TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 But I want love, not lust. How do I keep it from being all about sex, even though we're very attracted to one another? I mean, I don't want to constantly talk about it either. I just want it to be about relationship building right now, getting to know eachother. We haven't done anything except kiss, but there is a lot of lust going on lol. I know that's good but I want that saved for later. Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Hey phrecklesrsexy- If you want to keep this relationship, I assume, not to be all about sex, then don't make it be so! You guys can create whatever relationship you want, that's the beauty of this. If you want to build a relationship aside from sex, then do so. You guys make your rules for your relationship...and it sounds like things are going well for you now so I wouldn't change anything... So how does your partner feel about this? Have you talked about it? Are you feeling pressure from them or the situation here and that is motivating you to ask this question? Do you fear sex will hurt your relationship, consume it perhaps? Questions to ponder I think... And another...what is your definition of love? Does it include sex/making love together? And does sex follow the love or does it help create it? Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 You say you don't want lust, and yet by you withholding sex, you are in effect creating a relationship mobilized and motivated by lust, i.e. "the chase". A real relationship happens to infuse both love and lust by incorporating sex, as well as intimacy. Link to comment
birdgirl Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 TheRedQueen, you make a lot of sense. But what about if you've only been dating for a few weeks? Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 Hey phrecklesrsexy- So how does your partner feel about this? Have you talked about it? Are you feeling pressure from them or the situation here and that is motivating you to ask this question? Do you fear sex will hurt your relationship, consume it perhaps? Questions to ponder I think... And another...what is your definition of love? Does it include sex/making love together? And does sex follow the love or does it help create it? Yes, I am feeling some pressure. From him. This started online and then we met in person. We talked for about two months before we met so he says we know eachother well enough. I say we need to know eachother a while in the flesh before going there. I do fear sex will consume the relationship and stop development in other areas. My definition of love does include sex/making love. But sex follows the love in my book. I see Red Queen's point - by withholding it, it creates a constant wondering of what would it be like, yada yada yada. But I am just not able to trust fully yet either, without knowing him more in the flesh. Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 I see Red Queen's point - by withholding it, it creates a constant wondering of what would it be like, yada yada yada. But I am just not able to trust fully yet either, without knowing him more in the flesh. I definitely think waiting generates an associated excitement and makes the act more special...especially if you both believe in it, the love, and the connection you share together vs. chasing the superficial pleasures in the act, having it satisfy what you perceive to be a need with such, or succumb to the perceived adoption of what society says "should happen". I think it is definitely good to save something, have something to look forward to together, like a gift to open together on your special day, or holding a pair of airline tickets to an exotic destination you both know you will take together and enjoy immensely. I guess having something to which to aspire in this sense makes the relationship more exciting. This is true if you are both on the same page with this I think. Even though you say you don't want to talk about it, it sounds like you need to communicate more about your feelings, your concerns, what you see happening. People have very different views on this topic and just because the natural tendency is dictating a different default path for you two towards an end here does not mean the relationship is necessarily bad, unhealthy, or doomed. I think you need more communication about this topic and reach a resolution that puts both your hearts and minds at ease... Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 This is true if you are both on the same page with this I think. Even though you say you don't want to talk about it, it sounds like you need to communicate more about your feelings, your concerns, what you see happening. People have very different views on this topic and just because the natural tendency is dictating a different default path for you two towards an end here does not mean the relationship is necessarily bad, unhealthy, or doomed. I think you need more communication about this topic and reach a resolution that puts both your hearts and minds at ease... I have very much communicated what I think about the topic in a variety of ways - how I think it would undermine efforts to get to know one another, how I think it can muddy the waters, how I don't feel safe enough yet to go there, how I really believe I need to be in love first, but yet how I also am excited about someday soon going there, etc. I've talked about what I think about sexuality, I'm a very good communicator, I like open and honest communication with not much left to the imagination. Yet I admit that I've been reluctant to tell him that his pressuring me or continually asking me about it makes me less trusting of him. At the same time, I don't want to insult the guy. He's done nothing wrong. For my part, I need to just let him know that and not be apologetic about my stance. Another factor in this is that my relationship choices in the past have not been that great. So I am also waiting because I want to make sure that I'm making a good choice here. In the past I have either hurried things along or allowed them to be hurried along. I don't want to do that anymore. