need advice, totally confused

[_Jonesy_]

okay so i'm new and i have a major problem that i'm not sure what to do about it. it's kind of a long story but i'll try and keep it quick.

 

about 3 months ago my best mate told me he was gay, which was fine, cus i don't have a problem with it. he hasn't told anyone else yet so i'm the only one that knows. we're still best mates.

 

so a few weeks ago we both got way way drunk at my house and i was telling about what me and this girl did at a party and while i was telling him i kinda got a semi on and basically he told me to keep my eyes closed and put his hand down my pants and well, like finished me off i guess. and then after, he kissed me on the mouth and said it could be our secret. i avoided him for a while cus i sorta flipped out about it and got way confused but then we spoke and kinda sorted it out and both agreed to totally foget about it but then last night he said he couldn't forget about it and that he wanted to do it again and that he wanted to give me a bj. he said that all i needed to do was watch a porno or something to get myself turned on and then keep my eyes closed and pretend it was a girl doing it but im not really sure about it. I mean, i know i'm straight and he knows i'm straight and i kinda think it'sa way bad idea but he's my best mate and he's going through a rough time with it all. i asked him how doing that gives him any pleasure and he said he was really turned on the last time. i told him that when he looks at me like that it makes me uncormfortable and he said i should stop parading around half naked in front of him but its kinda difficult cus we have the same games lessons and football practice and all that. and i know if i let him do it it doesn;t mean i'm gay really....or does it? arrghhhh...i dunno...i need some advice.

[blender]

SEX like this, will only lead to your loss of the sense of YOURSELF.. that is NEVER worth it, have some standards/values which you choose to live within, no matter what the circumstances are.. this choice of behavior on YOUR part is going to lead to you feeling a sense of emptiness.. you will be sad, confused, and will need a whole lot of therapy to recover. Set a boundary, and do NOT be tempted to indulge in your "urges" or HIS.. YUK, and by the way I'd be giving you the exact same advice if it were a "girl" whom you were considering doing this no emotions, no responsiblity, no love, type of physical gratification.. it's time to grow up, set some values and standards for YOURSELF...

 

It's important to take the time in life to discover who you are, and what you stand for, as you grow up, this type of behavior should only be based on long term values, and your sense of self... do NOT compromise this for a circumstance you are choosing to be weak in.. you will not feel good about yourself in the long run.. that is too big a compromise to make..

[_Jonesy_]

so if i say no and he wont take no for an answer what do i do? cut him off and not be mates with him anymore? i dont wanna not be mates with him and people will ask why we arent mates anymore and what am i supposed to say? he wants to keep it a secret cus he doesnt want people taking the mick out him. and does it mean that i can't get drunk with him anymore in case he tries it on and i'm too drunk to not care? this situation is just crap. why did he have to tell me he was gay? does he fancy me? or just wanna get some action? I dunno what's worse. this whole thing is majorly bad and confusing.

[vermilion]

He probably has feelings for you and thinks doing this will make you have feelings for him.

 

I don't think you should stop being friends with him.

 

And I don't think there's anything wrong with you liking what he did to you- it doesn't mean you're gay.

 

But if anything makes you uncomfortable tell him NOT to do it clearly. And if you don't trust him, don't get drunk around him.

[blender]

If you say "no".. and he does not respect this decision, then you should NOT be friends with him, REAL friends respect the choices we make regarding our own selves, bodies, and values. Maybe you need to ask yourself who you "really" are and who you "wish" to become.. before you agree to engage is something that is simply the path of least resistance... that path leads to a lonely, sad place most of the time...

[_Jonesy_]

i'm gonna tell him no and that he needs to stop talking about it otherwise we can't hang out anymore. that's okay to do that aint it?

[_Jonesy_]

i texted him and told him and he just texted back that he'd wait because he thinks i'm like him but i don't know it yet. is he just trying to mess with my head? or does he really think that? and does the fact that i even considered it mean that maybe i am?

[cranbers]

Keep in mind your 15 and all these confusing times are normal. He is prob not really gay, but is very confused. but you never know. I have known people to be gay for 10 years, then they merry the opposite sex. So its a phase thing I think. I would suggest telling him you do not feel comfortable and you are not interested in doing thigns like that anymore with him. One thing I noticed about people who are into the same sex, they are typically much more open and aggresive and its usually only sexual in nature. Unlike a female male relationship which seems to be more conservative and cautious in comparison.

 

the other benefit is that, a sleep over with a same sex friend is ok to your parents. So that is a benefit in itself haha.

