Scared of intoxicating her

[Boughs]

When i say intoxicating I mean... exposing her to new things.

 

Anywho, I just met this girl... we ended up having a crazy night the other night. I mean there was no sex, not even much of anything but just a lot of kissing and talking. Well we lead into the "what are you doing tomorrow" talk. Well, now I think we are headed in a "will we date" situation. Not that it is bad... but that....

 

she is innocent. She has never done any drugs, she has not had a boyfriend for longer than 2 months, and is a virgin. I have taken a few girls' virginities and to be honest... its very uncomfortable for me. I'm not so innocent of a guy... but I like this girl... but I don't want to change her.. but at the same time I don't want to change myself.

 

Do I tell her I'm a wild guy? or have her figure it out? I'm sure by the way I talk and by the way I've talked about things, she can presume that I'm a bit of a wild guy. she seems free-spirited... but I'm not entirely sure yet. I would date her if the question came up... but I'm afraid of hurting her... I don't know what she can stomach.

[Batya33]

I think you decide whether she is worth changing your behaviors for - not changing yourself - your core values - but your behaviors. I'm not sure what you mean by 'taking" someone's virginity - did someone "take" yours, too? If you feel you don't have compatible values and/or you do not choose to change your behaviors so that she is more comfortable being with you, then of course don't date her. I am 40, was active in the club scene starting at 14 and for over 10 years after that - I've never been drunk, never tried an illegal drug, was never promiscuous, and the men I met who wanted to date me valued my comfort level in taking things at a reasonable pace.

 

I do think if she asks whether you take illegal drugs/drink a lot you should be honest with her but if she doesn't ask you're not obligated to tell. The way you describe her sounds patronizing as in 'what she can stomach" - why not presume that she is bright and confident enough to take care of herself and if you truly think she is not, why would you want a relationship with someone like that - is the power dynamic that appealing to you?

 

And, ask yourself why it intrigues you that she is innocent - if it is because of the challenge of getting her to sleep with you then I would reevaluate whether that is a well-intentioned reason. If it is because it may inspire you to change your behavior and mellow out a bit then she might be a good influence.

[Boughs]

good point on the patronizing part... I think because she is younger than me, I have that view. But I know she is knowledgeable... and extremely intelligent (something I am not).

 

I do feel like i "took" those few girls' virginities. If they think i was the one to lose it to... they are crazy. Maybe she is looking for more adventure per-se. I guess that is what she'll end up seeing if that is what she wants. I think it will mellow me out... I'm an appeaser... I will make sure I'm not hurting her. But sometimes that just supresses it, and then later I explode. I suppose self control is something I need to learn.

[Batya33]

My question was - your first experience - did that woman "take' your virginity? Sorry, but you sound a bit self-absorbed on that one point - as if you "overpowered" a woman - are you saying they did not want to have sex with you? Or does it make you feel "macho" to put it that way?

 

It's not just about self-control - it's about the motivation to be in a caring relationship being stronger than the motivation to have some sort of "wild" image or the motivation of the challenge of being a "bad influence" on someone as opposed to having a healthy relationship.

 

Frankly, I find those types of "wild" ways kind of immature and boring - if you were using that type of energy to be a social activist, to have adventurous travel experiences, to compete for a job or a career that was highly challenging - that might be very interesting. Anyone can find multiple places to party, get drunk/stoned/be promiscuous or cause trouble - some people I suppose find it interesting to share war stories about how wasted the person was the night before, or how many bar fights they got involved in, or how many people they hooked up with - it's just my personal view but after about age 21 or so all those stories sounded the same and were mostly b-o-r-i-n-g.

 

In short, this woman, if as you describe is genuinely classy and intelligent might be a good influence on you if you are willing to put aside the macho image of "wild" you have. I was a good influence on someone like that many years ago - at times I felt it was more trouble than it was worth, but from hanging out with me, as well as growing up and maturing, and going to graduate school, he became a much more interesting and secure person - as well as physically healthy.

 

Just my personal opinion!

[Boughs]

Huh, macho. I don't think I have the macho attitude. But I understand what you are saying. Will I allow her to affect me or will I remain holding onto this image I've created and fell comfortable into. Well, to be honest, I don't consider myself high and mighty. I talk about "taking" their virginity, because well... its just general disdain after a breakup and one girl told me she was ashamed. So... perhaps thats an influence.

 

It was very unique for me last night, normally when I am with a girl over night, we end up having sex, but we moved slow... probably because I was not far gone at all. Plus I was into her beforehand.

 

I appreciate your words. I like it when someone is harsh and honest. I will consider this "macho" attitude. Figure out if that is what I want to be doing/heading into. I'm more wild than her... and I don't say that to have an "up" on her... its the truth. She is much more conservative all around.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you equate "wild" with something interesting and positive. Think about whether it continues to work for you to get wasted, sleep around and hang out with people who get wasted and sleep around. Maybe you need to be that way for awhile longer to get it out of your system, which is fine, as long as you are willing to accept the downside - that a woman who is more conservative may not want to be a part of that.

[Boughs]

I find someone who is rougher/crazier to be more attractive typically. Not like "LETS GO SMOKE ALL DAY LONG"... but like if ur just hanging around about to go to work, light up and kick it.

 

I had another night with her last night. It was nice, nothing much happened, just kissed and talked a bit. She seems adventurous ish (meaning she isn't a prude) which is attractive. Unashamed too... but at the same time kind of worries me. She seems really into me... I'm afraid of extreme attatchment.

 

Now I don't know if I should talk to her about what I'm afraid of happening, or just let her figure it out as we go along?

[Batya33]

If you have certain dealbreakers --like, she has to be willing to smoke pot, or be ok with you getting drunk a certain amount of times a monnth - then you probably should tell her that but if you are willing to be flexible then I would not bother.

[Boughs]

Ok so then i won't say anything.

 

Hmm. Guess I'll just let some more time, more talks fly by and see where this leads.

 

At this point I don't want a relationship... my mind may change.

[Batya33]

Of course it depends on what she asks about you and your intentions - then at that point you should be honest about not wanting a relationship right now so that if she does, she doesn't waste her time hanging out with you.