confused about guy, dating, and health issue

[afonselaca]

Okay. Two months have gone by and I haven't seen the guy I had been seeing exclusively back in Sept/Oct. We took it down to just casually seeing each other because I was upset that we weren't seeing each other very much and he may have felt I rejected him. Hard to say what happened on his side.

 

He said he is dealing with ulcerative colitis ?? Had tests done. Had to start meds last Oct around the time I got upset and our relationship dwindled.

 

Sad thing is that I think about him a lot. I wish I could get close to him again. I miss him but don't feel like I can come out and say I want to see him. I hate waiting for him to contact me. He isn't contacting me.

 

I guess it is over... but I need a few things back. I am sure if I go over to get my things we'll kiss because there is something between us although he won't let it develop.

 

I invited him to enjoy my cooking sometime soon but he hasn't attempted to arrange that. He did email a friendly reply on another topic, however, but that was one email in 4 weeks. Two phone calls, that I placed to him and he sounds just fine talking to me. Not mad or acting weird.

 

I guess this is over but he doesn't completely cut me off. I offered him the out at Christmas time and he wrote and told me he doesn't expect anything from me and what's the problem that I wouldn't want to see him again.

 

What to do? I get the idea he is curled up in a ball all weekend in pain. He won't talk to me about it.

 

Should I just go NC?

[Heretic]

I don't know for sure but something seems weird about this whole situation.

 

I do think that he could use some prodding, but not much more then what you're already doing. He sounds more like a friend in need then anything else. I don't think he wants to start a relationship as he's dealing with some issues.

 

However I'd be really careful either way but NC is not right for this situation I don't think.

 

That's all I've got sorry. I hope this helps.

[Scout]

Hi, I went back over your previous threads, and I can't say that I think something "weird" is going on. To me, it sounds like he did the rather classic dating move..."The Fade Out." This is what people do when they want to extricate themselves from a relationship without dealing with any confrontation.

 

It sucks, but I think you should accept the situation for what it is: it's over.

 

And based on your first thread about this guy, he doesn't sound like much of a catch, anyway, and nor does it seem like you two were even on the same wavelengths:

[afonselaca]

Yeah, scout. I have felt so twisted out of shape since I met him. Even though I have felt insecure about money, time together, intimacy, etc., I also see his insecurities shining through. He seemed afraid that I wouldn't like him at one point. He even said that maybe I won't like him eight months from now.

 

I have been thinking that if I put some time in there, like six months, then maybe I'll see it all differently. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. But I just can't see it objectively at all.

[Scout]

Well, trust me, I can see it objectively, LOL.

 

I think maybe a couple of things are going on here, things that are perfectly normal to feel. One, I think you're feeling the sting of rejection and taking it personally. For example, "Did he think I wasn't good enough for him?" And so if you could get him interested again, it would be a salve for your ego. Second, maybe you're also lonely right now, so you're hoping and looking for reasons this could work. I think the effort to try to make this happen would be wasted, and much better spent by putting yourself back into the dating scene and meeting other guys more suitable, more in tune with your values, beliefs, and way of looking at things.

 

Honestly, I think it's best to leave thoughts of this guy back in the past, in 2006. It's a brand new year ahead...use it to be happy, to meet people who are true kindred spirits...rather than try to pin a donkey's head on a fish's tail, which is what I think any further pursuing of this guy is akin to.

[afonselaca]

You hit it on the head.

 

I keep thinking, "how come he doesn't want me?"

 

Like I'm bewildered that he doesn't. Not that I'm all that, but I guess it is a process to feel the sting of rejection and live to tell about it.

 

Like he could do any better. Pul-leese LOL

 

kidding. I still miss him though.

[Scout]

I know how you feel, I've experienced it before, myself. Before I met my current boyfriend, I briefly dated someone that I felt we clicked pretty well. He did the Fade Out. And I obsessed over it for way too long.

 

One thing I finally figured out is that when people choose to end something with us, especially early on, it doesn't mean we're lacking in some way, not good enough for them. It just means that person is seeking a certain quality they don't see in us, or they see a quality in us they don't want. It is simply not possible for everyone to be gung ho on the idea of a permanent relationship with us.

 

And just because we don't have that quality, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. For example, the guy who did the Fade Out on me once asked me out of the blue, "Are you happy?" I replied, "Mmmnnn...I mean, I know I'm blessed, but I see so much pain and misery in the world, I can't be truly happy, not all the time, anyway. Are you happy?" His response was a firm, "YES, very much!!!"

 

Do you see where I'm going with this? My answer probably unsettled him, or turned him off in some way. Maybe his last girlfriend was a downer, and my answer struck him similarly. So maybe he wanted to hear me say, "Yes, I'm always happy, life's awesome!"

