This is driving me nuts...

[Alibi]

Yeah, I haven't posted here in forever but I enjoy lurking

 

As most of these posts seem to start out, there's this girl that I like.

 

Some background information: I'm 20, she's 22. I met her in October through a mutual friend. She had just broken up with a b/f of a couple years who was significanly older than she was (He was 40 but she initially thought he was 30) and I had just broken up with my g/f of a couple years myself.

 

So we've been friends since and when we met we liked each other almost instantly but neither of us were wanting to get into a new relationship right away so we've stayed friends. No big deal, thats really what we both needed and wanted at the time, and to a degree, we talked to each other through getting over it.

 

The crazy thing is that we've just tons and tons in common. Tastes in music, cars (a chick that digs cars is a +1 on my list), movies, art, food, and according to our friends we both have similar really weird senses of humor (when I mean weird, I mean weird...). We can talk to each other about just about anything... we've both kinda opened up to each other and talked about things that I've never wanted to talk about before... but I can talk to her because we can relate to each other. We both grew up in messed-up family lives, odd relationships, nosy relatives, just everything...

 

And to the point: I can't tell if she still likes me or even wants a relationship or not. I keep asking her if she wants to go to a museum or to a movie or whatever and she's always really excited and happy at the prospect... but later on she seems like she always puts off going with me either because of lack of money (we're poor college students) or because she has too much homework. Both valid points, but every time? Well, almost every time. The couple times we did go somewhere she was really talkative and acting silly and happy in general.

 

Basically, I ask her to go somewhere, she says "great!" then it never happens.

 

What really really confuses me is that she and I flirt back and forth... sometimes she kinda hints that she'd only date a friend over someone she just met.

 

I do wonder if she's just not ready for a relationship or not... its seems like she decides she is and then at the last moment something in her personal life happens and she wants to be left alone. I tell her I care for her and that I like her and all but it always feels wrong if I just want to tell her that I think I love her... I guess I'm just afraid of weirding her out or... I don't know.

 

This whole situation is driving me nuts. I really like her, I want to spend time with her and just hang out... and she acts like she wants to also but always becomes busy or broke (and I've offered to pay too...).

 

I guess I just want some suggestions, perhaps from a ladies point of view as to what may be going through her head? Or just any suggestions or anything...

 

I'm halfway considering just candidly asking if she wants go on a date... She'd prolly tell me what I need to know then. I've never actually said "date" but instead "hey, you wanna go to a museum with me?" or "ooh, such and such movie is at the cheap theatre, wanna go?" or "hey, have you had lunch yet? Wanna go?" Stuff like that.

 

Ok, I'm done rambling. Any help is greatly appreciated though

 

(On a side note, I love this smiley:

[friscodj]

Hey Alibi-

 

I think her perceived indecisiveness is rooted in the likely fact that she is still getting to better emotional ground with her break up. Four months removed from a 2 year relationship is not long...

 

But this is life, these things happen, we all have our imperfections as do the situations we find ourselves in. It sounds to me like she is not looking for a relationship right now. It sounds like she has other focuses and wants to do what she wants to do when and how she wants it. I think if she wanted a real relationship with you, she would make more of an effort than what you wrote here...

 

This situation is also classically how guys get proverbially "friendzoned". You are providing a source of caring, support, and interest to make her feel good without the need for her to take this to the next level as you desire, especially when she is likely still getting over her last relationship. She has likely viscerally associated you with this role and this established pattern given how it is helping her get over this other guy. This is classic...

 

Now you are looking at reaching a breaking point here with this situation. That's what happens in situations like this...someone always does...

 

So for you and your sanity I think you should get an answer here one way or the other, as it sounds like your heart is wrapped up in this. It needs to be freed either through free expression with her or rejection either directly or through sustained flakiness so you can move onto someone else later on.

 

I think you should take her out and see how she reacts to an expression of your feelings. If things seem cordial, attempt to kiss her. Situations like this and reactions to such are very telling...if you have clear and unbiased vision for such...

 

In order to gain this necessary perspective, you've got to do something here without making this situation the center of your universe. You're best to allow yourself freedom to let this come or go and not shy away from taking some time away from her if need be. Getting comfortable with this idea will likely give you some necessary courage to get the job done here.