Are Double Standards Killing Your Relationship?

When it comes to relationships, it can be hard to find the perfect balance between understanding and setting boundaries. When you’ve found someone special, it can feel like the only thing that matters is having the kind of life together that makes both of you happy. But the truth is, relationships don’t run on rainbows, lollypops, and love alone. It takes a lot of compromise and effort just to make sure everything works - more than a lot of people realize. And no matter how high your standards may be, double standards can be a real killer.

Double standards are when one partner feels differently about an expectation from the other. For example, if you have a strict ‘no cheating’ rule for yourself, but allow your partner to bend the rules, this could be considered a double standard. This does not have to be just about fidelity either - double standards can creep into even the most mundane of disagreements.

Many times, double standards can be sinister, or born out of some dark place in our lives. Perhaps we enforce stricter expectations on others (like our partners) because of our own unresolved past. The issue then is not only what of a difference these expectations make in our present life, but also how to recognize a double standard within ourselves so that we can avoid it in our partnerships.

We all establish different levels of acceptable behavior based on gender, race, status, looks, talent, power and other factors. If we don’t recognize what invisible standards exist, they can become baked into our partnerships. We may not even know why the relationship isn’t functioning the way we would like it to. It's hard to prioritize kindness and acceptance when enforcing hidden codes of conduct.

We must strive to remain open minded and to remember that communication is key to any successful relationship. Speak your truth, honour your boundaries and learn to endure difference. After these steps, we can then work towards avoiding double standards.

The primary distinction between acceptable beliefs and double standards is nuance. It’s important to get clear on what is acceptable and what is not. Ask yourself: are these expectations realistic? What behaviours are attempting to be regulated and why? Is this an example of judgement based on prejudice or misdirected faith?

Also think about whether or not these expectations are in the best interest of both parties. If not, it could be a sign of a double standard being imposed. Reexamine the rules you set for your relationship and ask yourself if there is a basis for a particular belief and if it really promotes health and harmony.

Sometimes a double standard is more subtle and harder to detect. In scenarios like these, try to take a step back and ask those two core questions again. Checking your feelings and the feelings of your partner can help determine if a double standard is at work.

One way to practice a healthy relationship is to make sure that you and your partner are always talking; share your thoughts and feelings with each other, and make sure to listen as well as you speak. Double standards can arise from lack of communication or fear of it. Ensure both you, and your partner, have the same priority of staying committed to the discussion and working on resolving issues as they arise. This can not only benefit both partners, but can also help create the kind of understanding in your relationship that will prevent the need for double standards altogether.

The bottom line is that double standards can have damaging consequences in relationships. They can lead to a lack of trust – or worse – the eroding of respect. If recognized and worked through with open, honest conversation, they can be avoided. Dealing with double standards is not easy, but it is essential in order to keep an intimate connection healthy and thriving.