why can i only feel ok when another girl comes into the picture?

[danman4968]

Ok, so the first time there was a possibility of my getting together with another girl i laughed at my ex and felt like i was totally over her...when it wasnt really happenin with the new chick things changed and i was staring at her myspace again...now there is a beautiful girl who works next to me that i have been building the guts to ask out for a while and i hear she likes me...so ive been talking to her lately and im asking her to lunch in a couple days...soo...why is it when my attention is distracted my feelings seem like they disappear...

 

I feel like i always have to be attached to someone...could that be true?

 

thanks

dan

[TheRedQueen]

Perhaps, like most people, you're afraid of being alone.

 

Being in love, or even lust for that matter, is a great way to pass time. Without these pursuits many of us feel bored, lonely and depressed.

[friscodj]

Dan-

 

Long time no hear buddy, good to hear you are alive and well...

 

Is this the girl at the coffee shop by any chance? You haven't asked her out yet?

 

Anyway, you're 17 buddy, you've got the hall pass to have fun, make mistakes and do stupid things. No need to beat yourself about things and take away from the enjoyment of discovery and enjoying life at your age.

 

You are asking questions it took me to 28 or 29 to ask so I'd say you are doing well. The sweetest fruits will come for you in the process of your own discovery and definition of the answers vs. the answers themselves. Keep going and don't worry so much...you've got plenty of time to do that when you're older...

[danman4968]

yes it is the same girl gave up on her because i didnt feel she was interested...but that just shows what i know...a stupid co-worker went up and told her i was thinking about asking her to lunch sometime and he said she seemed really interested thought i was nice or something to that sort : /...so even though i wanted to go about it a different way i guess ive kinda got no choice now...shes the one that is incredibly beautiful and should be doing modeling...which is why i was so nervous. The only thing that bothers me is i still cant drive so i cant really ask her to anything but lunch around where we both work. So if things did work out with her somehow i couldnt take her anywhere and i know just by how she looks shes had boyfriends who probably drive expensive cars and can take her out and go to partys and take her to hang out with a big group of people and all that stuff...im just not like that.

 

but who knows...ive finally got some cool hobbies keeping me busy...but still i find myself with wayyy to much free time.

 

Working 20-25 hrs a week, training brazilian jiu jitsu 5 hrs a week and muay thai 4 hrs a week. Im happy with my hobbies...im building confidence and having tons of fun. so i guess i cant complain much...things have been pretty well lately.

[friscodj]

Dan-

 

You are not doing good buddy...you're doing great.

 

The hobbies I developed during my developmental teen years turned into passions which have defined my life, my personality, have been my best friends through some tough times, and lead me to meet my best friends and some of my most fulfilling relationships.

 

You're happy with your hobbies, they certainly sound healthy, likely offer you an escape from the mundane reality of life, yeah, good stuff. Why not spend more time doing them or something related to them?

 

As for the situation with this woman, I know good looks can be intimidating and generate illusions with negative connotations like you are experiencing. That's normal, there's nothing wrong with you.

 

And if things don't work out with her for some reason, you've got your life outside of relationships that is pretty dam cool. And when you start driving you can get yourself a nice R6 and tear up some pavement...

 

She's incredibly beautiful but she's not perfect. Don't put her on a pedestal and overthink this. You're a hell of a guy with a bright future and she'd be nuts not to be crazy about someone like you.

[danman4968]

Why not spend more time doing them or something related to them?

 

i would love to...ive barely got enought money to take melissa (girl from work) to lunch on (assuming she wants to come) let alone enough to pay for more than what i do i do have a weight bench, i just dont want to over work myself.

 

You're a hell of a guy with a bright future and she'd be nuts not to be crazy about someone like you.

 

you...alot.

 

 

i just really dont want to scare her off like i think i did with the last one. I think i came off as desperate...which honestly, i kind of was...but this time its not about that. I messaged her on myspace...twice in the last 2 weeks...and she suggested i come by and talk to her, so thats what ive been doing.

[friscodj]

I understand about the money issue Dan. Maybe you could find something related to your martial arts that doesn't cost anything?

 

Dan, you're not going to come accross as desperate because you are not desperate. When you start believing in how cool your life is and what a great guy you are, this won't be a problem. So believe it when I say you're a great guy and she'd be crazy not to be crazy about you because it's true.

