Jasper915

Background Yesterday night at Starbucks, I was sitting with a group of my friends when Girlfriend and her friend came in and sat down after ordering drinks. She seemed okay, but in reality, her uncle had just died and I didn't know how close she was to him. Naturally, I consoled her as anyone would do when in the midst of a large group, I went through the consolation motions, asking what had happened, and giving her physical reassurance that I was indeed sorry for her loss. She didn't seem to hurt for the loss, but she was hiding her emotions because she was around so many people. I figured she was just hurt, but not devastated. After a long conversation about my apparent insensitivity, "where she stands in my life," and how she thought I was ignoring her (when in actuality I wasn't. I was just happy to see my friends again whom I haven't spent time with in months), she propounded the question if "it was getting old," or something along those lines. After which, another series of questions were asked, and I was getting an answer forced on me by implications, an answer that meant obvious downfall for the relationship - and NOT my answer. That's the absolute best I can explain that. Anyway, we talked about how I was "Only nineteen and curious about the independence that I've never had," and how when she was 19, she wasn't ready to lay her entire life down for someone, among other things. So I did what was my natural reaction. I cried, went back to the Fraternity house, and proceeded to drink a quarter of a gallon of hard liquor. I called her back after I nearly lost my facilities altogether and was laying on the floor in an awkward state, caught betwixt conflicting emotions (which were obviously heightened by all the alcohol). She came over, and we fell asleep together. This morning, we both had deep fits of emotion, and now I'm stuck in the proverbial void between a certain future, or an uncertain, independent state which I've never truly embraced. The two conflicting emotions Staying with her insures a static future. I can see a future of joining her in Iowa for grad school; we both getting our doctorial degrees. After which we would move near a big city and settle down, there to live out the rest of our days in happiness. That's the picture painted for me, and I truly believe that I Love her, I know it. I've gone through all the logical and emotional checkpoints, and every resultant outcome is conclusive. Conversely, she gives me this "independence," and says she'll be "ready when I'm ready." Things go just as that, and our relationship is forever changed. Or worse yet - she falls "out of love." At this point, I can't imagine a future without her, and it's not too late for me to keep that steady. People rarely can even talk about me without talking about her and usually vice-versa. So where does that leave either of us? So, sitting here at work when I'm asked by a patron if I'm alright? Of course...it's just the sinuses acting up again. Any suggestions? Comments? Concerns? Song and dance routines?

Thanks for all of your confidence The situation she told me is that towards the beginning of our relationship, she was up at another college visiting her best friend, and obviously, they got drunk. She "hooked up" with a guy that night and I come to find out that every time she previously went up to IU, that she would "hook up" with this same fellow. It wasn't "anything romantic" though, but in my book if you have a stable action-friend at another college, how could it not be remotely romantic? Se la ve, I suppose. She also said, verbatim, that "no one would have found out if I didn't tell you." Which doesn't sound awkwardly familiar, now does it? Later yesterday, she says to me while we're at dinner with one of my Fraternity brothers, "I just can't believe you did this six months into our relationship...I need to just get over that in my own mind." To which my natural male instict of self-preservation replied O'Reily style, "I'm glad that the fact is that you WANT to get over it and continue this, but you kept the secret hidden from me longer, so we both have to work through this together in like-fashion." Only time will tell...she's staying with me tonight, and once everything gets settled in with school, she's still wanting to move in with me, so that's just one more thing to add to my prayer-list.

Finally, some closure. I suppose all the prayers and so forth have worked in my favor this time, as she forgave me. Not only did she completely forgive me, but she told me that she also cheated on me, and she was relieved to get that out in the open. I decided that telling her was the best thing to do, and I'm certainly glad I did...I left everything else up to her, and she still wants to continue this more than ever. Day 1 into this whole "coping" issue; I hope this phase doesn't last too long, because she seems more or less indifferent, emotionally. Funny thing, well, ironically, the reaction was the polar opposite of what I expected. I cried, and she comforted me Any advice as to how to deal with this, both on her and my behalf? "Go on just like we did before," was one of the top quotes I've gotten.

