Blah.

[insofar]

I feel the need to just get some thoughts off my chest, so please excuse the somewhat "stream of consciousness" flow here.

 

Recently I've been on a bit of a downturn with my depression. I keep seeing and hearing about my friends and their happy relationships, and wish I could find someone to complement me... but that does not seem to be in the cards at the moment, and it's bringing me down a bit, as it brings me back to unbidden thoughts of my ex and what we had, something I know I'll never have with her again, and can't predict what I'll have in the future. And while the rational side of my brain sees and has planned out a decent future, I'm finishing off my current program, after which I'm going to be applying to two universities to get a degree in addition to my diploma... the other half of my brain looks at the future and sees darkness and loneliness. That side knows that depression breeds a negative attitude that, while I try to suppress it and control it, is probably pretty visible to anyone talking to me, and can't exactly have a good effect.

 

Thoughts of my ex... While they no longer control me and no longer have the hold over my emotions that they did two months ago, still occasionally surface in my mind when I'm alone. Wondering how I could have changed in her mind (or in reality), and what the ultimate reason for her falling out of love for me was. Hindsight isn't always 20/20.

 

I've reconnected with some old friends recently and we hang out every week or so, hopefully that should help on the social end of things. I just wish I didn't feel so damn lonely all the time. I know the prevailing knowledge here is that you need to be completely comfortable being alone before you should be with someone else. If only there were an easy way to do that... While I don't necessarily want to be with my ex in particular (there are some things hindsight does help with, and one is me seeing that we weren't very compatible), I very much miss the sort of relationship we had, having a partner to talk with and love that also loves me. The thinking comes to mind that this is the very definition of desperation... once again cycling around to not seeming very attractive to people.

 

Just blah.

[vesper]

well I enjoyed reading your post at least. you seem like you've healed and when you stop looking for it, it will find you.

 

take care

[Alabama]

Have you tried possibly socializing with other people to find someone, or maybe tried some dating sites? I'm sure you would have a good chance finding someone this way. Although it is a good idea to be comfortable with who you are as a person. Try exercise or some other way to raise your spirits. Working and school, can only help so much. It's best to enjoy being single for now, until someone new comes along.

[insofar]

Well, I'm trying to hang out with friends more often; as I mentioned I've reconnected with some old friends I hadn't seen in a couple of years and we're playing a pen and paper RPG every week or so (pretty new to me, but it seems interesting so far). I've also got a link removed on OkCupid which has garnered me some success (and interest) and one date so far. Working out would probably be a good thing too, though right now I feel like socializing more is probably what I need most. Some days are just down ones though, and when I posted that was certainly one of them.

[Alabama]

Glad to see your moving forward. Keep it up!