any advice on this one?

[persuaded]

It has been four months since we broke up. I asked for commitment (after 7 years of being together). He said he wasn't sure and didn't know when he would be so I showed him the door.

He came back but i wasn't having any of it. I felt too hurt.

 

These last four months have been the most difficult months of my life. I never expected to feel such excruciating pain, such loneliness and yet at the same time such strength. I have cried on the shoulders of friends and had some good laughs too. A rollercoaster of emotions...

 

We kept L.C but haven't seen eachother for 4 months. I have not initiated contact for the last month but i answer the phone when he calls and lately he's been calling a lot.

 

He's asking how i am, who i am with ... showing signs of jealousy if i say i am with a guy (friend) ...

 

He's been planning to move out of the country and last night he called me to say that the date is fixed for late spring.

 

Up to this point i have been acting aloof and congratulating him on his move but last night I just could not take it I i told him that I love him, i don't want him to go away etc etc...

 

He said that he needed to hear that, that he loves me too and that he wishes that things were different. Then he commented on whether there was a chance between us and said we should both think about it and meet up in a week and talk. I said ok and chose an independent place in the city so that it is not on my or his territory.

 

I am so confused and I feel sick... Is there a chance? The romantic in me melts (i know ... i know... bliaaaahhh) But the cynic is also there. Does this guy know how much he hurt me? I know he hurt too but... man!!!!

 

My friends tell me to be cautious and are dubious as to whether i should ever consider going back to a man who showed such lack of commitment in the first place.

 

I managed to start re - building a life. I am scared that if I put my trust in him then it might all collapse again...

 

Any advice on how to deal with this?

[terk2021]

This is a tough situation for someone really to tell you which way to go on this one. As you mentioned, you have successfully started to move on with your life. I commend you for that. It's been 7 months for me since my breakup, and I am really just starting to make strides to move forward in life (it's still very difficult). I ran into her the other night, and all of the feelings started rushing back.

 

I would not say I am back at ground zero, but it definitely set me back. Your in one of those situations where your heart is probably telling you one thing, and your head is telling you another. I would really make sure that you are ready to see him. Your emotions might get the best of you if you are not ready. If I were in your situation, and I had already started to rebuild my life without him, than I would probably let him know exactly what you are looking for in the relationship. If he is not ready for that, then he should contact you when he is. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

It's not really an ultimatum, it's just that you know what you want out of the relationship. He should not be in a position to have what he wants without giving you what you want. That's what a relationship is about.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[bigheart09]

Is he saying that he wont move if there is a chance you guys can be together? Maybe the thought of losing you made him realize he does want to spend the rest of his life with you. I would tread carefully, because you dont want to hinder the progress you have made so far. Good LucK!

[persuaded]

Thank you for your replies...

 

Terk,

I believe you are right. If he is not willing to give me 100% commitment then we just need to get on with our lives and good luck to him. I will not accept to be a 'limbo' girlfriend again...

 

Bigheart,

The phonecall lasted for 10 intense minutes and a lot was said but I inferred that he might stay and not go if thre is a chance with us.

 

I was also thinking... After all the crying and the talking with friends about this etc etc... wouldn't it be .. well sort of embarrassing if i know said that I was thinking of giving him a second chance?

 

but i repeat... only if he is willing to go the whole 9 yards!

[Shiva 2007]

there is always the possibility that he has truyly changed and realized how much he really loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. If thats the case I would make sure he speaks the words of commitment, I would make it clear that it would the only way you too would get back together again. I think you should be firm, guys sometimes need to know that you mean what you say before taking the next step.

Good luck

[persuaded]

thanks Shiva.

 

I guess if i don't give i t one last go i will never know!

 

I'll be clear and firm with him ...

[bigheart09]

The only way you should give him a second chance is if he says he will committ to you a 100%. Dont settle for any less. Dont worry about being embarrassed b/c it is your life and no one else's. If they are your true friends they will understand.

[Siriana]

Well give him a chance to clarify his intentions.

If he says he is ready for commitment you wanted and asked for, give him a chance.

If he wants to keep dating don't do it.

You're not getting any younger and you have a right to get what you want and deserve, if you sense he is staying at the same place with you and wants things to be exactly the same don't do it (and I think he should choose not to move away - long distance is out of the question in my mind).

 

I think you played your cards well. You gave him a chance to see what his life without you would look like.

Maybe he came to his senses and discovered that the grass is anything but greener in no commitment life.

 

So meet him.

If you don't you'll wonder forever what if....

[terk2021]

Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. Open your heart and let him know that you love him, and want to be with him, but if he is not ready for that committment, you have to move forward in life. If and when he is ready for that type of committment, that's when he needs to get in contact with you.

 

It's hard to do. I wish I had the strength at the time last year to do it. It sucks when your heart has much more control over you than your mind does

 

Good luck, and keep posting. We are all here to help.

[Zaphod]

It has been four months since we broke up. I asked for commitment (after 7 years of being together).