 

I am a male and when I was pre teen to my early teens me and a guy friend of mine fooled around giving each other bj's and kiss etc. I am not gay and the thought of being with a man now is discusting to me. I guess just like most women I was experimenting. Only with him, I didn't get anything out of it, and being with a women feels oh so right and is where I want to be.

[cranbers]

Do this, watch male gay porn. Now watch a male on female porno. See which one gets you off. If both of them do, then maybe your bi sexual, if the gay one does, then your gay so that might be a good indicator. Everyone likes to be pleasured. the fact it came from a man and you liked it doesn't mean your gay, but an opportunist. I think it all depends on how you feel returning the favor. I personally didn't mind receiving but giving wasn't all that fun and i was pretty grossed out.

[_Jonesy_]

this is way too confusing. so even though he said he's gay he might not be? but then again he might be and might fancy me? and now he thinks that i'm gay but that i don't know yet so eventually i'll give in.

 

think i'm just gonna avoid him for a while.

 

edit - i wouldnt wanna do it to him. not anything.

[blender]

Well, one thing is for sure, you can not avoid YOURSELF... YOU will feel better if you stand for some values/standards,

 

Your first post seemed like this was a "problem" this was a "mistake" that happened, you didn't feel good about yourself afterwards, then the wise knowing thing is to not repeat this again..

 

Take a respectful kindly stand and kindly tell him, even if he were a girl (who you weren't absolutely SURE about) that you tell her the same thing, that this is not the kind of unemotional, JUST PERSONAL gratification physical activity you will feel "right' about in the long run.. it's not fair to him, (because he WILL develop emotional feelings, heck he already has) anyway, tell him it's not "feeling right" for you.

 

And try to stop thinking or concerning yourself with what HE might think, or even his interpretion of what he "thinks/hopes" YOU might really want.. It's respectful for YOU to take your time and not act on HIS impulses until you are sure you are okay with it... or not...

 

so when you are in any "doubt" then do "without". Do not feel any pressure to make him "okay" he'll be just fine either way, he's already trying to manipulate you to get what HE wants.. and if you are looking for an excuse to "try this or avoid this" well, it's more important to be responsible for YOURSELF and you just need to take some time, maybe talk to a therapist and discover what your deeper issue is with all this..before choosing to act on this impulse again..

 

and you'll be okay, but for now, when you are "confused".. just get busy with more important things in your life.. and keep searching your soul for what you really want...do you want to some day spend your life with a man, get married to a man, adopt children with a man, love a man? These are some of the thoughts to process...

 

It may seem like right now it's just a "physical freebie" but your HUMAN, and it will effect you emotionally, and HIM as well.. so be careful, treat yourself, mind, body, heart with respect.

 

and whether you're straight or gay, you want to have a standards/values in why you engage in sexual activity with someone, and hopefully as you mature you will approach a physical relationship with an intention of love and respect.

[candy604]

Don't let your mate give you a bf if you are not comfortable with it. It's your decision and no one should pressure you into it. If you are straight, you don' thave to do this b/c you feel sorry or b/c he's confused.

 

He might be in a inbetween stage of not knowing who he is. Maybe he's bi? or experimenting?

[Deviant_Kate]

First off, don't let someone tell you that your gay friend is going through a phase. It's demeaning to every gay person out there.

 

Second, if you watch gay porn and it turns you on, that does NOT mean you're gay. In fact, nothing turns me on LESS than lesbian porn, even though I'm attracted to women. So pornography is not any kind of reliable measure of sexual orientation, especially not at fifteen.

 

Just like your friend knows himself and knows that he is gay, nobody knows YOU better than YOU, so trust yourself. Remember, the reason the first encounter happened at all is because you got hard talking about a girl. MAYBE you're bisexual, MAYBE you're curious, but don't let anyone else decide what you are.

 

Now, onto the issue at hand - your friend is being very disrespectful by making repeated advances when you've told him it makes you uncomfortable. You should let him know that he's your best friend and you don't want to hurt his feelings, but you're not attracted to him. Of course, if you ARE attracted to him (and there's nothing wrong with that), you can let him know that the whole situation makes you uncomfortable and you'd prefer he drop it for know while you figure things out. He's your best friend, and you need him to respect your feelings, regardless of what they are.

 

And if you find yourself tempted by his offer, I simply suggest examining what kinds of feelings you may have for him, and figuring out what kinds of consequences, good or bad, this might have on your relationship as friends.