9 months in, more hard work?

[weePi]

Hi from a new poster here.

 

I have been with my current boyfriend for nearly 9 months now, we met via an online forum.

 

He is great as far as emotion is concerned. Very attentive, caring, great lover, treats me like a princes, trusts us, committed, being adventure in the bedroom department and willing to work things out when we have problems.

 

But (there always a but), as usual, the more time you spend together, the more bad habbits or things that you find annoying. Some of these are contradict to my beliefs(not religious beliefs) and some are minors habbits that I can bypass.

 

I am really concerned about my commitment towards us. There are times I even thought of "Oh, just finish it off, I deserve better!" but I could be under the influence of my temper(when we are arguing) and not thinking straight... If I am really into him, surely those things shouldn't worry me, should they? I shouldn't have had any doubts in us in the first place!?!

Ok, lets say, I am being paranoid. I want to work things out, I want to talk to him about *Him being him* that I am annoyed about, like we solve any problems so far. However, how do I bring that to his attention?? How does a loving girlfriend start a conversation about her doubting herself on the relationship??? about things that she finds off-putting?

His issues can be summarised as:

 

1) Laziness - I suggested try to being a little organised, it makes running household chores easier. He has made progress but there seem to be more he needs to do.

2) Forgetful - I know you cant help to be forgetful, so I gave him some post-it, but he doesn't make use of it. Sometimes I get the impression that he even too lazy to try to remember stuff!

3) Hygiene - I am concerned about the hygiene of his house in general

4) Finance/career - he doesn't own or has any intention of owning anything or a full time job, or to even start having some sort of savings. No plan for the future(I don't mean for us, but for himself, even!).

5) Value of things - I could get emotionally attached to some material stuff, he seems them as just 'object'. Break a cup people gave you as a birthday present, his reaction is: don't worry, just get a new one!

6) Reliable - He has let me down on something he said he would do but seemed to take ages until he finally got down on doing it. Usually when it is near to deadlines. It took him about 7 weeks to finally did the STDs test! It doesn't seem to bother him that 'things dont get done'. I find myself become less and less rely on him and trust him to do things that need serious attention.

 

He also sees 'fixing things' as normal. Doesn't see the point of 'if you do it properly in the first place, there is no need to fix'.

 

Don't get me wrong, I would have talked to him about all the issues before now, just that if I did, I feel that I am trying to CHANGE HIM, turn him into the ideal man! Whereas I shouldn't see a relationship being a *project*! I am not here to help him. If he acts like this and it annoys me, just means that we are not compatible enough to be together, not that he should tick all my boxes!

 

Another thing is, he seems to be very happy about me, for who I am. How do we find the compromise? I am willing to change something about me, for us, but I can't!

 

I dont know what to do. On one hand, I feel bad for being so picky and feeling that 'he isn't good enough for me' even though, intimately, he is a very loving boyfriend, for me.

 

I don't want him to change completely, him being spontanous, flexible, absent-minded and non-money driven were the things that attracted me to him to start with. It just didn't hit me they bother me now...

 

Any help appreciated. Thanks.

 

](*,)

[Honey Pumpkin]

Ouch, not good. I want to say that one of my close male friends had a girlfriend who was a bit like you - she didn't like a lot of his traits. I personally felt horrible for him, it was like he didn't come up to scratch. I don't think you can change someone with a checklist like you describe. Some of it is reasonable, I think, some of it just isn't. Maybe you have to accept you're incompatible? I am seeing someone who thinks I am marvellous just the way I am - it's a wonderful feeling, you know. I couldn't cope with someone picking at my flaws, when really they are a different way of looking at things.

 

For example, I too don't have any attachment to material things. I just don't - I never have done. I would hate someone to tell me that I should change that, rather than valuing the fact that I try to cherish the people I care about, rather than things.

 

Sorry, I just feel it's not a healthy way to be with someone. I like being accepted rather than seen as someone who would 'do' if only I could change.

[Momene]

You don't mention his age. If he's under 25 he might grow out of it.

[weePi]

No, I don't feel great either. It is horrible to feel this way towards someone that you do care about but cannot accept MOST if not all of them!

 

I don't know how I could change my view and feelings towards these things either or how to learn to accept them?!?! I try, and try to accept but things like domestic issues make me wonder about the future, how possibly could we live in the same house long term?!? Would there be just loads of arguments about cleaning, day in day out??? Depressing.... :sad:

 

We had a brief chat last night, straight after me posted. As I don't feel it would be fair if "we are not being compatable" being an excuse for not even try to work things out. The relationship belong to both of us, so he deserves a CHANCE to CONTRIBUTE towards any DECISION regards to any issues arise in this relationship...

 

I am showing him this post at the weekend, we prefer things written down-clearer to work through, hope that we can work something out.

 

Thanks for your post, appreciated greatly.

[weePi]

You don't mention his age. If he's under 25 he might grow out of it.

... that's the thing, it's actually half way to 31, a lot of the behaviours have already "matured"..........

 

However, we do notice changes in him in the past few months. He started to be more organised, cleans more often for example. We have had various mini-talk about few hygiene issues. They weren't just me diggin on him, he asked why it was important FOR ME if HIS house is dirty, I explained, he requested clarity, explained, discussed, he then understands my intention and my view. When I noticed him doing little things, he said that he isn't doing them just FOR ME, he now SEES, appreciates my view and he agrees with me entirely now that some part of the house is cleaner, he does feel the difference!!!

 

So, do you think there is hope in US??