 

I'm confused - isn't the fact that he's been with you 7 years a sign of commitment?

What other "commitment" did you ask for?

[Siriana]

 

What other "commitment" did you ask for?

 

Yeah, I bet you're a guy!

What do you think? What is real commitment opposed to dating or playing house?

[Zaphod]

Yeah, I bet you're a guy!

What do you think? What is real commitment opposed to dating or playing house?

 

I don't know. It certainly ain't a bit of paper saying you are "married". Look at the divorce rate. It means nothing more than the paper it's written on.

Real commitment is in the heart, soul, and spirit, not on a piece of paper.

Living with someone isn't "playing" house - it's doing house for real - just because you aren't married doesn't mean you're just "playing".

 

I fear this is why a lot of relationships break up - one or both parties are socially conditioned to think there is a "next logical step" or if you don't end up married the "relationship's not moving forward" or "There's no commitment".

 

I think this is a shame in today's society.

[Zaphod]

Yeah, I bet you're a guy!

 

I sense this is one of the things that men and women fight about nowadays - the relationship "moving forward". Personally I think that concept is an illusion a lot of the time.

Of course I'm a guy LOL how on earth did you guess.

 

However I'm also a commited guy - I have seen many women through many hard times without batting an eyelid, I have been there for them when it's over. I am faithful both in body and spirit.

 

However - I'm not religious and see no reason to get married apart from financial reasons (which is originally what marriage is all about NOT love and NOT religion). So come to that stage I might, but I don't need a woman to marry me to know that she is committed.

[Siriana]

Well I can't say what the OP thinks, but in most cases (not always, of course) when we plan to have a family we want to get married.

Reasons are mostly legal (to protect interests of both parties involved) and finantial.

In my case it's not about religion - I'm not religious.

Also for a very big part of female population (again, not all) it is a sign of a wish to take things further, to have kids, to finantially plan things together like buying a home.....

 

Now why I wrote my somewhat rude responce you qouted?

Because OP wants to take things further so no point in telling her how 7 years is a commitment and asking something more is not necessary.

She stated how she wanted things to progress so she woan't change her mind, obviously.

[Zaphod]

Reasons are mostly legal (to protect interests of both parties involved) and finantial.

 

VERY refreshing to hear someone admit reality. Good on you!

 

In my case it's not about religion - I'm not religious.

Also for a very big part of female population (again, not all) it is a sign of a wish to take things further, to have kids, to finantially plan things together like buying a home.....

 

I just don't understand how in the female's eyes these material things "take things further"? Sure they are lovely things but what about the couple that are penniless, infertile, non religious? How would a couple like this , stripped of these things "take thigns further"?

I still think it's social conditioning......

 

 

Now why I wrote my somewhat rude responce you qouted?

Because OP wants to take things further so no point in telling her how 7 years is a commitment and asking something more is not necessary.

She stated how she wanted things to progress so she woan't change her mind, obviously.

 

Fair do's I just challenge what people really mean by "Take things further" - in the hope it may help some people, not just to debate. So after you're married with the kids, shared house, marriage certificate, etc. - then how do you "take things further" after that?

 

BTW - I in no way found your post rude, on the contrary it was intelectually stimulating. Say what you want to me, it's all healthy debate! And we all learn something.

[Zaphod]

Oh another thing while we're on the subject of marriage -

 

Why is it that some non religious people insist on getting married in a Catholic Church under the eyes of God? Never made sense to me..... all seems rather false and contrived. Many of my friends have done this, only to leave us all in the aisles giving each other confused looks as we congratulate them......

[persuaded]

i'm sorry Zaphod but to me marriage is a big deal... and not just for legal reasons.

 

It shouts out to the whole world 'She is the one for me' 'I want to spend my life with her'... It is a matter of respect. 7 years of being 'the girlfriend' just isn't good enough any more.

 

And ... I don't want to have kids outside marriage.

 

So that committment - engagement, wedding etc - was a necessary stage if our lives were going to move forward.

[Zaphod]

i'm sorry Zaphod

Why? You have nothing to apologise about

 

 

but to me marriage is a big deal... and not just for legal reasons.

 

It shouts out to the whole world 'She is the one for me' 'I want to spend my life with her'... It is a matter of respect. 7 years of being 'the girlfriend' just isn't good enough any more.

 

And ... I don't want to have kids outside marriage.

 

So that committment - engagement, wedding etc - was a necessary stage if our lives were going to move forward.

 

That's not quite the point I was raising - I was talking about non religious couples getting married in a Catholic Church

 

I at no point have said I dissaprove of marriage or think it's a bad thing.

 

 

7 years of being 'the girlfriend' just isn't good enough any more.

 

That's fair enough, I'm just interested as to how people who don't want to get married then push the relationship forward - there are couples in the world who have been together for years and years but are never going to marry, perhaps they do not agree or believe in marriage for whatever reason, I wonder how it is then that these couples show each other commitment?