this is kind of twisted up...

[floramae]

it's been a very long time since i've posted anything on this site.

 

i don't even know where to begin. it's funny actually. i began posting here back when i first moved to the town i currently reside in. i'm moving away in a couple months, and here i am, back again.

 

i'm going to try and make this short, but i think it's going to be difficult.

 

i may have a problem that i am not fully conscious of. i have had a string of one to two month relationships. i always seem to be more interested than the dude. i guess i'm lonely, and maybe i'm just looking to settle for whatever keeps me warm at night. i understand this probably isn't the best idea...

every time one of these relationships ends i feel really insecure about myself. maybe i'm paranoid but i feel like a joke in their eyes, and their friends eyes. i know this probably affects the way i carry myself in public. i can't seem to shake it.

but it's not only that...

my roommate and i don't get along. she has a boyfriend and they seem like they're i love. he is here practically every day and night. she and i are not good at communicating with one another. the first fight began back a few months ago when i asked her to start cleaning up a little bit more around the house. i was very gung ho about school and living like a pig kind of stifled my thinking. i tried to approach her in a nice way, but it's kind of a condescending thing to ask someone to take the trash out.. i resent the way she talks to me, so i just don't anymore---there is this bad energy lingering around the house. we don't get on each other's cases anymore--it got ugly back there for a minute...

 

i'm feeling very tired of school and the routine. thankfully i graduate in a few months. i could be doing better. i know what i'm capable of, but other things in my life get in the way. remember when i said i was gung ho and into keeping tidy. i've totally gone the other way. i don't care about excelling in school anymore. i just want to be done. i let the dishes sit for days. my room is a disaster. my heart is very heavy right now.

...so it's kind of a mixture of all of these things that has me feeling crappy. i keep thinking i have this personality flaw that is highly visible to everyone else but me. i feel sick a lot of the time. i just don't like where i live and i hope things change once i move. i can't believe i stuck it out this long. people have always told me nothing changes but the scenery. i hope that's not true. i feel like i'm really a good person. i'm human like anyone else. i don't try to be someone i'm not. i feel like maybe everyone else has me pegged, and i don't have the slightest clue. i don't know.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Floramae, as hard as it is, you need to try not to equate your self worth with how desirable you feel to other people. From your post I got the strong feeling that your sense of self is tied up in being with another person, and that's something that you need to address.

[mintblossom]

warm bodies, cold dead heart. it's hard to date. it's not fun at all. it makes me miserable. i need to go to therapy.

[anna_k]

Your post struck a chord with me actually.

 

I am in many ways similar to you:

-I always have short relationships where the guy pursues me first then goes cold whilst I simultaneously get more attached. Always. I always seem to like them more too. I often ask myself: 'What is so wrong with me that makes it impossible for them to love me?' Initially I am attractive to them then suddenly, they go cold. I have a feeling it is because I am a very feminine person. I'm maternal and emotional (erring on the side of melodrama apparently). I'm sure none of these things are attractive to young guys (who always chase me first. It's almost cruel how these things work out!)

-I've never admitted it but I think a lot of guys want me just for sex. It's just sad and insulting. But I can't do anything about it. I don't dress provocatively and don't sleep around or take up offers (I've slept with less than 3 people in my lifetime).

-My life looks amazing from the outside. I've worked my butt off getting to where I am. If I could look at it without being in the frame, I'd probably be envious. Of-course, living my life has never been peachy. Despite my successes my sense of worth, as someone said before, is probably tied up in being with another person. Don't give up your study. It's the one of those things that you'll look back and be proud of. You always feel good when you get through something hard like that, not everyone can do it.

-I have a slight accommodation problem too. 'Slight' in that I usually I live alone whilst I've been finishing my degree (my family is interstate) but my mum recently came here to stay because she was worried about me and refused to take 'no' as an answer. Needless to say, I don't bring guys back home and I never let them come over. This has affected my relationships for sure.

 

I know it's a really hard thing to do but you sound like you used to have the motivation to do well in school. Don't neglect that. Motivation is such a valuable thing. There's a great quote by Mark Twain or someone that roughly goes:

 

'Time doesn't change everything, we have to change things ourselves.'

 

PM me if you ever feel the need. Good luck with everything.

[floramae]

anna k--we do sound a lot alike. it's not as though i feel i NEED to be with anyone. i pick guys that are generally my "type." i may find out something a little later that doesn't quite synch with me, but choose to continue just because it's nice to have someone around. that's probably not the mature thing. i shouldn't care what anyone else thinks. i just get very insecure around certain people because i feel like they already have a negative opinion about me based on an experience i had with someone else whom they know. this town is very small and everyone seems to know everyone else. i have made some mistakes, but i really regret few things i've done. i feel like i'm playing defense---like i have to explain myself to people.

the circumstances under which i came to be in this town are very complicated. i got out of a really bad relationship. we moved here together and after we broke it off it took me a long time to find myself again. i was impulsive and desperatly wanting to make friends. i'm sure i came off needy. in fact, i was told that by a few females who ceased talking to me. i've heard my roommate and her boyfriend talking badly about me, and i won't deny i've talked badly about her. i'm judgemental becuase i feel people are that way towards me. this is not the way i used to be and i know it's ugly. i wish i could just move elsewhere and start over, and i think that's what will happen. i am confident in many ways, but the feeling that i am viewed in this negative way by most of the people i come accross in this town keeps me from being totally secure and happy. furthermore the only way i EVER feel comfortable dating someone is if i can tell they really want to be with me, otherwise i am constanly on edge, don't know how to behave, and unfocused on the other areas of my life.