floramae

it's almost as if that were written by me. i getcha. especially the part about starting over every couple months. hate it. i come from the perspective of feeling i'm conscious of things around me while others arent. is that egocentric? have you ever heard someone talk very badly about someone you know? the person you know has no idea this other person feels this way...this person may say terrible horrible things, gossip, etc, and then smile at the person you know and act friendly. you watch this and are mortified thinking, "how awful it must be to be so ignorant." i do that, and i hate it. i think that ignorance is bliss and i wish i was ignorant or perhaps more apathetic. i am paranoid. i never let my guard down, i trust no one and every relationship i get into is like walking on glass. i never come out clean, i always feel like i was better before i ever got involved with them, i let my priorities fall by the wayside, and i have to start from square one.

anna k--we do sound a lot alike. it's not as though i feel i NEED to be with anyone. i pick guys that are generally my "type." i may find out something a little later that doesn't quite synch with me, but choose to continue just because it's nice to have someone around. that's probably not the mature thing. i shouldn't care what anyone else thinks. i just get very insecure around certain people because i feel like they already have a negative opinion about me based on an experience i had with someone else whom they know. this town is very small and everyone seems to know everyone else. i have made some mistakes, but i really regret few things i've done. i feel like i'm playing defense---like i have to explain myself to people. the circumstances under which i came to be in this town are very complicated. i got out of a really bad relationship. we moved here together and after we broke it off it took me a long time to find myself again. i was impulsive and desperatly wanting to make friends. i'm sure i came off needy. in fact, i was told that by a few females who ceased talking to me. i've heard my roommate and her boyfriend talking badly about me, and i won't deny i've talked badly about her. i'm judgemental becuase i feel people are that way towards me. this is not the way i used to be and i know it's ugly. i wish i could just move elsewhere and start over, and i think that's what will happen. i am confident in many ways, but the feeling that i am viewed in this negative way by most of the people i come accross in this town keeps me from being totally secure and happy. furthermore the only way i EVER feel comfortable dating someone is if i can tell they really want to be with me, otherwise i am constanly on edge, don't know how to behave, and unfocused on the other areas of my life.

it's been a very long time since i've posted anything on this site. i don't even know where to begin. it's funny actually. i began posting here back when i first moved to the town i currently reside in. i'm moving away in a couple months, and here i am, back again. i'm going to try and make this short, but i think it's going to be difficult. i may have a problem that i am not fully conscious of. i have had a string of one to two month relationships. i always seem to be more interested than the dude. i guess i'm lonely, and maybe i'm just looking to settle for whatever keeps me warm at night. i understand this probably isn't the best idea... every time one of these relationships ends i feel really insecure about myself. maybe i'm paranoid but i feel like a joke in their eyes, and their friends eyes. i know this probably affects the way i carry myself in public. i can't seem to shake it. but it's not only that... my roommate and i don't get along. she has a boyfriend and they seem like they're i love. he is here practically every day and night. she and i are not good at communicating with one another. the first fight began back a few months ago when i asked her to start cleaning up a little bit more around the house. i was very gung ho about school and living like a pig kind of stifled my thinking. i tried to approach her in a nice way, but it's kind of a condescending thing to ask someone to take the trash out.. i resent the way she talks to me, so i just don't anymore---there is this bad energy lingering around the house. we don't get on each other's cases anymore--it got ugly back there for a minute... i'm feeling very tired of school and the routine. thankfully i graduate in a few months. i could be doing better. i know what i'm capable of, but other things in my life get in the way. remember when i said i was gung ho and into keeping tidy. i've totally gone the other way. i don't care about excelling in school anymore. i just want to be done. i let the dishes sit for days. my room is a disaster. my heart is very heavy right now. ...so it's kind of a mixture of all of these things that has me feeling crappy. i keep thinking i have this personality flaw that is highly visible to everyone else but me. i feel sick a lot of the time. i just don't like where i live and i hope things change once i move. i can't believe i stuck it out this long. people have always told me nothing changes but the scenery. i hope that's not true. i feel like i'm really a good person. i'm human like anyone else. i don't try to be someone i'm not. i feel like maybe everyone else has me pegged, and i don't have the slightest clue. i don't know.