 

You just don't know what goes on in people's heads. Everyone has an idea of what they're looking for, and that can change. At the time you two met, maybe he had it in his head he was wanting some particular qualities, and didn't think you had them. It's more about them, not you.

 

The beauty of this, though, is that when we do meet true kindred spirits, it all just clicks. We feel comfortable, good...it just feels right with none of this anxiety and knotted stomachs, and wondering if we're going to screw things up somehow.

 

And you'll be more likely to meet a kindred spirit if you move on from this last guy. I know it's a bit easier said than done, but if you try to view it philosophically, don't take it as a personal rejection, and just get out there and immerse yourself in activities you enjoy and/or find personal meaning in, you will move on more quickly and also give yourself more likely opportunities to meet guys you have more in common with in many aspects.

 

It's also very important to understand that what you want in a guy is probably different from what you truly need. It may be you picked this last guy based on things you thought you wanted in a guy, but turns out aren't very compatible with your actual needs.

[afonselaca]

You are right about people and anxieties or no anxieties.

 

I had a boyfriend once who thought I was the princess of the earth. He did absolutely everything for me and treated me like royalty. Seriously sounds overboard but he was truly in love and expressed it many ways.

 

Unfortunately, he has become my yard stick. I have always put men up against him and the way he treated me.

 

This time around I was really trying to not compare, not expect. Hence, thinking no expectations would be good. In actuality "no expectations" meant something quite different to the current guy. The old perfect boyfriend had expectations. This one doesn't. Therein lies the difference.

[afonselaca]

Well, I feel much better today. I decided I didn't need to give him this Christmas present after all and returned it yesterday.

 

Plus he hasn't attempted to arrange to see me for dinner as I suggested.

No answer is his answer. That's it. I'm done.

 

Waiter, CHECK!

 

It is freeing. Is that a word?? LOL

[Scout]

Yes, it's a word! And a good one, at that. Because while you will definitely still experience some "waves" of feelings for a little while longer, you are indeed freeing yourself from holding on to the idea of something with this guy, who I honestly don't think was well-suited for you. I'm sure he had his good points, but I get the feeling he's not exactly all that deep.

 

So, what are your plans to inject some new vitality in your life? Any interests you want to pursue? Places you want to visit? Organizations you want to volunteer for? A new hobby you want to learn?

[afonselaca]

Scout, you are awesome!

 

I was thinking today that if I stripped away his car, house, shoes, money, etc. that I would be left with a shallow shell of a man. I don't know what we would talk about so I would have to give him back his shoes at least so we could admire them together.

 

He isn't cultured and has different taste in china patterns. Plus he doesn't appreciate Mozart... so THERE YOU HAVE IT. All the important reasons it would never work out. hahaha.

 

My hobby keeps me quite busy and I have started blogging my progress in learning new skills this year. I have a few friends posting on my blog already. Feels good to have virtual friends

My motto is, "Feel the fear... and do it anyway!"

 

Plus I am developing a new software project so no worries about professional growth or staying busy. I also chase two boys around LOL and workout. Whew.

 

I'm as excited as you are about making 2007 a fabu year.

 

Thanks for being my friend and helping me through this last hurdle!

[Scout]

What nice things you say - you made my night!

 

I am glad the below is your motto. 'Cause you know what? I think so many of us, myself included in the past, make a lot of our relationship decisions based on fear of being alone. If we really examined that fear, I mean if we put that little sucker under a microscope, I think we would be rather surprised to conclude that a lot of our fears aren't based on the reality of how things really are. We just need to believe in ourselves a little more, we need to believe that we can actually create happiness for ourselves. Of course we'll find true love one day, or rather, true love will find us. But isn't it a shame - a tragedy, really - that so many of us let the time go by before then waiting for that love, instead of creating happiness in the interim? It's so much easier to do than most of us give ourselves credit for!

 

But it sounds to me like you're on a very purposeful path in that direction, and it's wonderful news to hear.

 

My motto is, "Feel the fear... and do it anyway!"

[afonselaca]

I mean it, you are very appreciated

 

I don't think it is fear of being alone. I'm good at being alone.

For me it is fear of self disclosure. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of dependency. Fear of abandonment. Fear of rejection perhaps.

 

Fear of failure. Fear of success.

 

I think you could feasibly push and pull within your own psyche so much that you end up stagnating for fear of trying. That is a shame though.

 

I like what you say about creating happiness for ourselves. Positive affirmations and creative visualizations. Create a picture in your mind and make it so by attracting it to yourself through positive thinking.

 

It works. I'm sure that is why I am so happy at the core of my being. Too bad men suck occasionally LOL but that is life.

[afonselaca]

NOTE: this is just my thoughts added to this thread so I don't expect anyone to respond... I'm trying to sort it all out and writing it will help, I hope.

---

I still can't get him off my mind because of all the mixed signals, although I did get my jacket back.

