I am abusive and I don't want to be

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, we are both in our mid twenties and we are pregnant with a baby. Earlier on in our relationship we had troubles with abusive behavior on both side, but it has been better for the better part of this last year. We pride ourselves on being the exception and the ones that made it, helping each other heal instead of continuing down a road of hurt and abuse. Maybe because I am pregnant now I have started losing my temper again and have hit him twice I scream and yell and I don't want to be like that I don't want to do that and I am so scared if that is who I will keep being or if it is just because of the pregnancy and I just need to stop but I don't know how. I know that my boyfriend does not "make me hit him" but I know what he does that triggers me doing it. I know that screaming and hitting isn't the answer and isn't the way I'm supposed to respond, and I know that I can't just shut myself off and make myself not care, or erase memories or information out of my head. But I can't find a way to handle it and I need to. When we had problems earlier in the relationship, we had both recently been in relationships where we were abused, but had otherwise not portrayed behavior like that, which is why it seemed a lot like it was possible for us to heal and grow together.

But still the same things are, I am responding to the same types of things in violence. It is always when I feel shut out by him and like I am not able to respond.

Like, he'll say something that either hurts my feelings or is really concerning, sometimes to me or sometimes just to himself, and then I respond to it and he'll say like, forget about it, or don't worry about it, pretend I didn't say anything. And then sometimes I prod and sometimes I just try really hard to do that and just "forget about it" but when I'm prodding and he doesn't want to talk about it, it's like a snowball picking up mass as it goes, or when I just try to not think about it's like a bomb that just builds up pressure. So I know WHAT I'm triggered by. I know that this wasn't behavior I always had. I know that we aren't normally like this. Even when we had both just gotten out of abusive relationships, episodes were sporadic and we healed early on.

I just. I don't know how to respond when I'm supposed to not respond, but I can't just make it go away either. But I can't be like this, this can't be the foundation for our life and the life we make for the baby, it's not the foundation we've been building for years. I'm not going to let myself become a monster in my boyfriends life or worse my child's. though people tell me when I'm not pregnant I will not be crazy like this, it's not like that makes it okay now. If I just think it's okay to be ed up now, that would just make the door to abuse easier anytime, and abuse is never okay.

I'm just looking for the other option I know is there but can't see, when I know violence is not the answer, and I can't pretend like nothing happened, and I have to respect that my boyfriend may be thinking or feeling some things he's not ready to fully talk about. Idk what to do in that moment to not freak out.

I'm going to bullet point my answer:

1. Get help. Don't be ashamed or think that it's not for you. You clearly need to learn how to respond non-violently to the things that bother you. Remember that verbal abuse is abuse too, and it's just as bad as physical abuse. Therapy will teach you some techniques to use when you feel something triggering you.

2. Don't just tell your partner you want to change - actually do it. If he used to be physically abusive but stopped, what made him stop? Maybe what worked for him could also work for you. Communicate. Tell him what triggers you and you can both decide on a strategy for when that happens.

3. Definitely think about the safety and well being of your baby. If god forbid you are violent in front of your child or things come to a head and you need a few days to sort things out with your partner, is there someone who could take care of the baby/child while you're doing this? Think about these things, because they might come in handy.

4. Accept that you might not be ready to be in a romantic relationship while you're working on these issues. It might be helpful to take a break from being a wife and concentrate solely on being a good mum and getting therapy for your issues.

5. Believe that you can change. Just because you are/were violent doesn't mean that's the way you need to respond forever. Contrary to what a lot of people say, people CAN change. But they only change when they themselves want to, not just because everyone else wants it.

Hope it gets better.