Will he leave her?

Unfortunately I am involved with a married man. It is not something I would normally do but this married man is the father of my young child.

He was engaged to his wife at the time I got pregnant. They got married and have both been unhappy from the start. She reads hundreds of romance novels and seems to have cut him off emotionally but hangs on to him. They have been married 5 years. They have no children. After they married she found out that she can't have children.

A year ago he started talking to me. He is paying support but had not met his child until now. Over the past year we have worked on a relationship and he has had outings with our child. He says he wants to be with us. He says that he is working towards leaving his wife.

I can’t feel sorry for his wife because she attacked me when she found out about me when I was pregnant, knowing that I did not know she existed. She tried to blame me for everything. She tried to fight with me for up to 2 years following, through postings and emails but I refused to respond. I understand that she was hurting but she was wrong to direct her anger at me. To this day she forbids him from seeing his child. She is not aware that he has met his child.

Over that past year I have grown to love him and would like us to be a family. I really want that. I still have my doubts that he will leave her. He says he is working on his finances and is worried about the divorce process. He does not give me any details on his progress. All that he will say is that he wants to be with us, wants another child with me and is working on it.

All the postings I have seen tell the other women to move on. I don’t know if my situation is unique or not. I don’t know what to think. I guess I would like opinions on what are the chances he will actually leave his wife.

I think you should move on. I think the chances of this working out in your favor are slim.

I think this guy is a Grade A jerk ! How can you be engaged to someone & get someone else pregnant. He should not have married her if he felt this way about you and truly wanted to be with you.

I'm sorry to say this but his wife has every right to be mad at you.

Honestly, wouldn't you be angry if you were in her shoes ?

I personally think she should be more angry at her husband for being so heartless but her anger towards you is understandable. She is not being unreasonable for being mad at you. I can't imagine any woman NOT being mad in this situation. This guy is just blaming his wife instead of taking responsability for his bad behavior.

As far as their marriage goes- You are only hearing one side of the story. His side. The fact is you don't know what is going on behind closed doors- a lot of men especially those prone to cheat- will say things like- "Our marriage was bad from the start" "She doesn't understand me" "Things aren't going well" etc. as a way to justify their behavior. Guys like to feed their mistresses these lines as a means to gain your sympathy and to keep you from getting involved in whatever is really going on in their marriage - how do you know what things are really like ? He is clearly not a honest man to you or to her- he wants to be married and have fun on the side.

How do you know he's not going home to her and acting like nothing's wrong ?

I definitely would not value his word very much.

I personally don't believe the whole

"Working on leaving " excuse- because that is what it is- an excuse.

You are either with someone or you're not.

The fact is- he could walk out the door on her anytime if he truly wanted to.

IMHO, if he wanted to be with you THAT much- he would already be separated. He'd be staying at a hotel or with a friend. I don't buy that he's "working" on it- he either is or isn't leaving her- and it sounds like he isn't.

Whether he truly loves her or you- I can't say but it sure sounds like- at least for now- he is staying with her. And in my opinion- if he was ever going to leave for you- he already would have by now.

Just please please don't kid yourself into thinking this is a good honest man who you will run away with and he'll be the perfect husband and father.

This guy is a liar and a cheater. If you marry this guy- do you want him to treat you like he is treating his current wife ?

How do you even know there aren't even more women in the picture ?

Please respect yourself enough to walk away from this guy- he is bad news on every level.

Please consider this as well- if you remain in this relationship- you are unofficially saying to him that his behavior toward his current wife is acceptable in your eyes. thereforeeee, if he does leave his wife for you- he thinks that type of behavior is acceptable in your eyes-and will have no reason to change- he will not make the distinction if you get together.

So IMHO, even in the "best case scenario" for you- it's still not good.

Please don't settle for this guy just because he's the father- there are other better men out there who will treat you well and not just ditch you when someone "better" comes along. If he insists he wants to be with you- break it off and tell him to talk to you after he's divorced.

If it were me, I would get out because it sounds like he treating both of you like garbage.

Please bear in mind, this is simply one person's opinion and take it with a grain of salt.

I hope you can respect yourself enough to see that this guy is not worth it.

You and your child deserve better than this man is capable of giving.

I really do wish you the best of luck and hope you can find true happiness.

Things I need to hear. You are right. I do need to saty on good terms with him for our child but nix the relationship we have now.