 

We have been emailing each other quite a bit more than last month and were on good terms, even making innuendos and being flirty. I was starting to wonder if this was becoming an obsession for me, however, and decided to approach him eventually but I didn't mean to do it now.

 

I called the night before v-day and left a vm asking him to leave my jacket on his front porch so I could pick it up. I needed it the day after v-day for a meeting but really didn't want to be pressuring him into seeing me just because it was v-day.

 

He sent me a text msg that my jacket was in his truck. I didn't know what he intended to do with it so I called and asked him. He was unsure what time I was coming by so we talked about that a bit.

 

Then I had him on the line anyway and decided to tell him directly that I am still interested in him. I stated that I am risking rejection here but need to tell him because it makes me feel foolish to email like we still do having not see each other for 3 months and I wonder what we are doing. He responded that he is just so busy with his job and child and barely has time to ride (he is on match everyday... I met him on match) that's all. Just busy.

 

I asked him directly if he is interested in me still. He didn't give any discernable answer. I told him that we know each other well enough that we should be able to just get it out and talk about it. Still, he was evasive and I wasn't getting anywhere with him but he did comment on how dramatic I was being on Valentine's Day.

 

So, I got myphed and told him, "you know, you are a capable guy. If you want to pursue somethign then you know where to find me... please leave my jacket on the porch and I'll swing by to get it on my way to church. Thanks. Bye." I snapped in that moment and decided it was pointless, hopeless and over... again... finally. until...

 

He showed up in my driveway less than 1 hour later with my jacket. I went out and first thing out of his mouth is asking if I'm mad at him... I said, no, I'm just really busy. I couldn't see the point in rehashing the phone convo. We exchanged the last few things we needed to get back from one another and he joked that I could make a spreadsheet listing his movies for him. We laughed and it was slightly uncomfortable but no neither were angry or upset.

 

Then we just kind of looked at each other and it was that pivotal moment where it could have been a kiss but I (strangely enough) wasn't feeling it and my eyes dropped to the ground as I wondered whether I should jump through his truck window and kiss him or bolt.

 

I thanked him for coming by and turned to leave.

 

That was it.

 

I wasn't getting anywhere with him and it felt great to get it all out, finally, because I needed the roller coaster ride to end. I don't expect to hear from him.

 

But... here's the thing. I can't stop thinking about how he thought I was mad at him.

 

He seemed to have no idea how to respond to my romantic interest in him and I guess I put him on the spot. He seemed like he was unsure what to do but he didn't seem like he was trying to let me down or get rid of me.

 

Is it possible that he is clueless? If he felt I rejected him when I originally said we should break off for not seeing each other often enough (3 months ago...we were exclusively for 2 months)... then has he been thinking I should work for it all this time? I came right out and told him I like him, what more can I do?

 

Why did he look so concerned? Why did he look at me with desire? Why isn't he contacting me to work it out? Why didn't he get out of his damn truck?

Why did he care whether or not I was mad? How can he let me go?

 

Part of me thinks he wants to be with me, part of me thinks I'm overthinking it and it is definitely over. NC isn't helping yet ](*,)

[cristal]

Hi Alfonselaca,

 

I too was in a relationship that lasted 4 months. The chemistry was intense and when I asked for more, he disappeared. I still miss him.

 

I conclude from your post, that this guy is not really into you. It sucks when you like them and they do not return your feelings. When you told him that you like him and he gave you that look, I think it was because he did not feel the same about you and was somewhat surprised that you still harbored those feelings. And ditto for why he never came out of the truck to kiss you. He was low on urgency and desire.

 

If I were you, I would cease all contact and try to get over him. If he has a change of mind, he knows where to find you. Let him come to you. If he does not, at least you will be on the path to recovery.

 

I am applying everything that I said to you to my own life. It is the only was to preserve your dignity. It is depressing and painful as hell, but it is the only way.

 

Good luck!

[afonselaca]

Hi Cristal,

Thank you for writing to me. I have been going back and forth between sad and relieved and calm today.

 

He removed his dating profile from the various sites he was on. That can only mean one of three things, either he committed to someone, is thinking of me, or got tired of it. But, really, it doesn't matter what it means as far as I'm concerned because he hasn't contacted me.

 

Above all I feel empowered that I faced my fear of rejection and told him directly that I still feel it for him. When he looked at me that way it was an hour later after we had hung up. I told him all that over the phone, not in person. It is confusing because he looked at me in a loving way but didn't come out of the truck.

 

oh, well, like you said.... he knows how to find me.

 

I have been pushing the thoughts out of my mind all day. I won't give it anymore energy or time as SuperDave recommends. I've been doing taxes all day... that will take it out of anyone! hahaha.

 

thanks again and sorry to hear you had to go through this same experience. We are stronger for it, don't you think? I definitely have new boundaries around not allowing casual relationships in my future. It isn't for me. At least I faced it and learned a lesson or two.