sarah18

Why haven't you reached out after 6 weeks of no contact? It really goes to show how much I truly meant to you. Apparently not much. But I miss you. But my mind is blocking my memories. As I sit here, I try to think of you, of us hanging out together, just sitting at home. But I can't. My mind won't let me. After 6 weeks of no contact, it's like you don't even exist. But I wish you would just text me. Ask me how I've been. Say hi. I want to hear about your life. Don't you miss me too? I don't understand how you don't miss me...

You gave up on me. After a year and a half of being best friends and supporting each other. Yes, we had our rough patches. But you gave up. You blamed the stress in you life on me, when in actuality, I was the only one who cared enough to be there for you unconditionally. You made me an emotional wreck, you made me unable to recognize myself. I lost who I was. I used to be so incredibly strong, confident, and knew my self-worth. You made it so much harder for me to recognize myself in the mirror. And now that things are done, I can't decide how I feel. It's a mixture of relief and regret. I wish I could never see you again, but it kills me to know thats impossible and that I will certainly see you in 2 months time. We have so many mutual friends, and I know that my strength and maturity is going to be tested. I also know that you are immature and insecure. I know that you are going to try to flirt with my friends, and if you see me out, you will grab the nearest girl and think "I'll show you". The worst part is that I will be affected by it, as much as I try to ignore it. I know that in 2 months when we are back in the same town, you are going to try to hurt me. You are going to try your hardest to provoke a reaction in me. You will want to see me suffer, you will want to validate yourself, you will want to know that you still have power over me. And you won't. What will you do when I am fine? When I have found myself again? When I am having the time of my life by myself? You always restricted me, got to jealous when I went out with my friends, and only wanted to lay around indoors. I know I am going to have so much more fun without you. So what happens when you see that? Before I met you, I wasn't looking for anyone. I was strong, independent, and loving life. In two months, I WILL have that back. I will come back and take the town by storm. So, when you see me doing well, what will you do? I hope you feel terrible about yourself, and realize its time to stop creating this facade of a person that you are trying to be. You will be empty inside, and you will have no one who truly cares.

Day 35. I have been doing everything I can to keep my mind off of him, and I have not broken contact once which I am quite proud of. I am currently staying with one of my friends who is the girlfriend of my exes best friend, so I have had to hear small tidbits of information about him and what the boys are doing this weekend. This has been slightly painful to hear, but of course, what do I expect? He is trying to move on, just as I am.