Questions on starting NC??

[grashamm]

It has been almost 3 months since our break-up. I initially handled it very poorly and she had to move out after living with me for 2.5 years. There were many issues she did not address like mutual bills, property, and what not. So being the nurturer I have been, I have tried to address these in a mutually beneficial way, mainly for my own peace of mind.

Recently, I attempted to start NC by just allowing her to come to my apartment and take whatever she wanted while I was away. However, she kept the spare set of keys I left and out of the blue invited me to lunch after doing everything she could to get me out of her life. I did not go.

I do not want to be a jerk, but I want to stop contact with her for awhile without trying to seem like a jerk.

 

How should I approach this?

How do I address her complaints that I have not allowed her to get all her possesions?

How do I reject her attempts at contact without coming off as someone who has been hurt or feels rejected?

I believe she is a good woman and is very confused and also very sensitive.

I do still care for her and know I must be her friend first if she is ever going to be attracted to me again.

Yet I feel that NC is still the best way to go for awhile. CAN SOMEONE HELP ME WITH POSITIVE WAYS TO APPROACH THIS MATTER.

[thelonelydoll]

How did you not allow her to get all of her possessions? Do you think she intentionally left some things behind in an attempt to leave the door open?

Since she kept a set of keys, give her one final chance to get her possessions and be done with it. Nobody said that NC is easy - you've got to stop worrying about how it might make her feel or what she thinks about it. And don't think about being her friend right now. You'll be a better friend after going NC for a while.

 

All the nurturing in the world won't solve the immediate issues.

[grashamm]

Fair enough.

 

Obviously, she could have gotten what she wanted already.

 

Any idea as to why she would keep the keys?

[supercalifragilistic]

Hmm...I don't know why I she would keep the keys, but if she wants to get you out of her life, she should return them...don't you think? Why should she still be able to have access to your place?

[grashamm]

I have avoided seeing her. I have always been gone when she came to get things. However, she still had the mattress to pick up.

 

I asked her a week ahead of time to plan a day for her to pick this up, AND TOLD HER TO GET EVERYTHING SHE WANTED, SO SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO COME BACK.

 

In case, she didn't have a truck. I reserved one without telling her, so no excuses. She chose Sunday. I called friday, she didn't have a truck. I rented the truck, loaded the stuff in it and left the keys in the ignition in the parking lot, then left. She called sunday and said she was called in to work. I said "OK, I'll hide the keys n XXX spot and you can come get everything you want while I'm out of town." I talked to one of my friends after she came by and he said she had taken the mattress and the keys had not been returned.

 

That is why she has a set of keys. I've pretended like I don't know and not mentioned anything about them, due to the fact, I'm not supposed to return until friday, and in case she is trying to get a rise out of me.

 

In email she told me she had gotten most of her things except for a few small things, she could've easily grabbed. I believe this is just an attempt to have an excuse to stay in touch or to see how much longer she can get away with this.

What do you think?

[thelonelydoll]

Yes, I agree it sure sounds like she wants to have an excuse to stay in touch. You've already gone far beyond the call of duty here.

 

Perhaps you should just go ahead and change the lock(s)? It would really freak me out to know that an ex still has access to my place - especially in your case, if you're away quite a bit and she knows it. If you change the lock(s), you'll no longer have to pretend anything at all - and the keys she has now will be worthless. And then, you can start NC for real.