Excellent Buddhist Take on Romantic Love

I have been practicing awareness and mindfulness in a Zen tradition for some time now. I am far from perfect at it, as nobody is perfect, but just the practice alone has been very important with my quality of life.

This is an excellent article from the Shambhala Sun, a Buddhist publication. It really delves into the reality of relationships, instead of trodding over idealized fantasy lands about love. In short, acceptance is love. And so I want to share this with you people.

Let me know your thoughts if you have time. Peace.

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First off great read. Really appreciate Buddhist perspectives on topics of interest.

Some questions on what you think of it though, typically relationships are time lined pretty appropriately. First 2-3 years if its good is called the "honey moon" phase, or as this article would call it romantic love. The article also says that it is western cultures goal to keep that romantic love alive. It seems like its more than just western culture though, i may be blind to their point they are trying to make, but seems more like human nature to desire passion. I understand the belief that human nature can be transcended, but it seems unrealistic to look for someone like that. It cant seem to wrap my mind around it, as ive been in that situation before, when the passion or romance dies, unhappiness seems to surface. No sex, stress, and frustration drive the two apart. Though i think those things can be overcome, they still persist as something to be desired. Infact i fail to see the purpose of a relationship if there is no "love" merely being in the same house as someone, devoid of desire for one another, merely two bodies coexisting seems to be completely contrary to what they are describing. According to Buddhist blissful happiness can be the loss of worldly desire, because that leads to pain ect ect ect. But desire is merely not having something you want. They seem to be suggesting that losing mutual desire would preserve the relationship? That seems kind of hard to understand. The two people in the relationship would both have to be enlightened individuals to do this, both being able to let all which doesnt matter truly slide... Love isnt a Hollywood movie, but i dont think its a monastery either, this seems to culminate what i dont agree with in eastern philosophy... hmm.

Thanks for the feedback.

What I see in the article is not an eschewing of desire, but to put desire in perspective through awareness, through seeing desire and expectations for what they are. So many relationships are built on desire alone.

From the article:

I also get this from the "Middle Path" in Buddhism. We cannot turn into robots and become inhuman. But we can be aware, which transcends turning off or thriving on desire. Making the unconscious conscious. Rather than just "knowing" about desire through text etc, we can practice having mindful awareness of desire in every moment. This alone could make the romantic part so much richer.

This is great stuff, Laughalot. But, but, the majority don't want to hear it. Tere seems to be an addiction to pain, false hopes, "whirlwinds", "falling into - or out of -" (a fall is something painful), "delirium" (usually associated with fever and illness)....and so on and so forth.

Romantic love, no matter how delicious, is the primary symptom of cultural malaise, the central neurosis of Western civilization.

 

By romantic love I mean that which focuses upon the loved one as an object of passion, devotion, and fixation. The loved one becomes the answer to all of life's problems, the source of all our happiness, and potentially, the source of all of our woes. But, if we are honest with ourselves, we can see that romantic love is deeply unhappy love, addicted to misery and suffering, cloaked in fantasy and separation.

I find this article very comforting myself, and thank you for posting it.

In my current relationship, things feel strained sometimes because my b/f has fallen hard and fast into that "romantic love" and sometimes gets caught up in that way described here - he has a vision of things going perfect, and if they don't, he seems hurt.

Me on the other hand, I feel like I see him as he is, but it doesn't mean I want to be with him any less. I love every minute we are together... and I feel absolutely no separation anxiety. It is very strange for me... and at times I've really questioned myself... wondering if I even care for him enough. In the past I've always had that insane, anxious "lovesick" feeling after all. But no... really I just feel... calm and happy.

Does that mean I feel no passion for him at all? Not at all. But he doesn't feel like a fantasy to me, and I like that.

Great article!

I should renew my suscription to Shambhala Sun. I didn't realize how much I miss that magazine.

Nixee,

I've had an exact similiar experience with the man I'm currently with. In the beginning I was always questioning myself if I had felt something "real" for him. He was the romantic type and did alot of nice things for me. I felt affection for him but never that 'spark', just a warm nice feeling that over time developed into real love. Took maybe 6 months. In the beginning I could tell it hurt his feelings that I didnt feel the same and it lead to hurt feelings. BUT eventually he got the hint to take things at a balanced pace and now Ive never been happier. I'm sure the man your seeing will realize this.

"Me on the other hand, I feel like I see him as he is, but it doesn't mean I want to be with him any less. I love every minute we are together... and I feel absolutely no separation anxiety. It is very strange for me... and at times I've really questioned myself... wondering if I even care for him enough. In the past I've always had that insane, anxious "lovesick" feeling after all. But no... really I just feel... calm and happy."

-Sounds to me that, unlike him, you've learned about love the hard way. The disillusionment that comes from 'true love' turned sour. Tragedy yes...but a good way to learn how to love in the future? Yes.

He needs to respect your stance on it. THats what my guy learned (although I wanted to shake him hard to wake him up a few times . You'll be fine.

Want to delete this post

Thanks

Nixee,

 

 

 

-Sounds to me that, unlike him, you've learned about love the hard way. The disillusionment that comes from 'true love' turned sour. Tragedy yes...but a good way to learn how to love in the future? Yes.

 

He needs to respect your stance on it. THats what my guy learned (although I wanted to shake him hard to wake him up a few times . You'll be fine.

Thank you dear... already wrote you back... but yes... I've definitely done it all the hard way! And he knows. We are certainly playing the love tug-o-war game now I suppose you could say. It is hard.

That was a great read. I think it really puts things in perspective and I can definitely see how that worked in my previous relationship. After the honeymoon stage we were both still stuck in that fantasy which neither of us lived up to breaking us up unfortunately.

Wow. Just when I thought I had read all perspectives on love. This a GREAT read and at least on first read, brings me some peace of mind.