For the record, I was unaware of his fiance. I felt as much of a victim as she was at the time. Her anger was miss directed at me. She should not have attacked me.

For the record, I was unaware of his fiance. I felt as much of a victim as she was at the time.

I agree, you both were victims. That's why I said I can understand why she is mad but she should be more mad at him than at you.

Her anger was miss directed at me. She should not have attacked me

IMHO, as women- and admittedly I am the same way- we tend to get more mad at the other woman than the man. I think it is in our "compeititive" nature. But men love this- Pit the women against each other and he gets off scot-free. As women, we need to stop blaming each other and look at the guy who is feeding us lies and make him be held accountable for his own actions. She probably did carry things too far in her anger towards you- but also keep in mind who knows what her told her- he probably made you seem like the bad guy- "She lured me in, tempted me, etc. " and he probably told her that you did know about her too- so I wouldn't be too hard on her- she reacted emotionally as I think most wives would.

I think you were both used and both deserve better than this scumbag.

You are right. I did not think enough about what he must have said to her about me. I am glad I kept my cool and did not fight with her. Fighting with her would only have made things easier for him.

I think I am in a good place now. I am cutting him off. I just needed to hear everything you said. Thank you

>>He says he is working on his finances and is worried about the divorce process.

I think he is pacifying both of you to make it easier for himself. If he really does intend to leave, how does leaving LATER get him any more money than leaving NOW? he is just saying this as some excuse you will buy.

By the way, is he paying you child support? sometimes men will try to pacify the mother of their children because they hope she won't take him to court to get more money from him (or even the money they are entitled to if the mother has not yet demanded official child support payments).

I know a man who did this in a similar situation, where he strung the other woman along for 5 years saying he was 'working on it.' it blew up in his face eventually when the wife found out about the child with his OW, but he never left his wife, she left him!!

A nasty divorce ensued, which dragged on for over 2 years. He lived with the OW and his child with her for about a 18 months after the wife kicked him out (during the divorce), but before the divorce was even over, he took another job accross the country, left the OW and her child behind, and took up with a new woman where he'd moved to! so the OW wasted 7 or 8 years waiting for this guy, and ended up alone in the end anyway.

In your case he could have left his wife (or never married her) when he found out you were pregnant, but didn't. And he has had 5 years to 'work on' leaving her, or to work on his marriage, but he did neither. This man is either weak, or beyond selfish. You already know he lies because he lied to you pretending he was not engaged, and his lied to his wife about being committed to her. So everything he tells you is suspect.

So i think there is a good chance he is lying to you now too, in order to arrange his life in a way that is easiest for him. that usually doesn't involve leaving the wife, becuase it is too much trouble, especially if he can pacify everybody and take what he wants from everybody at the same time.

hi theotherone,

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Guess what? Me too! Almost exact same thing, when I was five months pregnant my ex married his now wife that was in a different country.

My ex's wife does the same thing, doesn't let him see our child and thinks that I knew about her. She doesn't blame her husband at all and thinks that I am the devil.

I was in love love LOVE with my ex. It took a while to get through, biggest hurt of my life. However, he does nothing but disgust me now. How could he be with two woman-engaged to two women, have one pregnant and still live like he did nothing wrong. The worst is what he has done to our child.

Don't believe him. If you truly love him and he loves you, he will work it out with his wife and then come to you. He needs to prove that he is worthy of YOU. Don't pay attention to his wife and keep everything documented and professional with him visiting your child.

If and when the wife finds out she may be upset and try to go for custody.

Anyway, good luck!

He does pay child support. I wasted no time filing for support after my son was born. I have sole custody of him as well. It has crossed my mind that he is trying to work things out with me to get out of the support order.

I feel so differently now. Reading your replies has been a well needed reality check. I don't know if I want anything to do with him even if he leaves his wife now. Like her I doubt that I will ever trust him.

I have no idea what to tell my son. He is 5. I can only hope that his father will still want to be involved. Can anyone tell me how important it is having my son's biological father involved? My dad has from day one been more like a father to my son.

I think you should treat it like a divorced mom would... he is your son's father and has visitation rights, but you have sole custody.

He may stay in your son's life, but if his marriage is important to him (more important than he is admitting to), he may drift off eventually anyway.