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 By the way, when I say I don't want to talk about sex, I'm not saying I don't want to talk about philosophies about it, views on it, etc., I'm saying I don't want to get fixated on it - on the acts of it, the way it feels, etc. Know what I mean? Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 phreckles- You remind me a lot of me... So how is your communication both being received and understood and do his philosophies fit with yours? And you are right, he has done nothing wrong and neither have you. This does not preclude the possibility that you are wrong for each other though... Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 I've been in plenty "romantic" relationships, all of varying degrees in both love, and intimacy. And I've come to realize that sex is a piece/part of a relationship, and by no means is it the be all end all. Many women fear that once they have sex with their man, that their man will cease to have interest in them, and start to have more and more interest in their, well...vagina. And perhaps with some scumbags this may in fact be the case, but if you, (as a female) choose your mates well, fortunately for you, you won't have to deal with this feared problem. If a man feels you, and you in turn feel him, intimacy can and should be reached on as many levels as you both can achieve, i.e. emotionally, physically, intellectually, and if your into it I guess, spiritually as well. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Oh, and having freckles myself, I'd have to agree with you. They are sexy. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Another factor in this is that my relationship choices in the past have not been that great. So I am also waiting because I want to make sure that I'm making a good choice here. In the past I have either hurried things along or allowed them to be hurried along. I don't want to do that anymore. Woops, totally skipped over this critical piece of information. You're in effect instilling "Quality Control". Great idea, wait then, wait as long as *you* deem necessary. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 I've been in plenty "romantic" relationships, all of varying degrees in both love, and intimacy. And I've come to realize that sex is a piece/part of a relationship, and by no means is it the be all end all. Many women fear that once they have sex with their man, that their man will cease to have interest in them, and start to have more and more interest in their, well...vagina. And perhaps with some scumbags this may in fact be the case, but if you, (as a female) choose your mates well, fortunately for you, you won't have to deal with this feared problem. If a man feels you, and you in turn feel him, intimacy can and should be reached on as many levels as you both can achieve, i.e. emotionally, physically, intellectually, and if your into it I guess, spiritually as well. I think that one thing that's irritating me about this is that he is pestering me about it and not being too happy when I stand my ground. Well I guess he can have whatever feelings about it that he wants. I'm just not comfortable with that intimacy yet. I've never been frigid by any means and I'm not waiting for a ring, I'm just waiting for it to feel right for me. Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 I'm just not comfortable with that intimacy yet. I've never been frigid by any means and I'm not waiting for a ring, I'm just waiting for it to feel right for me. What other aspects of this relationship are you comfortable with? Is the relationship mostly good and fulfilling aside from this point? And let me present this to you. You say you have familiarity with patterns in your past relationships that you deemed to be negative. Making changes, even if they are positive changes, to this behavior will not and should not feel "right" to you immediately, as you are experiencing. What you know as feeling "right" is really "wrong" in your estimation. It will take time and experience for you to adjust what you feel and perceive to be "right" given your past history... And you are absolutely doing the "right" thing here. You seem to have a good clear perspective of this and are taking sensible action. And as an ancillary (or perhaps primary) benefit here, this situation will serve as a good test of what you have and/or could potentially have together on deeper levels. Keep doing what you're doing and how you're doing it. I think you just need to look past this one issue and more towards what it is saying about the fit you guys have together, feel OK about flexibility in going either way with that, and trust and believe in yourself more to these ends... Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 phreckles- You remind me a lot of me... So how is your communication both being received and understood and do his philosophies fit with yours? And you are right, he has done nothing wrong and neither have you. This does not preclude the possibility that you are wrong for each other though... How it's being received - he's not happy but says he'll be patient. Other than this, his philsophies on it do fit with mine. He's just a whole lot more comfortable jumping right in than I am. Yep, I know, we could be wrong for eachother. If so, I'll find out soon enough. If we are wrong for eachother, then I'd like to do my best to find that out before I sleep with him. