Emotional distance vs geographical distance?

For those of you that have been/are currently in a LDR, how do you determine why you feel so distant? I know with a partner you see all the time, its usually easy (unless completely blinded by love) for me to pick up when they started losing interest. Opinions? Experiences? Thoughts?

For me, it's all about the frequency and intensity of contact. Usually in the beginning of an LDR there is a continual stream of emails and phone conversations. These understandably diminish as the initial "falling in love" feelings wear off, but they shouldn't taper off to almost nothing. If communication becomes less frequent and less affectionate, it's a good indication that my partner has lost interest or is distracted by something else (work, school, someONE else?) Usually I address the issue by stating my concerns openly (without sounding nagging or manipulative). If that leads to deep conversation and reconnection, great. If excuses are made or my concerns are dismissed out of hand, it's probably time to move on.

For me, it's all about the frequency and intensity of contact. Usually in the beginning of an LDR there is a continual stream of emails and phone conversations. These understandably diminish as the initial "falling in love" feelings wear off, but they shouldn't taper off to almost nothing. If communication becomes less frequent and less affectionate, it's a good indication that my partner has lost interest or is distracted by something else (work, school, someONE else?) Usually I address the issue by stating my concerns openly (without sounding nagging or manipulative). If that leads to deep conversation and reconnection, great. If excuses are made or my concerns are dismissed out of hand, it's probably time to move on.

I was just wondering. My bf and I met online, but I have met him in person. When I am physically w/him or vid chatting, I feel loved and very close w/him. From the start he was never a texter and sometimes he can go a day w/out texting me, he has gotten a little better (I told him it bothers me), but there are days where we exchange less then 5 texts. I have asked for more vid chatting and we do anywhere from 2 or 3 times a week, he agrees if not busy and we spend an hour or more talking. I don't need to text 24/7, but its hard adjusting to having him reply 6 or more hours later. He was 1st to say I love you, always talks about his visit here (hopefully he shows up), how lucky he is etc. I feel like is he interested then not, Idk.

I think part of it is feeling a general sense of security - foundational security- so that the purpose of contact is not reassurance. It simply that it's nice to connect. I personally do not think long distance relationships can work unless you can see the person at least every two weeks on average unless you're looking for a mostly fantasy relationship. Or if you're already solidly committed and one slide has to travel for work for a long time or similar. My husband and I were long distance when we got back together but saw each other about every 11 days and spoke every night. We were exclusive on the day we decided to get back together and knew I would be willing to relocate eventually. Except for one part of one day o never felt like I needed to talk to him for reassurance about our connection. Sure if we argued we needed to feel ok again but I didn't need to keep on contsmtvtouch to feel connected because of that foundational comfort and security and trust.

I think part of it is feeling a general sense of security - foundational security- so that the purpose of contact is not reassurance. It simply that it's nice to connect. I personally do not think long distance relationships can work unless you can see the person at least every two weeks on average unless you're looking for a mostly fantasy relationship. Or if you're already solidly committed and one slide has to travel for work for a long time or similar. My husband and I were long distance when we got back together but saw each other about every 11 days and spoke every night. We were exclusive on the day we decided to get back together and knew I would be willing to relocate eventually. Except for one part of one day o never felt like I needed to talk to him for reassurance about our connection. Sure if we argued we needed to feel ok again but I didn't need to keep on contsmtvtouch to feel connected because of that foundational comfort and security and trust.

We will hopefully be able to see each other every 2 months or so and we would have def talked about moving closer (no solid plans yet, we have been together just a couple months). After being let down by friends and guys, I am very untrusting towards a lot of people until they show me they care about me.

My SO and I were in a LDR for about a year and a half. He was working in Africa and I am here in the states. We saw each other about every 6-7 weeks for a week at a time. It was not easy. He's now back home and we live together quite happily.

To make it work, you need:

1. Consistent communication. We used Facebook IM, email and Skype. We would have used snail mail as well had it not been virtually impossible in Africa.

2. Quality of conversation, meaning intimacy/emotional connection, is even more important that quantity.

3. A schedule of when your next visit will be so that you have something to look forward to.

4. A long term plan as to when you will live in the same town.

Your situation is difficult in that you have never lived in close proximity. My SO and I went to school together so we already had an established relationship prior to him leaving the country. I was in your situation with a different boyfriend once and it was very difficult. Plus, we never had #4 above, so it was frustrating to both of us. Ultimately, we were not well suited for each other and I broke it off.

