Best friend from afar, but cold and silent in person

[therealshrek]

I've had this friend for about 7-8 years now. The first year I knew her, she was always depressed/angry at the world, and it was a huge strain on our friendship, but I dealt with it cuz deep down, she was really great to talk with. About the second year, she started to lighten up, but went a bit crazy with the drinking/partying/drugs for about two years, then settled down and got serious with school. She is beyond smart... she is studying to be a bio-chemist (or something along those lines) and is only like a couple months away from obtaining her Masters.

 

We live 3 hours away from each other, but keep in contact through phone and email. There will be weeks that I don't hear from her, then out of nowhere she will send me a 2-3 page letter in the mail telling me how much she misses me and how great of a friend I am and she loves me more than anyone else. She'll go on saying that she doesn't know how she could make it if we weren't friends, etc. Sometimes she will email me a long letter as well, telling me the same stuff as in the above mentioned letters. I always write back, letting her know that I feel the same way. We also chat through myspace, and she tends to leave me very thoughtful comments in spurts of a couple days, then disappears from myspace for a week or two.

 

But when we do hang out in person, she is very straight-faced and unemotional/expressionless. She acts and talks as if she is bored with me. When shes up in my neck of the woods, she never calls to hang out. When we are both back in our hometown at the same time, she will email me a couple days before and let me know that she cant wait to see me/hang out and all that jazz, but then when I get to town and call her, she wont pick up my calls or return them. When I stop by her parents' house, no one is there or just her siblings are and they say she's gone. Even if we make plans, like set up the place and time, she still flakes out. Ive been stood up by her several times.

 

If I do grab a chance to hang out with her, like I mentioned, she acts like she is bored with me. I'll start up conversations, ask her questions about school, work, anything, and she just has one word replies. We share a group of the same friends and when we all hang out together, she livens up a bit, but then gets bored again and will cling to me the entire time. If I go to use the bathroom, she panics and asks me where I'm going and if she can go with me. She'll even sometimes stand outside the bathroom door waiting for me. Its a bit odd. And she only likes hanging out for a short period of time, like for 2-3 hours, then she says she needs to get home for some reason and darts away.

 

Then a couple days after hanging out, she'll email me about how much she misses me and the such. Then I don't hear from her for 1-2 weeks.

 

I don't really understand this. I consider her one of my closest friends, and apparently she feels the same way through her letters and emails, but in person, she is just very expressionless and always bored with me. Anybody ever experience this before? It hurts a bit because she is just a great friend through emails and letters, but in person, she acts like I am boring, and it makes me think that maybe her words in those letters and emails are BS.

 

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello therealshrek,

 

This one is kind of tough. It's hard to get a grasp on the situation when you are getting such mixed signals.

 

On one hand, it sounds like she just want's to be "friends", and is trying to keep you at a distance so nothing romantic can develope. ie: she doesn't want to lead you on. On the other... she might really like you and want your relationship to go further and is stymied on how to go about this, maybe she is nervous and falls short of communicating this to you in person.

 

I think the only way for you to figure it out, is to get more information.

 

I would voice my concerns and observations. (Through e-mail because that is where it seems she can communicate more at ease.)

 

Tell her you are puzzled by the hot and cold attitude. I don't think it would ruin your friendship or anything, if that's all it was to be.

 

Start it: "I really enjoy our friendship, but I am puzzled, because you seem detached sometimes, is there something on your mind... maybe I can help..."

 

Maybe it is just happenstance, and she has something outside your friendship that is bothering her at these times.

 

If you can't bring yourself to do this, then you will have to remain perplexed or wait until, by sheer chance something reveals it to you.

 

I don't think it would harm the friendship you have. From your end you are being concerned, and that's what a friend is for. It might bring you beyond frienship.

 

I think in the long run it is worth the risk.

 

Good luck man, I hope you can find some peace of mind here.

 

Jeff

[daisy duke]

Usually those real smart people are quite moody and very quiet, it seems to me like she wants to be your friend, maybe she has a complex out in public.

[Burning_Down]

I have a friend who's a lot like that. She's not really that comfortable out in crowds and sometimes gets a bit panicky and wants to go home straight away. I think she lacks a lot of confidence amongst other issues. We'd talk online a lot because she lives through her computer and she'd be hot and cold just like in your story.

 

I actually asked her a couple of years ago if there was anything the matter during one of her cold periods and it resulted in a big argument and us not speaking for about 9 months. Then we gradually got talking again and got back to the way things were. There never really was an answer. I think she felt that I was being too clingy whereas I thought I was just being concerned for a friend.

 

I guess that's not very helpful except to show it's not a unique situation you're in.

[therealshrek]

I would voice my concerns and observations. (Through e-mail because that is where it seems she can communicate more at ease.)

 

Tell her you are puzzled by the hot and cold attitude. I don't think it would ruin your friendship or anything, if that's all it was to be.

 

Start it: "I really enjoy our friendship, but I am puzzled, because you seem detached sometimes, is there something on your mind... maybe I can help..."

I actually did approach her about it about three years ago and she ended up shutting herself away to me for several months, not giving me an answer about anything. We didn't talk or socialize during that period... she finally came around one day and apologized for pulling away from me and acting childish. she said she had pushed me away because she felt I was too clingy but looked back on it and said it was foolish thinking. I asked her about it again about 6 months ago, why she is so loving through email and cold in person, and she said its because she is so stressed with school. Yet, in photos she has online, she makes time to hang with her friends from class and looks really happy to be with them.

 

 

I actually asked her a couple of years ago if there was anything the matter during one of her cold periods and it resulted in a big argument and us not speaking for about 9 months. Then we gradually got talking again and got back to the way things were. There never really was an answer. I think she felt that I was being too clingy whereas I thought I was just being concerned for a friend.

 

I guess that's not very helpful except to show it's not a unique situation you're in.

thats exactly what happened to me as well, as I mentioned above. so you never got an answer? hmmm darn...

 

thank you all for your helpful posts

 

oh and btw, I went back to our hometown this weekend and she was in town as well. she txt msged me that we should hang out... but i never got a reply after that and she didnt pick up my calls.

[therealshrek]

kinda bringing this back from the dead cuz I got a message from her yesterday:

 

"I love you...you are my greatest friend..im not sure ive ever had a friend that would classify in the same ranks as you. I know im a flake..i know im elusive....i sometime tend to use drunkeness as an excuse, but i would never deny that i have had someone i could care as much about as you. im cold..idont show emotion as should...but as a friend you should know that. i guess what im saying is the next few years are gonna be hard but i still want them to include you."

 

I dunno, it was flattering