Evil-Sabre

Thanks for the advice michelle. I will get my life back on track, but what you said i actually have done. Hang on to others to make me feel happy. I stopped doing that, i admit this girl can put quite the smile on my face. But i think that's normal in a relationship. But i have told her about this as well. She was very understanding of it, and i told her that THIS is something i have to solve for myself. I can't use her or others for that matter to help me get back on track. It is something i have to accomplish , and it is something i WILL accomplish. Thanks again people,

WEll, i do agree i need to be working out more again. But overal i'm just confused in life, what to do, why everything is so hard, the relationship i'm in is pretty serious. Since we talk over phone, cam and plan on meeting each other in a few months and such.. As ofr someone to hang out with, believe i hardly have any friends who would care to hang out with me. My life has just been going down and down into a bottomless pit. And crawling out of it seems so hard. I dun want someone to pull me out, i want to climb out of it myself. My self-esteem, confidence and what not is just messed up to no extend... I always just took it all for granted, and just sucked all the pain up. I fear to let it out because i did that a little while ago. And that got me into even more problems because i ended up in breaking his jaw... I need advice on how to climb out of this hell i've gotten myself into... I appreciate the help so far,

Hope this is the right forum to post in, i haven't been here for that long yet. As the title said my life is just a mess right now. Nothing seems to be going the way i want it anymore. I used to have 2 goals and 1 dream for myself. 1 goal is to get a good job in what i like to do best and that is to work with computers my second goal is like the american dream or something. A nice house, a lovely wife, a kid and a dog or something. my dream would be to one day fight in K1 (Kick Boxing League) I never thought it would be easy, but life is so hard suddenly. My past has never been an easy one. At the age of 7 i was already confronted with dead, that of my uncle. Then i had to move and leave my best friends behind only to find myself in a completely new place where i just couldn't fit in. Oh well that was a long time ago. The real stuff started when i was 12, my grandfather who was really important to me died of cancer, i saw him rott away.. At 13 i was diagnosed to have something in my eyes and that it could have been cancer, i had to run tons of tests because they just didn't know what it was. I often cried myself to sleep. Then the day came where i heard that it wasn't cancer and i was able to smile again. The eye burning episode happened here. After all the tests my eyes went downhill and i had this burning feeling in them for nearly 2 years. This was then topped off by my mom getting lung cancer. I couldn't handle it all anymore, i was a kid at the age of 15 wanting to kill myself. Because i just couldn't take anymore. I decided not to do it in the end because i just couldn't gather the guts to cut myself. The next day we got a call from the hospital that the first session of the chemotherapy had succeeded with great results. The 2nd chemo wasn't so good though, it was coming to an end and she got rays and shit to finish up the cancer hopefully. WEll she did survive it and is still alive up till now 3 years later or so. I 'm 18 now and i started to find myself in the online world more often. I got to know a girl she was 20 and lived in sweden. I got feelings for her and everything, and i thought she had them too. But she turned me down, a whole episode of several months ensued of me just being a plain wreck over this. My school work is pretty good. I somehow manage to get the highest grades in class at times. But i for the next semester i'm supposed to get a "studyjob" (Stage Plaats for the dutch people here). It's a job you need to have to gain practical work experience. But i've been turned down spite my high grades at about 20 places already.. And then i found a girl, also in the online world she lives in florida and i live in holland(please don't bash me for this, i just feel good around her most of the time). She often helps me, and i've been getting back on my feet a little bit. But it's not enough and i fear it's getting to the relationship now. I get jealous really easily, even though she doesn't even give me a reason to be. I don't feel so secure anymore especially when she's with others, i fear that i am going to lose her to some other guy or something. She is such a sweet girl she doesn't deserve me like this.. I often am real happy in the relation though and so is she, we have a great and fun time together. Which is why i chose to be with her and stay with her. There is a thing in her past though that i want to shake off but for some reason just like sticks inside my head. She cybered with another guy before me. And she and i also cyber quite a bit. I dunno i keep on seeing that guy and her cybering together. I know what happened there, it was only about 10 minutes because she got bored of doing it with him. ANd just wanted to go to bed, the guy broke up with her the day after. I wish i had never found out about that, but now i want to forget. It's not like she did anything wrong it was way before my time with her... *sigh* i just don't know anything anymore, maybe the world would just be a better place without me.. Edit: My physical appearance is also suffering a lot. I used to have thight abs and shit. Now i'm just getting fat and have belly. This prolly comes from drowning myself in food and cola whenever i don't feel so good...

I know you are right man... *sigh* why does she even want to be with me, i don't even know why she chose me. I was in pretty bad shape for a while, because of a former relationship. And i met her, after a month of spending time or so together we started to like each other and in those months things just kept on growing. She's really amazing, but maybe i don't deserve her if i'm taking so long to get over one lousy thing from her past, she hated herself so much for it. I even helped her feel better about it, that it no longer matters since it's the past. Those words worked for her, but i myself am still thinking about how it happened, i see it happen. I don't blame her or anything for it, or get mad about it to her. I just can't figure out why it sticks so *beep* long inside my mind... Edit: I want to let go of it so badly, i need help. And i'm writing this with tears in my eyes, because i just don't want to lose her over something in the past. She says i won't lose her ever, but...

We have talked about it too a few times. I honestly don't know why it sticks up there -_-, which is what i'm trying to figure out

There's not really much of an effect on our relationship. I'm just wondering how long it's going to take to let it go, since it's been 2 months now. I don't know how to do it i guess, but iwant too

I've been with a girl for about 5 months now, we are doing pretty well together. But there's one thing that kind of bothers me. Before she was with me, there was another guy. She cybered with him, well he forced it onto her, and she just went along with it for a bit. After about 5 mins it started to bore her already, and she let him know that. The day after the guy ended the relationship. She and i cyber to, pretty often and they also last a couple of hours most of the time. We also get effected by it real life. But now comes the thing, about 3 months after i had been with her, this guy showed up and talked to me. He showed me the chat of what happened, that's why i know so well what happened. Been 2 months or so now since i learned about it, and in those 2 months i went on with her and had fun, enjoy our relationship together, and we still have loads of fun together despite this thing, and no way in hell am i gonna end the relationship, because of a thing from her past. Also i cybered in the past too and she knows that, but isn't very effected by it. But what i want to know, is. Am i handling this right? Will this sink down memory lane and will i forget that memory? Or do i do this completely wrong? Please i'm begging for help. Thanks in advance Note: This relationship is a long distance one, we are planning a visit in the summer, we keep in touch over phone, webcam etc etc. It goes without saying, that i really love this girl with all my heart and soul [/i]