Help me...I need advice

[heartbroken23]

Hello,

 

I was with my ex for almost 4 years. I am 23 she is 22 Just before summer started, she told me she needed space. She said she was unhappy with the relationship. She was in class and became attracted to a kid. I was her first. I was her first everything. We talked about marriage, etc, the works. We were serious all through college, and then just as I was finishing my Masters this happened. While we were broken up, I did everything in my power to get her back. Poems, songs, cards, flowers, everything. She said she was amazed with everything that I did and couldn't believe that my feelings were so strong for her. She said that she has thoughts about the other other kid and it is not fair to me to be with me while she thinks of those thoughts. She said she needs to know for sure and needs to be apart. I avoided her for about a week (I was so sick and I depressed), but eventully we hung out and talked. I did everything then. I pleaded, and one day she told me that she was going to hang out with the kid to tell him she couldn't hangout with him kike she had been anymore. She said she missed me and thought about me, and felt scared that she was making a mistake. We slowly started getting back together. Things seemed great. I had totally changed, treated her like a princess. She did however tell me that she wanted to be friends with theis kid because he was nice. That bothered me alot, he lives an hour away and I just felt, that it wouldnt happen that much. She hung out with him 2 times since we got back together. She insisted they were just friends and insisted I was her boyfriend. What she failed to tell me was that she was still attracted to him, and she felt she had a connection, whatever that means. I am miserable right now to say the least. It came out nowhere. I thought things were great again, and it happened to me again. We talked for two almost 3 hours the next day face to face and cried together. I told her I was positive she was the one for me. I reminded her about what we had built the last 4 years together, everything we have beed through. We are literaly each others BEST FRIEND She said if it is meant to be and if I feel in my heart she is the one, then she will be back sometime. She said she just can't be with me when she is having thoughts about someone else. Its not fair to me. We decided this time that we would avoid each other and cut off contact. Maybe she will miss me and she will relaize that she is missing soemone great and is making a mistake.My only hope is the distance thing. The kid lives about an hour away. She said she will not forget everything I told her and as soon as she misses me, she will be back. I am just so scared that that will never happen, and am scared that avoiding each other, not calling, etc will make it worse, like she will get used to me not being there. I just need some insight and advive to make me feel better, because god I need it. I am a student teacher for 1st grade and it is really effecting me. I can hardly smile anymore. Please help me, sorry for the long letter...

[Black Pheonyxx]

Hi. I am Black Pheonyxx as I read your post I realized that I have heard a similar situation described before. From a womans point of view it seems like you are being very sweet and trying to help her and at the same time not lose her. Bless your heart. Some times young women are afraid that they might be jumping into something too seriously and will miss out on life. She may or may not feel this way. Love is a wonderful feeling but "what if's" can be more powerful. She may care for you a great deal yet be afraid to miss out on life by being to serious with you. a nother theory that may apply is that she has not grown as far as is needful to comit to one man. If you and this lady are not together at this time call her every so often and talk about other things. Anything politics the various religious views held in the world today, modern fashion music or what the tabliods are saying. Keep it calm and relaxed, if you get into a debate over who has better hair Bruce willis or Antonio Banderas great but let her lead you if she so desires to discussing your relationship with one another. I hope that you gain some measure of comfort from my words although they are perhaps not what you wish to hear. I hope for the best for you and your lady friend.

[lauralied]

Heartbroken,

I'm so sorry hon. . .I thought at first you were my ex-boyfriend of many years (we are the same ages). . .

 

All I can say from the point of view of the "heartbreaker" is that people sometimes need space and time to realize if their earlier, long-term relationship was really the best for them or if they were just comfortable. Unfortunately you know of the person she is spending time with, and it hurts even more to know those details.

 

This new relationship may be all she needs to realize that you're a) the right guy for her after all, or b) that she needs to continue to see new people. You've been together for such a long time that I can't imagine her not missing many aspects of your relationship together. If she does want to get back with you, make sure she is ready and more importantly, think it over long and hard whether or not you are ready to take her back.

 

Girls (and I think guys as well) will take a mile when given an inch. . .if the significant other so allows. Make sure she realizes that you are not just waiting around for her to change her mind (even if in your heart of hearts you actually are).