 

And for the love of God, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, she is telling you to come talk to her. Dan, buddy, open your eyes here. She likes you...you have nothing to worry about except these negative and self-defeating thoughts you are creating in your own head here.

 

So get over yourself and go have some fun with this woman already!

[danman4968]

ok...so it wasnt exactly a "come see me" thing...it was "i have work at 4, so maybe ill see you then?" and maybe im reading to far into it...lol if there is one thing ive learned its not to get my hopes up.

[TheRedQueen]

Oh, I thought that was you, but your new avatar made me doubt myself...

 

Perhaps you don't see what I see...

 

F.Y.I You are clearly a babe.

 

I say drop this whole masochistic approach you've got going on with women. From what I can gather, it seems as if your tendency to over analyze everything, at least in this context, leads you to nothing but T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

 

You second guess yourself too much!!!

 

Quick question, generally speaking, are you more extraverted or introverted?

 

Would you classify yourself as a shy guy?

[TheRedQueen]

ok...so it wasnt exactly a "come see me" thing...it was "i have work at 4, so maybe ill see you then?" and maybe im reading to far into it...lol if there is one thing ive learned its not to get my hopes up.

And now for some practical advice...

 

So you say she's model gorgeous, that's cool, so you see the *exact same thing* in her that every other guy sees, her beauty.

 

Quick interjection, what is it about her that you find so appealing? Besides her looks of course.

 

Is she funny? smart? original? sincere? etc...

 

When it comes to beautiful women, I've noticed that they are often more attracted to those guys that almost seem, not to see them. The more you focus on her personality when engaging her, the more time you spend getting to know her, the higher your chances will be that she'll reciprocate your interest.

[friscodj]

if there is one thing ive learned its not to get my hopes up.

 

You're wise beyond your years buddy...

 

Don't think about this one too much. I understand why you are doing it though. I think largely it is because you have a lot of free time. It would serve you well to fill your days up more so as not to leave room for worry and/or negativity to mess with you like this...

[danman4968]

Oh, I thought that was you, but your new avatar made me doubt myself...

 

Perhaps you don't see what I see...

 

F.Y.I You are clearly a babe.

 

thank you! i just wish i had a little more to offer...like driving her to dinner. I would be so much more confident if my jeep wasnt broken.

[danman4968]

Would you classify yourself as a shy guy?

 

Yes, very much so.

 

I suppose you are right and so is frisco...i am over thinking this...i honestly will sit and right her a two sentence message for an hour, changing it around and making it sound right, i dont wanna sound weird and desperate and creepy but at the same time i want to keep her interest. i want to insinuate slightly that i like talking to her and would like to come and see her again, if she wants.

 

So yes, to say i over analyze the situation would probably be an understatement.

[friscodj]

Yes, very much so.

 

I suppose you are right and so is frisco...i am over thinking this...i honestly will sit and right her a two sentence message for an hour, changing it around and making it sound right, i dont wanna sound weird and desperate and creepy but at the same time i want to keep her interest. i want to insinuate slightly that i like talking to her and would like to come and see her again, if she wants.

 

So yes, to say i over analyze the situation would probably be an understatement.

 

I've done stupid stuff like that and worse when I was you're age...and in many senses...still do...

 

You've got more important things to focus on so focus on them. This situation with this woman is one part, one fraction of your life, a life that has and/or can have many facets to it.

 

And the situation with her as it stands now is mainly a hopeful illusion. You don't know her, you don't know if she fits with you and your life, your way of thinking and living. You don't know if she is for you. Like you said, don't get your hopes up...

 

And notice the way I presented things to you above...she might not be for you. Remember to focus the perspective on you here too. It is not all about impressing her...she needs to impress you too beyond her appearance...

 

Experience tells me when you start focusing on and achieving a balance in your life like this, you'll naturally exude confidence and as such, attractiveness, vs. trying to fabricate it through wordcrafting and the resulting games that follow. This, combined with not getting your hopes up, pursuing a situation like this but doing so from somewhat of an emotional distance at this point, punctuates the point I think.

 

The bottom line is come or go with this one woman, you will figure this out, do so on your own, and will be fine.

[danman4968]

i guess your right...this whole situation adjusted my mentality to thinking that i need someone...rather than just living life like i should be doing. I have spent the last 6 months of my life obsessing over women. Whether it was my ex, or a girl im interested in...i suppose i should just relax.

 

This girl is nice and intelligent...dresses modestly (what i like the most) and has a sense of humor. I will focus on those things...after all i would never go after a girl for her looks...i learned what comes of that the hard way haha.

