I'm not OK, and I'm worried that I won't be!

[ebsmith1]

I know this is like the third post in the past few weeks about the same thing, but I feel very stuck in these feelings. It's been a little over four months since the breakup and I feel like I should be farther than I am. My therapist says I'm doing well, but I don't feel like I am. In my head I know that he's not coming back, that I shouldn't want him back, that I deserve better, blah blah blah! But I still cannot convince myself that he's not going to snap out of it, go to therapy and come back to me ready to get married like we'd planned. He's with someone else for crying out loud, you'd think that would be enough for me to get it you know? But its not! I can't shake this feeling that we were meant to be and that it's still going to happen! I'm doing OK in that I don't cry much anymore, there's a lot I can do now without getting sad, but there is still so much I have in front of me. Summer's were so much fun for us and I have that ahead of me as well as what would have been our wedding day. I can't bring myself to get rid of my dress or his wedding ring, because some part of me still thinks its going to happen. How do I get through this?

[Pisces_Princess]

I know how this feels.

 

I was broken up with in October. The man I was living with just simply did not want the relationship to continue.

 

I was so crushed I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.

 

I am in therapy and working through some of the issues I have. I have just found a new apartment and everyone around me thinks I am moving forwards... BUT... I would still go back if he asked (and I know he won't). I am sort of living in hope that he will.

 

I know how it is to feel trapped in a feeling and that really all the hard work I have put in to healing would be gone in a moment if he said "come home".

 

I think a lot of people feel like this, they just have to get on with things and hope that the pain subsides x

[honeyspur]

The reason you aren't feeling better is because you aren't choosing it.

For some reason, you feel a level of comfort by being in this turmoil.

Although I understand why you are upset, my hunch is you are getting some kind of benefit from this.

Maybe it's keeping you from changing your life and environment - the real fear. Maybe you have always had difficulty letting go and this is just another rung on the long ladder of lost loved ones - a habit.

Maybe you feel little sympathy or support from others and you stay in this loop to receive the amount of care you need.

Maybe you made a huge mistake in this relationship and you are afraid to tackle it - because you don't know what things will be like if you change.

 

Any time we are stuck, we are avoiding something important and only you know what it can be because it's your life. That's why therapy only goes so far. It is a useful tool, but we can choose to ignore what others say - we rarely can ignore our own truth.

 

Allow yourself to write out these things. If you don't have a journal - this is a good reason to start.

And, as always, your past and upbringing dictate the way you live and feel today. Do not underestimate how much power the way you were raised and the things you went through in adolescence have over you. Maybe you have old issues with that, which you haven't resolved - resulting in this cycle.

 

Good luck and don't worry if you repeat yourself on here every week. That is what we are here for.

[ebsmith1]

The reason you aren't feeling better is because you aren't choosing it.

For some reason, you feel a level of comfort by being in this turmoil.

Although I understand why you are upset, my hunch is you are getting some kind of benefit from this.

Maybe it's keeping you from changing your life and environment - the real fear. Maybe you have always had difficulty letting go and this is just another rung on the long ladder of lost loved ones - a habit.

Maybe you feel little sympathy or support from others and you stay in this loop to receive the amount of care you need.

Maybe you made a huge mistake in this relationship and you are afraid to tackle it - because you don't know what things will be like if you change.

 

Maybe you're right....but I'm not sure where. I'm not talking about how I feel to anyone but my therapist anymore. People think I should be over it by now, so I'm just not talking about it to anyone else. I'm exercising and tackling things I should have before to try and change my environment. I don't know about the letting go part. I've only had two serious relationships, this ex and my ex-husband. I had no problems letting go of my ex-husband because I wasn't in love with him anymore. The only mistake I made in this relationship is trusting the man I love. I trusted that he loved me and that when he said he wanted to marry me that it was the truth. I trusted him when he put the ring on my finger and I trusted him until we broke up. So maybe that's it, I'm hanging on because I can't believe that someone could lie so much to someone and for so long and so convincingly. I don't know what it is. I wish I did, I wish I knew how to choose to stop this. I hope I figure it out soon!

