am I crazy?

[itsjustj]

I had met this man about 6 months ago and it was just "wow" from the beginning, I think that was my first Mistake But as we get older we hope that maybe this is it and I had hoped it was. He was the one I thought, But as time went on, he became [what I'm sure is know "showing true colors"] He began always complaining about something, usually everything was bad [not with us just in general, car, work, ex's etc] everything else was everyone's else's fault. soon I felt like I was on eggshells with him as he slowly began to control me and tear away my spirit , I lost my own friends and a job I was very much into, yet I still hung in there in hope this relationship would work, He recently purchased a house he couldn't afford and is now deep in debt and bills. I even lent him money [yes I know a BIG mistake]. which he still owes me, I became afraid of his outbursts and constant belittling of me. It seemed nothing mad e him happy.

Last night we had a horrible fight, I got my things and left, I am assuming its over.

so, why am I hurting so badly and even wish he would call and hope we could try again?

Seeking advice, so I let it go? give it time? - NC? - or salvage?

Thank You

[Jetta]

Because you love him and many of us have a belief that love can overcome anything.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA itsjustj, great to have you here...

 

Why are you hurting badly and wish he would call to want to try again? Several reasons I think. You are attached to him and the detachment is painful. You have also gotten used to this pattern with him and developed a comfort in this familiarity as unhealthy as this familiarity is. Now you see a reconciliation as a quick and easy means to the end of getting re-attached, back to familiarity, and not hurting anymore.

 

That's the crux of this: you don't want to suffer. Your mind is using its built-in defense mechanisms to try to avoid this pain. The problem is, these defenses have no forethought, or any thought at all for that matter. They react on the surface-level with the sole intent to stop the suffering right now.

 

But upon deeper examination, you will see this is not the best course of actions. This situation is tearing you apart and bringing you down on many levels, emotionally, financially, etc. Perhaps on the deeper levels you have some self-esteem issues, maybe feel like this is what you deserve or that this is all that is out there for you, and that if you let this go, you will never find love or a better situation in which to grow love again. Then your emotional defense mechanisms fee doff this in telling you things "will change" and start to focus on only the good points of this guy and the relationship.

 

It is also quite possible that you feel letting this go would make you feel like a failure, and the guilt on top of the aforementioned feelings of detachment, etc. seems too monumental of a mountain to climb, so the "easy route" is to go back and "settle" for this situation.

 

In short, I think this experience has shot your perspective of relationships to hell and you are better off 10 times out of 10 n situations like this to not think, not give yourself the opportunity to be confused about what to do, and just get out quickly, cleanly, and surely. Forget about the money right now and get to higher emotional ground. You are more valuable than the money you lent him and far more valuable than the way he is treating you and will treat you, i.e., don't expect change with this, it isn't going to happen. Period.

[itsjustj]

friscodj,

 

Thank you for your post & welcome.

You are wise and wonderful in your thoughts.

and I agree will the majority of them, Its just so hard because it was all so good and got bad so fast leaving me confused, As far as the money I am trying to forget about it, but its been hard since he has spent money on other things before even trying to pay me back, and yes, he treated me horrible with verbal attack [some have said that can lead to physical] yet he would always come back with an loving feeling, and then the cycle would begin again.

[friscodj]

he treated me horrible with verbal attack [some have said that can lead to physical] yet he would always come back with an loving feeling, and then the cycle would begin again.

 

That's exactly how these destructive cycles work and will continue to work unless you take the reigns and pulls the trigger on this.

 

It's not going to be easy. It won't feel good. It won't feel "right". You will question yourself, blame yourself, feel hopeless and suffer immensely, but in time the picture will become crystal clear that you are so much better without this situation and you will start feeling better and better...in time...

 

To reach this place, you need to punch through the outer layer of this that is imprisoning you in this situation. The time aspect and uncertainty of the future associated with this time is what keeps people in situations like this. Most of the time, they know what's going on but either don't believe in themselves or believe in the future enough and fear the pain to follow through . You've got to come to terms with that yourself and ultimately no matter what anyone else tells you, it is your responsibility for yourself and your happiness to take action here. There is no getting around that.

 

And when you do get out of this, you better believe he will throw everything he has at you (perhaps literally) to get you back in this destructive cycle which is familiar and comfortable to him as well. He will suffer too from any type of separation from this cycle and given the history here, will certainly try to assuage his grief at your expense through manipulative tactics. That's what will happen I can tell you that surely. Prepare for it.

 

I can also surely tell you this will be very, very hard for you now but ultimately it will be one of the best things that ever happened to you without a doubt.

 

And of course, we will be here for you every step in your journey...

[itsjustj]

Thank You again for helping me get through this very difficult day. I hope all things good for you

[lady00]

I hope you are doing okay...this is tough but you did the right thing. I can't offer much advice because I don't have much familiarity with situations like this but it sounds like he was quite emotionally abusive. What you need to avoid now is letting him sweet-talk you into coming back. Maybe in a while you will look back and see the big fight as a blessing in disguise. This guy sounds like he's just a mess...emotionally, financially etc. and the only one that can save him is him if he chooses to make a plan and get himself out of it.

[itsjustj]

Thank You Lady00 for Your words. I do appreciate them very Much

[itsjustj]

I have not made any contact but he has. Mostly to ask what I have been doing, and why I am not around like I was . Then tells me all about his great day, and then that's it. This is confusing me very much, anyone know what is going on?

[lady00]

I have not made any contact but he has. Mostly to ask what I have been doing, and why I am not around like I was . Then tells me all about his great day, and then that's it. This is confusing me very much, anyone know what is going on?

 

Hmm...it sounds like he's trying to test the waters and see if you are missing him. My advice would be to ignore his contacts for a while so you can have a mental break to really think through what you want.

[frida123]

Dear Itsjusti,

I think you have been very strong. I also think that within you you know the answer to what you "should" and could do at this moment, but that it might be really hard for you right now to do anything. Remember that whatever action you choosee to take or not to take there is no hurry, at this very moment you dont need to decide for anything, all that can wait a few days until yoe feel more balanced. Looking at your situation I think that first of all we can conclude that you allready have done a very good thing. You left after your argument. Considering that you worry about him getting also fysically violent I think that was very wise.

When you have a close relationship with someone like this man you normally start questioning yourself- am I that bad as he said or if not, why am I so stupid to stay in this relationship? Remember that most people who do stay(all though you havent- you actually left) are not stupid and in the beginning not unsecure of them selves. What normally happens is that you also have godd times, between the outbursts, and all of us want the good and loving moments. So you starting chasing and hoping for them, you stay as the gambler in front of the slot machine, in hope of winning.

Of course you miss him, love him and want him back. Maybe you should consider though if you want all him back, even the arguments. Would you come to the conclusion that you dont need that I think another good thing for you is support. Support from us here, but maybe also in real life. Do you hade good friends or family who can be there for you right now?

Wish you the very best, Frida

[itsjustj]

Frida,

Your words are not only wise but very supportive and I thank You very much for them.

All have been very helpful in getting me though this very tough time. I am glad that there us a place such as this to come to when in need. I hope soon that I too will be able to give back the wisdom that has been given to me. Again I thank You and wish all good things.

.j

[frida123]

Hello again,

I know- Im just new here, and it really has been very helpful. All the people here, so friendly and supportive. Just the feeling of not being alone ("am I the onle single in the world?") and also seeing that people feel better after a while. You will too, and me!

Frida