[friscodj]

Dan-

 

You are definitely wise beyond your years. I've stood on one leg, rolled over, barked for treats, and given my paw more than a few times in my pursuit of the trophy girlfriend...

 

I know you have some obsessive tendencies Dan. Is there any chance you can talk to a pro about these? Perhaps regular one-on-one in-person meetings could be beneficial in the way of learning some specific techniques to deal with the triggers and pattern of this behavior.

 

But first, you should try to get over it yourself because ultimately no matter what you'll have to do that anyway. So get over yourself...

 

And when you sense the negativity creeping in again, replace those thoughts with thoughts that you are "Dan the Man"...because you are...

 

You're kind of shy, you like fast bikes, three word signatures, and you have some OCD going on. You remind me of me...

[danman4968]

Is there any chance you can talk to a pro about these?

 

eh...your a pro sir....you have far better advice than the last "pro" i saw...lol...ill get into a different one though...

[friscodj]

Thank you for the compliment Dan...

 

I'm just some random dude on the Internet who thinks too much about the too many mistakes he's made with relationship-related issues trying to figure it all out like you my friend...

 

But yeah, just because someone has a degree that says they are qualified to be a therapist/counselor doesn't necessarily mean they are any good...or good for you...as you figured out.

 

I do think the personal and regular face-to-face interaction with an educated and experienced person who understands your situation is going to be a good step to take for you. There is so much useful information that can't be conveyed through the Internet that gets "lost in translation".

 

In my experience, the best people to see are those with a Ph.D. in psychology or a related field with at least 10 years experience in the field. There are certainly exceptions but this seems to be what experience has shown me to be the rule.

 

I went to someone at my school after my last devastating break up. He was the head of the counseling center, maybe 55 years old or so, just amazing, simply amazing. He knew exactly where I was and how I was feeling, it was almost scary. He knew more about me than me. He asked all the right questions and really brought out what needed to be brought out. The guy was a freaking psychological magician...

 

You should look for someone like that...and I'd say if you don't sense chemistry like this after the first session look elsewhere...

[danman4968]

I will look for someone...im just concerned about what to talk about...i mean, i dont really need to talk about my ex anymore. My best friend (until recently) is now with her...not together but they talk and have a thing going...needless to say if he talks to me or sets foot anywhere near me i will kick his * * *. This would be the same one i forgave after she cheated on me with him when i was in NC.

 

But anyways lol...i seem to get sidetrackted easily...i just am not too sure what i would spend my hour talking about with him/her.

[friscodj]

Yeah, well don't force it then. If you think you don't need to see someone then don't. I thought maybe it would help with your obsessive tendencies. I think that is the root of the difficulties you are having now and expressing here.

[danman4968]

i guess what im asking is...do i really have obsessive tendencies? Is what i am doing not normal? is it really something that needs addressing?

[friscodj]

i guess what im asking is...do i really have obsessive tendencies? Is what i am doing not normal? is it really something that needs addressing?

 

I don't know...I'm not the guy with the Ph.D. in Psych and a ton of experience with such things...

 

Maybe one session to find out and perhaps look into places you wouldn't think of looking yourself that could be hidden sources for your troubles...

 

I know with your ex you were pretty messed up. You're better now for sure but there might be some ground to be gained with looking into why you did the things you did in that situation on a psychological level that might help you avoid even getting to those situation where you could feel that way again.

 

Again, it's your call Dan, I'm just giving you ideas here that helped me before...

[danman4968]

they are good ideas and i will do just that

[TheRedQueen]

You're shy???

 

Too cute!

 

I swear, I almost want to get in my car, drive up the coast, give you a hug, and become your very own personal "wing woman".

 

But back to the problem at hand... Due to the worst case scenario catastrophe of your last relationship, like duh, of course you're going to feel insecure and unsure when it comes to women.

 

Emotional wounds take time to heal.

 

I say focus on yourself right now, and use this time to repair and rebuild the ego that you lost.

 

You're young, the women can wait.

[danman4968]

ohhh but the women cant wait...i am soooo sick of waiting...i havent been single in like 4 years...ever since ive been old enough to date the ladies have pretty much came to me...or ive heard that some girl was into me so it made it easier on me...but now im older and suddenly the ladies arent interested in ol' Dan the Man... So i find myself staying up all night trolling these forums.