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Ah, the whole oxytocin attachment-inducing hormone thing, (it's released in both sexes by the way). I seem to be relatively immune to its affects. But, you do you girl, and make your man wait. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 The relationship so far has been good on other levels. lol We've had one date together, we're very attracted, and we had a great time on our date. He was a gentleman, respected my boundaries in person, you name it. This weekend we are seeing eachother again. I'm excited about it. I like him. But I'm not 'in love' yet, though the potential is there, and I don't want to be sleeping with people I'm not in love with. He already has a monumental crush on me, I think he might actually have less experience with relationships than I do. I think that I will be able to make a decision about the fit in this relationship after this weekend and spending more time with him. One part of this might just be fear of trusting - my last boyfriend cheated several times - but whatever it is, I'm not going there until I'm darned well good and ready. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 One part of this might just be fear of trusting - my last boyfriend cheated several times . How long ago did that relationship end? Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 How long ago did that relationship end? Ten months ago. I have not dated since. So this is the first guy I have dated since the end of that one, which was a 1.75 year relationship. Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Now we are getting somewhere... You've had one date together! One date! For the love of God give this some more time sister! Of course you are not nor should you be in love with him or him in love with you yet. I was thinking you guys had been dating for a few months at least! The fact he has a huge crush on you is very telling as well. He is more likely to be overwhelmed by emotion and more likely to act on such emotion. Equally telling is the fact you were recently betrayed by a man in a relationship. Of course this will make you more "gun shy" in situations like this. And I think this is not such a bad thing. Perhaps this source of resistance is good for you... Again, I see good clarity and sense here on your part and I both like and agree with your philosophies about this topic. I suggest maybe you share what is being talked about here in this thread with him. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Yes, I am feeling some pressure. From him. This started online and then we met in person. We talked for about two months before we met so he says we know eachother well enough. I say we need to know eachother a while in the flesh before going there. I do fear sex will consume the relationship and stop development in other areas. My definition of love does include sex/making love. But sex follows the love in my book. I see Red Queen's point - by withholding it, it creates a constant wondering of what would it be like, yada yada yada. But I am just not able to trust fully yet either, without knowing him more in the flesh. The time you spent typing and talking is irrelevant to the time needed in person to get to know each other before having sex. Sounds like a line to me. Yuck. 1 Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Ten months ago. I have not dated since. So this is the first guy I have dated since the end of that one, which was a 1.75 year relationship. Gotcha! So I suggest you proceed, not so much with fear, but definitely with a fair amount of caution. Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Ten months ago. I have not dated since. So this is the first guy I have dated since the end of that one, which was a 1.75 year relationship. I also suggest you keep reminding yourself and believing that this new guy is not your ex. These are two different people, independent of each other. Try to give this new guy a fair shake; the actions of your ex are not his fault and he needn't feel detrimental effects to this end. And this separation won't come out of a hat like the proverbial rabbit. Just keep these truths in your mind as the relationship plays out... But again, one date, give it some time! You're considering taking off the training wheels and trading in the tricycle for a crotch rocket here at this point given both your history and the time you've known this guy. One date. Right now, you mostly have an idea of what could be based on an image that is being portrayed during this initial phase of the dating process. I would venture to say you don't really know this guy at all. More food for thought... Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 TheRedQueen, you make a lot of sense. But what about if you've only been dating for a few weeks? Well in this particular situation, I would tend to advice against rushing into sex, but I myself have engaged in sex quite early in a relationship that ended up spanning for almost two years. 1 Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 The time you spent typing and talking is irrelevant to the time needed in person to get to know each other before having sex. Sounds like a line to me. Yuck. Good point, sounds a bit manipulative to me... Link to comment
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