All these opinions have clearly put more perspective to this, and I appreciate all of your replies thus far I know how miserable and tore up that I feel as each day passes, but the hurt that I'm feeling is moreso directed at my own weaknesses: whether they be my inability to control my 20 year-old sex drive, or my inability to rationalize when I'm drunk. And I wouldn't wish this kind of sorrow on anyone - most especially not to my girlfriend. I never thought about it in the context that "I'm the one hurting - not her, and if I tell her, she'll hurt." Then starts the snowball effect of the degradation of our relationship shortly after - regardless of how well I phrase it now; even if I'm 100% faithful for the rest of my life (being the plan), then there still will be that window of doubt on her behalf, right? That's something she will have to live with each day, if I tell her and we break up over it, or if we stay together the effects will be the same - or I don't tell her and we continue on and I deal with the pain and let it fade...I have the ability to cause that suffering not to happen. The second option is certainly looking clearer. Running the risk of sounding like a geek, I'm reminded what happened to Anakin in the 3rd Star Wars movie when he tried to save his love from not hurting - he was set completely on fire and turned to the Dark Side, there to live his day as a shell of his former self.

Do you think that's a viable option? I know I wouldn't do it again - it kills me probably a lot more than her, for the simple fact that it brings out my problems moreso.

I think I failed to elaborate on the whole move-in thing. She's moving down for Summer classes - in which she'll be living "on campus." Our University will assign her temporary Summer housing until she signs in to her Sorority house. The plan was that she was going to stay with me from the get-go, cancel her contract with the Sorority for housing, and just live at my apartment. I'm waiting for next Monday, because that's the next time I'll see her - and driving 9 hours is out of the question because of both of our work schedules, and I have a busy day with my Masonic Lodge this Saturday.

Well, that thought crossed my mind initially, and it would be a lot easier than to tell her. But I think she deserves to know, and I need to get it off my back.

Ouch...I completely realize that it's going to break her heart, and she does deserve better and all that jazz - but I'm wanting to know for anyone's sake, especially her's, how I could break this a little better than "Hey honey, I cheated?" I realize that I needed to tell her from the get-go, and it pains me every day to go through this, and I'm just waiting for her to come down so I don't have to break it via phone. I know it may sound extremely selfish, but I've never really been in this sitatuion before, nor do I know anyone who has (that may sound odd considering I'm in a large Fraternity). It's just going to flat-out suck.

God willing, that would be the best thing that could happen. I know that if she would choose to stay, that not only would that be a heavy responsibility to prove myself (which I'm completely ready for), and it would be weird for a little bit - but time will heal it. I remember taking the utmost precaution when I had sex with the other girl, I'm not that stupid of a drunk However, I don't know what drove me to kiss her at the later date - the insatiable thirst for affection, mayhaps? How do you think I should approach it?

Hello everyone, first time reader - first time poster I've decided after looking through several self-help and Christian help books, and talking to several friends - I needed a broader range of opinion. Well...sadly, here's my prediciment: I've been dating this woman since the beginning of my Sophomore year of college. I've known her since my Freshmen year, and we were good friends during that year. Since then, we've 'fallen in love,' and I believe truthfully - we're best friends first, before every other guise. I've even planned out going to a specific grad school so we could be together after we graduate. Her family loves me, and reciprocal with mine. September 24th marks our one-year. Over the summer, I was at one of my Fraternity brother's girlfriend's parties, and I (obviously) was rather inebriated. I ended up having sex with a girl that night that I met at one of my car shows the previous week. Since then, I've only seen her once, and we kissed that time. Next Monday, my girlfriend is coming down to move in with me at my new apartment (I couldn't live in the Fraternity house another year Just her and I. There is virtually NO chance of her finding out about my raging infedlity - but I feel that I need to tell her, because I truly love her, but I just happen to let my 20-year-old hormones, and alcohol, get the best of me and my judgement. What should I do, and how should I approach this? I'm not ready to lose the love of my life yet, but my stupid actions and sex drive caused this prediciment, and now I'm dreading the moment. I certainly pray that someone could make sense out of this mess...