To answer your question above, I could always sense a distance when the quality of our conversations began to decline. It takes work to maintain emotional connectedness. When either of us felt that happening, we would increase our skype time, and also, would find ways to increase the depth of our conversations. It's more than "how was your day?" You need to have deep conversations in order to really know and understand each other.

Hope that helps.

My SO and I were in a LDR for about a year and a half. He was working in Africa and I am here in the states. We saw each other about every 6-7 weeks for a week at a time. It was not easy. He's now back home and we live together quite happily.

 

To make it work, you need:

1. Consistent communication. We used Facebook IM, email and Skype. We would have used snail mail as well had it not been virtually impossible in Africa.

2. Quality of conversation, meaning intimacy/emotional connection, is even more important that quantity.

3. A schedule of when your next visit will be so that you have something to look forward to.

4. A long term plan as to when you will live in the same town.

 

Your situation is difficult in that you have never lived in close proximity. My SO and I went to school together so we already had an established relationship prior to him leaving the country. I was in your situation with a different boyfriend once and it was very difficult. Plus, we never had #4 above, so it was frustrating to both of us. Ultimately, we were not well suited for each other and I broke it off.

 

To answer your question above, I could always sense a distance when the quality of our conversations began to decline. It takes work to maintain emotional connectedness. When either of us felt that happening, we would increase our skype time, and also, would find ways to increase the depth of our conversations. It's more than "how was your day?" You need to have deep conversations in order to really know and understand each other.

 

Hope that helps.

We have increased our Skype calls quite a bit. So it also comes down to his upcoming visit. He is going to visit me at the end of the year (hopefully), but he has yet to buy tickets cause he needs to get paid. I just can't swallow the feeling that he isn't going to make out to see me. He talks about how excited he is about the trip, but I see the prices slowly but steadily climbing up for tickets. I am really looking forward to him being here, but in the back of my mind I know I shouldn't get my hopes high. When I visited him, he didn't even have to question if I wanted to come down because I made the reservations for everything weeks before out meeting. When we are physically together, everything is amazing. In the end he will have no excuse not to make it down here as we talked about his trip here over 2 months ago, right before I went down for a visit.

The other day I was sick of worrying and outright told him I was stressing because of his hesitation, he said he won't hesitate to buy the tickets when he gets paid, I guess I will wait and see. What I'm afraid of is that I will lose interest because the lack of attention from him is slowly eating away at me. He has improved a little, but sometimes we go a day w/3 or less texts or none. I have mentioned it to him and that's the reason for more frequent Skype chats. I am at a point where I don't feel like making any effort and maybe ignoring him for a day or 2. Its way too early to consider closing the distance, but we have talked about it. I'm just afraid of wasting my time and emotions. I'm wondering also if age has something to do w/this (not making excuses for him), h is younger then me and I am his 1st adult relationship, he isn't my 1st adult relationship. I guess I can't complain cause he has always been a terrible texter, when at home he tosses his phone to the side. One thing though when he out, he does look at his phone and I know he doesn't spend all day inside.

He was 1st to say I love you and goes on how he wants to be in my life/how lucky he is to find a girl like me etc. The way I see it, if he truly felt this way, he would pay a lot more attention to me, so that I understood how lucky he feels. If I felt that way about a person, I show it, so that they know I'm thinking about them and I wouldn't want them to feel neglected and feel the need to look elsewhere for a partner that does treasure them.

We will hopefully be able to see each other every 2 months or so and we would have def talked about moving closer (no solid plans yet, we have been together just a couple months). After being let down by friends and guys, I am very untrusting towards a lot of people until they show me they care about me.

I don't think a person who is untrusting in general is the right person for an LDR.

Between his poor communication skills and your insecurities, it's going to take a whole lot of effort to make this work. Have you both taken the five love languages quiz? This may help you understand how you each feel and express love. Some love languages work well in an LDR situation, and others really don't. I had to get to the point where I felt completely secure in the relationship (we met face to face often in the beginning) before I was able to handle gaps in communication. When I found myself thinking negative/fearful thoughts, I developed the habit of mentally saying, "She loves me, and everything is okay." That carried me through the hardest days.