Rape Victims and Healing??

[soul_soother]

Hello all let me shed some light on the situation.

 

I'm a Junior this semester finishing up in a month or so but, for the last 3 years I've been studying Psychology non-stop and I'm extremely good at making people feel better and understanding them (and letting them trust me)... Well everyone talks to me about their problems because I give good advice and make people feel better about themselves.

 

Well I've come accross a tough one.. A friend of mind has recently been sexually assaulted and I'm not quite sure how to comfort them. I've explained it's not her fault and to make sure she doesn't blame herself for it... And I've explained that I'm sorry and she doesn't deserve this.

 

It's hard to talk to her in a sense because, everyone she trusted turned their backs on her or did something to her... So now she doesn't want to go out or talk to really anyone because she's too scared to.

 

Any advice or help would be very much appreciated.. Thanks

[b2761]

if your friend is also in school, perhaps she could go to a campus therapist of some kind? That's pretty significant pain to have to deal with and while it's great that you are offering your support, maybe she needs the help of a professional.

[soul_soother]

I agree but, she's not willing to tell or let her family know because she doesn't wanna hurt the perp

[Karolina]

Well, anything she says to a therapist would be confidential. She can always go to a therapist to talk about other stuff and then decide whether or not she wants to talk about the sexual assault.

 

In the meantime it's important for you to just be there for her. Don't worry about saying the right or wrong thing but let her know you are there and she can trust and count on you.

[Gracelove]

Rape is such a hard thing to deal with. You may witness your friend going down hill fast.

 

Maybe you could try to hang out with her at her place. Watch movies, have a girl night.

 

Just continue to comfort and encourage her.

 

I was raped while in college, and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

 

And if she doesn't feel like talking about the rape right now, that's okay too.

 

Usually you go through an "I'm okay" phase, where you try to put the rape behind you and you don't want to acknowlegde that it happened.

Allow her to go through this phase, don't force her to talk about it.

 

Because that phase will only last so long before the reality and devastation of the rape sets in/ hits hard.

 

When she gets to that point, just comfort her. Let her know that it's okay to cry and be angry.

 

And maybe you could walk with her to an on-campus counselor, at least offer.

 

I think rape affects everyone differently. But in times like this it's comforting to know who your real friends are, and that they still love you and will always support you.

[soul_soother]

Usually you go through an "I'm okay" phase, where you try to put the rape behind you and you don't want to acknowlegde that it happened.

Allow her to go through this phase, don't force her to talk about it.

 

I've let her know that she can talk to me about anything and if she doesn't want to tell me about it or simply doesn't want talk about it to go ahead and not talk about it. I've picked up a couple books at my library and I've started to read books dealing with coping and recognizing stages and such. Currently I'm reading "Coping with Date rape and Acquaintance Rape" by Andrea Parrot.

 

I've read 50 pages of this book in the last 2 hours of my school hours and I'm having difficulties reading it. I've almost hurled at least 3 times and sometimes I just have to splash my face with cold water to snap back into it. Its truly a hard to deal with situation.

[Gracelove]

That is so nice of you to read those books for your friend! I haven't read any books on date rape, but wanting to hurl sounds about right.

 

One really hard thing about rape is the physical symptoms you experience as a result of it.

At times you'll freak out because you don't know what's causing you to become sick and you can't seem to get better.

 

All of the stress can really wear down your immune system and make you susceptible to viruses and other sickness.

 

There were so many times when I felt really nauseaous when thinking about it. And at times had a constant urge to vomit. There are also times when you experience uncontrollable shaking.

There are sooo many symptoms a person can have as a result of rape.

 

You mentioned how hard it is to read about. Imagine if you had to face the fact that something so horrible actually happened to you. That's the worst part. It's really hard to accept that. And a lot of times you're in shock. And that feeling of shock can last for months.

 

It's understandable that your friend wouldn't want to go out. The only time I would leave my house was to pick up food. And I didn't want to get out of my car so I would always go to the drive thru.

 

There may be really hard times ahead for your friend.

 

She may stop showering, brushing her teeth, or washing her hair.

I went through that also. I was trying to force myself to accept the fact and I would always be dirty now (in my mind).

Back then I used to feel really dirty in my vaginal area (all in my head).

 

Just calling her and talking about things on T.V. or the net can help. Because the rape is probably the last thing she'll want to think about.

 

She may experience short-term memory loss, the inability to sleep, obsessive eating, or loss of appetite.

 

She may even develop Post Traumatic Stress disorder, or depression.

 

She really needs help.

 

I wouldn't pressure her on it. But maybe it would be a good idea to suggest it. But don't mention it too much. Maybe you could say that you've heard medicine helps.

 

Medicine really helped me.

 

Oh, validating her feelings will mean the world, during this period. She needs to know that what was done to her is wrong. You may think she should already know that. But you really carry a lot of shame during this time, and you blame yourself.

You think that something must be wrong with you, for someone to want to do this to you.

So if she's angry. Tell her that she should be and has a right to be.

