of your vows. You lied when I suspected that it was just to buy more time before I left so that you could have everything ready before you kicked me out. You lied about him being at your graduation. You lied when you said that wasn't him waiting outside in a car when you came home on the final night. You lied when you said you weren't mad at me. You were furious and spiteful and mean spirited and you finally let it out on our last argument. The mask finally came off when you let the hate shine through in your eyes and when you told me you wanted to hit me as you gritted your teeth and clenched your fists. I didn't know you had it in you to cruelly and maliciously manipulate and lie to me and gaslight me. Neither having the decency to not screw him while I still shared a bed with you nor the compassion to just tell me so I could stop doubting my sanity. You made no attempt to hide that you were having an affair and forced me to believe the evidence or believe you. I just want to forgive you. I know that people do what you did all the time. I know it's part of human nature. I know that carrying resentment and anger towards you only hurts me. I'm trying. I think I can do it.

Day 4 I feel better with each passing day. I've read enough to anticipate regressions though, and if one comes I'll do my best to stay calm and not break NC. It's getting easier to remember that I wanted to end our relationship several times and to remember why. She's off the pedestal. I still miss her and I'm still afraid of a new life and I suppose I'll have regrets for the rest of my life that my beautiful daughter won't have a 50's sitcom childhood with an intact family. I just remember that she isn't perfect and I'm replacing despair with hope.

I left for home on monday at noon EST, got here at 3 am CST. 16 hour drive. It was good though. I didn't have the radio on for the first 12 hours. I just drove and thought and thought and felt the full spectrum from despair to hope to acceptance. When I did turn the radio on it was a bunch of songs that seemed to speaking directly to my circumstances and it felt good, like the Universe was aware of my plight and sending me good vibes. So, I suppose I'll count my no contact as starting today. We have a 4 yr old daughter and some contact will need to happen. I've asked her to restrict everything to email that isn't an emergency, though. Her mom has daycare duty and I'm using her to call my daughter. If she texts me or messages me on facebook I'll probably be ok unless she changes her profile pic to include her new boyfriend, then I'll block her. The last two mornings when I've woken up I've felt pretty bad, having dreams of her where I just seem to re-experience the pain of breakup and rejection in new and exciting ways. It's good to reconnect with my family and old friends though, so I've been in a better frame of mind in the evening. My family seems to instinctively know that I don't want to talk about her and they don't bring her up at all. I bought a gym membership yesterday and I'm going to go tonight after peak hours. I doubt any women will be throwing themselves at me since I've let myself go a bit and I probably stink of desperation and rejection. My intention is to remain faithful to the marriage until the divorce is official. It's not about what she does, it's about who I want to be. I might also be doing it to not ruin any chance of reconciliation, but I think it's the right thing to do. It would be pretty bad if, after making a big dumb speech about not believing in divorce and fighting for marriage, I start sleeping around. It's probably a moot point, because like I said, I doubt I'm very attractive right now. My cousin told me not to get a job right away because in his experience the enormity of my situation is going to hit me later (it can feel worse? that's terrifying to think) and I won't be able to function. It seems like fair advice, so I'm going to spend at least the next week feeling things out before I start applying for work. I feel like a fish out of water here. I grew up here but for the past 8 years my life has been in other, better parts of the country and defined by her. I don't want to compare this to the pain of losing a life partner to death, but that is sort of what this feels like. Like my life has been stolen from me and I'm a stranger looking in on everything. I have hope that things will get better, though.

I just moved out. Said goodbye to my 4 yr old daughter. That wasn't easy. Now I'm back in my mom's house starting over from zero. I need a friend to talk to this about. You were my only friend.

I hate that you introduced me to the man you are ing and that I shook his hand. That was ing evil of you.

I'm sitting here listening to Damien Rice songs and it seems like my emotions which usually inhabit a corner of my mind have expanded to fill the entirety of my being. They're just vibrating along with these songs. The most natural thing in the world right now is to sit beside you and play Cannonball for you and me to listen to, for you to melt into my arm, to look up at me, with inviting eyes, and needing to be kissed. We don't do that now, though. You're somewhere else, with someone else.