But your own relationship with him is better off over if all he is offering you is 'other woman' status. Your son will only get confused as he gets older and will eventually be old enough to 'get' that is mother is the other woman and his dad is married to someone else.

It is really in your son's interest to not continue in an affair with the boy's father. He can still have visitation with your son, but don't accept the role as other woman for your own and your son's sake.

I did not think of that. I would not want my son to see me as the other women and I have been worried about confusing him. I guess I can tell him that his mommy and dad are friends? I will do my best to stay on good terms with his father but distance myself from him.

That being said, I met his dad for coffee earlier today. I told him how I was feeling and now he is very confused. I really shocked him when he complained about his wife and I defended her. As I have said I want to stay on good terms but I don't want the relationship. I did not come out and say it was over but I did say that we can't continue things as they are. I am not sure what I should say. I don't want to fight. I just want things to fade out nicely between us.

a lot of men especially those prone to cheat- will say things like- "Our marriage was bad from the start" "She doesn't understand me" "Things aren't going well" etc. as a way to justify their behavior. Guys like to feed their mistresses these lines as a means to gain your sympathy

You are so right. Been someone's mistress since last October and everyday it's the same sob story. I just say what he wants to hear but in my head it's Once he said he was going to leave his wife very soon and I panicked because honestly, I don't want him to leave her because I don't know what to do with him. Heck honesty's not his best trait so there's no way I want to end up with him. I know that if he can skillfully lie to his wife, he can do the same to me. Bottom line his foolishness amuses me and at the end of the day, I'm free and he's not.

I think, no, he will not leave her.

Sue for child support and assume he doesn't exsist. When the money comes in, invest it for the child.

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please visit these forums, they have more experience and will probably be able to answer your question much better

Hi There,

I am new at this, but from what i have read so far, if he really wanted to be with you and his child then he would not put money or materialistic things before you and your son. Like they say, actions speak louder than words, no use saying i am going to leave my wife and be with you and not do it. Men are getting away with this, have your cake and eat it too. Both you, your son and his wife are the victims here. IMHO, time to move on and be a victim no more, but a survivor.

Take care

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please visit these forums, they have more experience and will probably be able to answer your question much better

Quick sidebar: OMG I visited this site since I am an "other woman" I expressed my personal concerns with the moral implications, definite lack of commitment from my married man, not having a healthy relationship, trust issues, etc., etc. and boy did I get pummelled!! The "other women" on that site are really out to go to war and they will crucify anyone who doesn't think the way they do! I even got banned for "starting to stir trouble." What?? For simply having some guilt of what I've become?? Heck there's nothing like being in ENA! People never judge and there's no shortage of support and sound advice! I'll never to go another site!

But thanks Catwalk because I realized what a great group of forumers we are in ENA. You rock!

Now going back to the main issue, I do agree with all who advised that your focus now is the child. Whatever will benefit him and his future, DO IT! Give him a chance to live the life he deserves and please try to leave him out of the drama and goings-on. He doesn't need to get involved in the middle of it all. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

I have to agree. I was so relieved that everyone on this site is helpful and polite. I would like to thank everyone for your replies. tangi39 gave me a really great 1st response. It really got me thinking. I wish I had come on here much sooner.

Update. I am making his life hell right now. He is so stressed out.

Update. I am making his life hell right now. He is so stressed out.

I think stress is the worst revenge you give to a man. Stress = hair loss + can't-get-IT-up. Oh the poor wife!

I encourage you to keep focusing on your child because he's the only man in your life who can give you unconditional love.

Quick sidebar: OMG I visited this site since I am an "other woman" I expressed my personal concerns with the moral implications, definite lack of commitment from my married man, not having a healthy relationship, trust issues, etc., etc. and boy did I get pummelled!! The "other women" on that site are really out to go to war and they will crucify anyone who doesn't think the way they do! I even got banned for "starting to stir trouble." What?? For simply having some guilt of what I've become?? Heck there's nothing like being in ENA! People never judge and there's no shortage of support and sound advice! I'll never to go another site!

a side note to your side note....... I'm so sorry for posting that link too!

I went into the forums and, for lack of better words 'boy did I get pummelled!!' LOL! I left willingly before they banned me. It's obviously a group of women who don't want anyone else let in. I found it surprising, considering the situation they are ALL in that they would be so....... not understanding!

My appologies again, sorry about that! #-o