If she's sad, you can say that anyone would be devastated by such a thing.

 

She just really needs to know that she's not alone.

 

Because a lot of times you feel that it's the rapist and all of his friends against you.

You feel small, and fear being violated again.

 

You feel that he's all-powerful. And in essense you feel like you've been destoyed by this person. So you feel like you're under this person's control. Like anything they would wish to do to you, they could. You feel that there is no protection for you. Because at the time you were being raped, there was no one there to protect or help you.

 

Just let her know that you're here for her. And that she's not a bad person. The rapist is (you'll have to remind her of this).

[soul_soother]

I've almost finished the book already if that says anything.. Started reading about RTS and all that...it's sort of hard to read body language..

 

It's amazing how well I can read people and everything but, something so devistating can make someone like a brick wall and impossible to read.

 

I find it harder and harder to read and in a sense I need someone to talk to about it, as if it happened to me?? If that makes any sense..

 

Question? The friend of mine goes to a different school and is almost always impossible to hang out with...and the idea of "watching a movie" scares her because its how the situation happened. How is it possible to really help her?

[Gracelove]

That's kind of a tough one........

After you've been raped, well in my case anyways, it's like you're in a completely different world.

I guess knowing that I had friends who loved and supported me helped.

Maybe you could send her funny video clips from youtube or something.

Just anything to make her laugh or smile.

Do you get an opportunity to talk to her on the phone often?

Does she have a boyfriend? Or anyone at her school that she can depend on?

Do her parents know yet?

It would be nice if she could leave school for a while, get away from that environment. Sometimes you need your parents to help you.

However if her parents don't know, then she won't have an explaination as to why she wants time off from school.

Maybe you can talk her into contacting her parents.

It's a really hard road, either way, but that might help her.

I know my parents said some hurtful things (unintentionally), and after rape you're just so sensitive about everything anyways.

She really needs to see a counselor. A counselor or therapist could help her plan things out.

Plus certain people at her school need to know what's going on.

After my rape I was a wreck, I couldn't get dressed everyday, let alone study.

But certain people knew, so everything was worked out between my teachers and I.

My dean was able to communicate with them, which was a big help.

I'm pretty sure that she doesn't feel she can trust anyone, but she can't make it on her own.

There is the danger that she might commit suicide also. When depression and those other disorders kick in a person can become extremely hopeless.

It's like you're unable to envision or see any future for yourself.

And you can find yourself in so much unbearable pain, that death becomes reallly attractive, because it's like nothing can be worse than what you're currently feeling.

What's why she needs help. She needs people to encourage her, or distract her even.

I had a friend who offered to come get me, let me stay with him, escape my problems (that really helped).

It's like you'll be okay for a while after the rape. But you eventually crash and burn. It's really hard. She may even need medicine to cope.

What is her current condition? Does she go to class anymore? Or does she stay indoors all day? Is she drinking or popping pills to stay afloat?

It's really hard to judge. It's hard when you aren't around the person.

I had another friend who was living a ways away from me. She called an adult we both knew mutually. She didn't tell him that I had been raped, but she told him that she was realllly concerned for me.

Then he called. Listening to what he had to say was really helpful.

I guess at some point and time, if things are realllly bad.......if she won't get help for herself, you have to get help for her.

If her parents are really understanding and loving people, I would call them and tell them that I was reallly worried about her. And suggest that they pay her a visit.

I'm sure she'll need the support.

[soul_soother]

[quote=Gracelove;

Does she have a boyfriend? Or anyone at her school that she can depend on?

Do her parents know yet?

What is her current condition? Does she go to class anymore? Or does she stay indoors all day? Is she drinking or popping pills to stay afloat?

 

She does not have a boyfriend she had a guy that she was close with but, she stopped being close with him after he found out...Real good guy huh??

 

No her parents do not know, they are military.

 

She's in an "I'm okay, i just wish it never happened and I could have really prevented it" sort of a it's sort of my fault I let it happened masking/facade situation.

 

She goes to class and goes to school still, having a little trouble with her work seemingly but, still doing fine, taking time from school is out of the question because she goes to school on a military base. Without the school knowing why she can't do much, but on the good side school ends in 3 weeks.

 

Sense the situation happened during a party she's afraid to ever really drink, and as far as I know she's not taking any drugs or narcotics...that I'm aware of at least?

 

But, she's still making plans and she still seems to be a depressant happy..If you understand? It's obvious that she's depressed but she keeps trying to look happy. It's good and bad but, I've been joking around making her laugh as much as possible over myspace/msn. This saturday she's coming over along with some people she can really trust.

 

Contacting a counselors or other thing is sort of out of the question seeming how if anyone "official" finds out there will be a full investigation because of the military issue...

 

We have a weird relationship, I didn't really know her that well but she trusts me a lot because the school accross town all the females have known me for being trusting and listening really well....So she latched on to telling me even though we are honestly not that close.. So it's a little hard as well to do other stuff to make her happy but, Im trying...