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NC - Today's update

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Hi, my friends


I have not been posting here so often as I was doing a few weeks ago. Somehow, I felt that being constantly reading break-upsstories was making me fell blocked in my healing. But the worst part of all are those threads that, one way or another, give hopes or make me fell guilty for the way I've acted in my relationship and what I've been doing the last weeks. About the relationship, I know what I need to improve so I think I don't need to put myself in situations that make me fell guilty or bad about what I've done.

A different situation is happening with what happened during NC.... I'm on the second NC period, 1 month now. The first period lasted almos 1 and 1/2 months when my ex started to text me. I've always refused her invitations and I don't know exacly if she was trying to arrange an opportunity to talk with me about the relationship or if she just wanted to restore a friendship with me. I was always polite in my replies but she told me my answers were still very cold. We exchanged a few e-mails and she told me I was a rebound but she continues to think I'm an amazing guy and she would love to be my friend. In spite of that, I have the gut feeling that she was trying to get close to me so that we can sort things out, or to get to know each other better and, who knows where that would end up? We moved too fast into a relationship before we know each other very well so I'm sure that what I feel about she being a greater person than she show me, she must be feeling it too. Maybe I'm just fooling myself but that's a gut feeling I have. And because I didn't follow my instinct, I feel like a ***hole. Maybe I should have accepted her invitations...or maybe not...probably not.

Anyway, rationally I know she was the one to break up and I must believe the things she said: only friendship...but I keep thinking how proud and stubborn she is, but she's also very determined in her decisions so I must believe her.

Anyway, I'm not prepared to meet her or talk to her and I've told her so. Doing NC is a natural thing for me because I've done it all my life when a relationship fails, but while in the past I never looked for my relationships properly, this time I've done it and I was surprised about my behaviours. There's so many things I need to improve and sometimes I'm feeling that's too late for that, at least thinking about relationships. I'm 40 years old, I'm not 20 or 30. But I'm feeling strong about my improvement, I really want to change, sometimes I'm not shure if I'm doing the right things to achieve that but at least I'm doing something. If I know myself, this NC will last for more than a year and if I meet her again it will be by pure chance and, when that happens, I won't feel nothing for her. Maybe when it happens, we can reach a new understanding about things and we can be back together or, most probable, we will not.

Until that day comes, I'll live my life the best way I can.

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And one of the things I realized in the last day is that I love her for what she really is, and not for what she showed me. So, why should I beat myself 'cause of the things I've done? I acted the way I did just to try to make her go out of her shell...There's nothing wrong with that. I know there might be other ways to do it, maybe better ones, but I've done things the way I was used to. It didn't worked but who tells me for sure that those better ways would work too?

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