 

Hope this helps a little bit..... in the meantime, take care of yourself, this is NOT the end of the world. But no one should underestimate how much it hurts.

[heartbroken23]

Thanks for the advice. I just have to hope everything works out and go on. Hopefully then she will miss me and realize something.

[heartbroken23]

anyone else with any insight...I really need to talk about it

[heartbroken23]

also, has anyone else been in a similar situation?? What happened with you? Thanks again!

[Genesis]

Yes, I was in your shoes at once. It is a hard battle to fight sometimes, and the answer for one person may not be the right one for another. I think your ex wants to date others right now, and she is in what many call the "Infatuation" stage with this other man. The one thing I do not like about relationships that begin during the ages of 19-26 or even older, is that one or both parties have not grown up yet. When you get into a long term relationship at such a young age, many question if this is the right person for them. They ask is this the perosn I wan to be with for the rest of my life. The biggest mistake I made was being in long term relationships at such a young age. After dating someone for 4 years, you would think that marriage is on her mind but, no she thinks she found someone new. At the age of 23 (which I am too) I can not think of marriage right now, maybe in 2-3 years. The reason a lot of relationships break up is b/c that "exciting" feeling is gone from the old relationships. That is why you see some men and women jumping from one relationship to the next. They do not realize that feelings change over time and the "exciting" feeling will not last forever.

 

I think your ex does not want to miss out on dating, being young, and free. It has nothing to do with you. Look at all the beautiful stars who get cheated on J.LO for example. It is her problem not yours. You are a great guy, and other women may be happy that you are now single! I think that you may get back together but you are going about it in the wrong way. You have to let her go, If you have asked her many times to come back to you, and she has not , then she will not come back until you have given her the space she wants. In my case, I did not try to get him back, but tried to move on. Then he came back. These relationships may or may not work out, so you have to have a backup plan ( not a new woman, but ways to cope from the break up). Many people cope with different ways, my peace came from my faith and worship in God, you may have a different way in coping. You come accross as being too pushy or what some call "needy". You have tried the flowers and poems so, know you must leave her alone now. We can not make people love us, or come up with a type of plan that will make the come back.

 

The only thing I can tell you is to try to move on, Try to heal. See where you can be a great mate to a future girlfriend. I would not call her anymore, or write her. YOu need space too. You have to do what is in your heart. For me the best thing for me to do was to try to heal and get over him. My ex did come back to me, but who knows for how long. Game playing can work , but you would want her to come back because she wants to, not because she wants an ego boost. If you want to hear the "formula" for getting a ex back here it is: Move on, be happy, enjoy life, and be positive even in your sad moments. They always want what they cannot have, and every one loves someone who is happy and in control of themselves. Do not call at all. The exs' likes to get back in contact in about 3-10 months when their "crush" is over. No contact, makes many ex's call or try to get back together. That is not always the case, and if your ex does not call you in 10 months or so, at least you know how she reallys feels.Use your time apart to get over her.

The first thing you should is to try to start your healing process, that is #1 in getting over a breakup. You have to stay strong and do not let her control you. You should do what you feel is right. If you want to call her, just do not do it very often. She may or may not come back , just do what you feel id right. Good Luck.

[ashleynicole]

Hey!

 

First of all I am sorry to hear what has happened to you. I can't say I know how you feel, because well I don't. It must be rough but that's what we're here for right

 

I am going to try and give you the best advice I possibly can, seeing as how I don't know what you are going through and that I've never been through this situation. I'll try.

 

Let me start off by saying it takes a lot out of a person to give someone they love "space."

 

L O V E is a small word but with a BIG meaning. So when someone find "true love" it's really hard to let go when things get rough. TO me, love comes with tons of happiness as well as lots of sadness. My mom always told me when I was little, "Sometimes it hurts to be happy." Which is true. Because a lot of people go through really rough times 'til they are genuinely happy, you see what I am saying?

 

I think if it is meant to be then it will be and thats great. But, if thats not the case you musent dwell on things you should've done different. That will cause nothing but more hurt and pain.