[meantime]

ebsmith1 give yourself a break, you were going to be married you have the dress the ring...it takes a good long while for the heart to catch up with the head. In my opinion you are thinking what any woman in your position would be thinking. It is so painful and there is no way around all those thoughts you are having. I just read a book about therapy, it is solution based therapy, it would suggest you stop fighting these thoughts and allow them in, take time everyday and go over all of it, think about what might have been, lean into it, and for heaven's sake, you have a right to everything that you think about, they are your thoughts, it was your heart that was/is broken. You have to know there is no cure but time. You can be sad you just can't stay there. You have every right to mourn your loss.

[christy1002]

eb....Just want to encourage you to keep pressing forward! We all heal in different timing. I think it's great you've stuck with a therapist. The thing that helps me SO much (as PP said) is writing things down. Keeping a journal has made a world of difference. It's only natural to mourn the "loss of our dream", I had a post on that yesterday and got some great advice here about that. Take it easy on yourself....there are BRIGHTER days ahead....

[ebsmith1]

You know I think maybe it's guilt. He has some serious personality issues and I think he's on the verge of hitting rock bottom where its all concerned. He hurts people over and over in some quest to find this perfect life he thinks he can have. When we broke up he told me he thought he needed therapy and that he was very depressed. I believe that to be true and I promised him that I wouldn't give up on him and that I'd let him have space and do whatever he needed. Well I think he did a lot of what he did to ease his own guilt and some of it was the truth and some of it is this world that only he lives in where things make sense to him, but only to him. So I guess what I'm saying is that while I'm not making excuses for his behavior or his lying, I feel guilty for "giving up". I feel guilty for just saying that he used me or that it was all a lie or that he's just not the man I thought he was. I know that he can't/won't be the man I deserve, but I feel guilty for giving up on someone I love. I don't know if any of what I wrote makes sense, but that's just where I am with it.

[honeyspur]

Maybe you're right....but I'm not sure where. I'm not talking about how I feel to anyone but my therapist anymore. People think I should be over it by now, so I'm just not talking about it to anyone else.

 

This is more important than you might think. As others here have said, you were in a very serious position when things ended. There is no way to dictate when you are "over" it. So any friends that tell you otherwise are saying the only thing they CAN say because they aren't going through what you are. There's nothing else they really can tell you.

But you could say to them, "I don't really need any advice - I just need to vent." and it should be ok.

 

You might not need advice, you know. Just a voice that you feel like you are losing. Friends are great, but you do have to be specific sometimes about what you need from them.

 

Choosing to let go is, unbeleivably, extremely simple. Which only indicates you are not ready yet and you need to quit beating yourself up over it.

I know you say you want to stop - but that can't be true, or you would.

We don't do things that don't have a benefit.

Again, consider the amount of care and comfort your broken heart needs - maybe more than you realized.

[Lady Bugg]

EB...I agree mostly with Honeyspurs advice.

I think it's easy to get stuck in the sadness, and in the wallowing of our

pain..because at least we KNOW what to expect. Letting go of a dream is

hard....EXTREMELY hard, but it's possible.

I really think you're being too hard on yourself too. You dated this man for three years, he proposed to you...and then broke it off, only to end up with someone else right away...OUCH!!!! Who WOULDN'T be devastated?? Four months is NOT a very long time to emotionally heal from this kind of thing. Some people NEVER get over this kind of betrayal. Stop setting a time limit for your grief. No one...but YOU is keeping track of the days that you think of him, or cry.......and if anyone is, that's THEIR issue, and you're better off NOT being around them.

 

Remember..IT IS OK TO FEEL WHAT YOU'RE FEELING AS LONG AS YOU NEED TO!!!!

 

I wish you luck....