 

I'd say you give her some time, she may realize she made a mistake. If that is the case, you are going to gain something that you lost...your T R U S T for her right?

 

Maybe this point of view might help. Think of things in this perspective...

 

Would you rather of had her cheat on you? See she saved you of worse pain. Wouldn't you rather take a break then be cheated on? If Im not mistaken you would.

 

I hope you two can work this out. Love is a really good thing to experience in your life.

 

I hope I helped!

 

Best of luck

 

xoxoxoxo

 

-Me

[charmed]

Hey Heartbroken !

 

I haven't looked at the other responses - but heres my opinion.

 

Firstly, you need to ascertain whether she actually does have these feelings for this other guy or not. You are not going to be able to ask here straight out, cause she has already answered that for you and probably won't change her answer now. That will yield two results - she does or she doesn't.

 

If she doesn't like him as much as she is saying, and is simply attracted but not connected in the way that you would describe the connection you obviusly have for each other after 4 years. If she isn't, then if you want her ,which you seem to, then you need to back off with the depending attitude you are showing her. I agree that typically songs, poems, and the other nice things you do are great, but they might not serve you best in this particular situation. She may see a dependant almost manic side to you which under the circumstances will not come accross as attractive to her. What you want her to see is someone that she wants to be with - and you will have to be strong and show her that if that is what you are after. Otherwise, the more normal, less hassle free path will be her probable choice and you will be out of the game.

 

However, if she does really have feelings for this guy, then you should get out of there now. It's really that simple. You should not be thinking of hanging around like she suggested, because you should not be putting your life on hold waiting for her to maybe come back to you. Do yourself a favour and let her go if this is the situation because you will only destroy yourself thinking about this for and indefinate time.

 

Let me know what you think of this much, and then I'll try help you a bit more ! I myself had a breakup from a 4.5 year relationship at 23, and can see your situation too well. Please for your own sake, get yourself together - especially for your job - your kids depend on you to be happy and they will sense that in you. Be strong, and remember that during a time like this, the only one that will inevitably help you out of this is you - you have the solution within you, and you will solve this situation - the only thing is how long you are willing to let it continue !!! It really is that simple. Have a think about this - which one is she at? Does she really connect, or is it an excuse for something?

 

Hope this helps you some,

 

~Charmed~

[heartbroken23]

I know you are right...I have to let her go and just hope we reunite in the future. 4 years is such a along time to just to go and let someone go...its almost like she has died. I just hope that this is what I think it is...an infatuation, and hopefully iy will fade with this kid. I just love this girl so much...you know, you read my posts...thanks though

[Genesis]

The same thing happened to me.

 

He was in "lust" with someone else or the idea of being with someone else, he came crawling back. Maybe she will to.

[babushka]

hey heartbroken. i really feel for you. i've been there, and i know what i'm about to say is easier said than done, but it's doable.

 

she's been with you since she was 18 or something. you were her first. she's in university/college now -- she's going to feel tempted -- she's going to want to make sure she's not missing out on anything. if she suppresses that now, it'll come out later, maybe after you're married -- and that would really suck.

 

here's the hard part. let her go and live that stuff up. she has to sit down and talk to this guy and others. it's really really tough, i know, but man, the way she's thinking right now, she will only realize your true worth when she gets together with someone else and finds out after a few months that it can never match up to those 4 years. who knows, by the time she comes back to you, you might have someone else who appreciates you more.

 

dude, i say break it off with her before she does it with you. don't give her the satisfaction of being friends.

 

by the way, everyone says that the best way to get girls is to shower them with attention. however, the best way to get an ex BACK is to completely ignore them for a while. they'll stop taking you for granted.

 

she knows you still want her and she can come back to you anytime.

 

make her feel like that might not happen. if you can do anything to make her feel like you're really leaving, she'll feel like you feel right now and things might turn around.

 

good luck.

[heartbroken23]

I appreeciate it babuska. I know this is what i have to do. I am not going to call her ot anything. I will ignore her and make her feel lik eI am moving on. She even Instant messaged me and I really acted like I could care less if we talked...I think that caught her by surprise. Thanks for the insight