[ebsmith1]

Thank you all for your kind words. I think I just need more time. I thought I was ready to date, but I really don't think that I am. There is still just too much pain and too much hope. I guess I just need to let it all come and work through it as it does. The people who are really close to me understand that I am not over it and while they are supportive, I think they are tired of hearing it. I'm going to just keep powering through. The past few weeks I've been very tempted to contact him, so I've spent more time thinking about the whole thing to convince myself not to do it. I guess I also have this feeling of desperation. Like he's already with someone new and I'm alone and might always be alone. I know that's not rational, and in a sense I'm better off because I'm working through it and he's just rebounding, but it still hurts to think of him with her when I feel like it should be me. Thanks for listening to all my rants here.

[Wimpy]

I really think you're being too hard on yourself too. You dated this man for three years, he proposed to you...and then broke it off, only to end up with someone else right away...OUCH!!!! Who WOULDN'T be devastated?? Four months is NOT a very long time to emotionally heal from this kind of thing. Some people NEVER get over this kind of betrayal. Stop setting a time limit for your grief. No one...but YOU is keeping track of the days that you think of him, or cry.......and if anyone is, that's THEIR issue, and you're better off NOT being around them.

 

Remember..IT IS OK TO FEEL WHAT YOU'RE FEELING AS LONG AS YOU NEED TO!!!!

 

Couldn't agree more. Anyone who tells you after four months "you should be over it" doesn't know what they are talking about.

 

It took me ages and ages to stop thinking that "he'd come to his senses and realise what he'd done"....sad thing is that nearly 2 years on he didn't. I, on the other hand, came to mine and realised what a loser he was. I didn't have the added insult of him immediately taking up with someone else. You are being WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too hard on yourself.

 

I also don't agree with other posters who say you're doing this to yourself because of some "benefit" - that's unfair.

 

It takes a long long time to get over that kind of betrayal - you are doing what you need to do to get through it.

 

For me it took 6 months before I began to see light at the end of the tunnel and a full year before I began to feel better.

 

Give yourself a break and don't worry - you will get through it - the hard part is that you can't hit fast-forward and believe me I wanted to myself.

 

Keep strong

[longhaircats]

eb,

 

I am going through a similar situation, and I understand about the guilt you are feeling. We were never engaged, but he told me several times that I was the "one" and he wanted to spend rest of his life with me. He made me believe I was his special woman. I felt guilty to give up on us, and always blamed myself "I wish I tried harder to make it work". But he is with someone else now and they are already living together. He had lots of issues and he told me he would work on himself, but he never did. He jumped into a new relationship.

 

These people cannot tolerate emotional pain, and they try to ease their pain by using other people. We are not a doctor and we can not rescue them. So don't blame yourself. Let go of the guilt and be extremely nice to myself. You are a good person and it is always the one who is unselfish gets hurt.

 

We will get through this. Hang in there.

[ebsmith1]

My ex is living with his girl too. The sad thing is, I know he's going to do the same thing to her. He cannot commit. Maybe that's why I feel so bad, I know he's eventually going to end up alone, or finally commit and be miserable because he's never done what he should. I'm also bracing myself for the things I still need to get through. He does announcing for a local baseball team and that was something we went too together every summer. We'd talk about the lineups and I keep thinking "but she doesn't know any of this stuff, he should be talking about it with me!" plus we were supposed to get married in May and I am just praying that by then the day won't hurt so much. It's doubly hard for me because even though I've explained it to my children (not his kids by the way) they still miss him and ask for him sometimes. My youngest (he's four) told me the other day "I know Karl's not coming back....but when he does, you guys are going to get married and he'll live with us again." What do I say to that when that's what I want the most, but know it's not going to happen?

[longhaircats]

eb,

 

Do you really want to be with a man who most likely give you hell of the rollercoaster ride? Would it be better to have a nice, healthy mind man to be your children's father in a long run? I'm 37 but I don't want to give up on meeting someone better. You deserve so much better.

[ebsmith1]

Well my kids already have a good father, so I'm not worried about that. Yes, I do want someone better and I haven't given up on that....but that doesn't make this pain go away.

[longhaircats]

Hey, I know, I am in pain too. I was pressuring myself for a while to move on. It's been 7 months since he moved out, and 4 months since we really ended. But you know what? It takes time to heal, and am not pressuring myself anymore. Be kind to yourself. You are doing good.