how long is this going to last?

[absolutely confused]

o.k. i am going to try this again...but i will tell the whole story this time....

 

i was sexually abused when i was very young...and ive never told anyone...this is the closest that ive ever come to acknowledging it outside of my mind in 18 years. i am terrified to have sex with a man or woman...and it doesnt help matters that i have extremely low self esteem...so the thought of somebody seeing me naked much less touching me naked completely unnerves me. i spent all of my childhood and most of my adult life trying to avoid being touched by anyone.

 

now this is where i get really confused....because recently i have been having all of these desires for women...one in particular...she is my best friend and boss. for the most part none of my thoughts are ever about sex...their just about kissing and touching and being close to her. but i also have these feelings for guys too. its just that anytime ive been with a guy the kissing always has to lead to something else and thats when i freeze up.

ive never kissed a woman...so all of that is uncharted territory for me.

 

it just really freaks me out that i have not been able to have sex yet...i mean how long am i going to be like this? im to scared to talk to someone in person...even a counselor. i just need to find somebody out there in a similar situation...that can give me some good advice....

[honeyspur]

I was abused as a child. Yet, for me, sex was something I couldn't wait for! My aunt was also abused as a child (by the same person) and has difficulty, like you describe.

 

I must say that counseling is going to bring the best results. Realize you may have to search for someone you like. But it's worth it! I've seen in a counselor for years and she is like my buddy. It can be like this for you too.

 

Often the things we are avoiding, are the very things we need to do.

Give some more thought to counseling.

 

As for feelings about your boss - I think you might want to embrace it. This may be the chance you want and the change you need. If she is interested, go for it. It is possible that this kind of relationship could be satisfying and could help bring you out of your shell.

 

Also, having sex might be something you want to wait on until you are in a trustworthy, relaxed relationship. You may need serious commitment and undying love from someone before you are ready. Anyone who is truly interested will understand.

[absolutely confused]

thank you for the advice honeyspur...i apprecieate it. however the "boss" situation is a sticky one. i get mixed signals from her all of the time, and i dont know how to go about it or which ones i should read into. if anything ever was to happen she would have to make the first move...and i dont know if she is willing to do that. plus i work with her everyday almost and she is one of my best friends...i dont want to go making things uncomfortable between us...and i would just die if anyone ever found out...but on the other hand i really want something to happen...it would appear that i am equally screwd...

[douginnz]

I totally agree with Honeyspur who wisely observed that often one should do the very thing that one resists (provided it is legal) - counseling in this case.

 

A really good option might be a group, whether peer or professionally led. Some of these are available online. That way the focus won't be intently on you until/unless you are ready to contribute. In my view it is almost always healing to tell someone, though there are exceptions and only you will know what feels right to you.

 

If you do get group or individual counseling, you will soon discover you are not alone. Abusers rely on the kind of guilt you describe to get away with their abuse. Neither being the victim of abuse nor feeling same sex attraction are things to be ashamed of. The one is not your fault and the other is perfectly normal for GLB (gay, lesbian, bi) people. Even many religious denominations are increasingly recognizing this latter point (UUA, CofC, the Methodists here in NZ, MCC).

 

I do think it is too soon to approach another woman in the absense of sorting out some of your own values and feelings. More so, then, do I think that any sort of approach to your friend and boss would be premature (unless, as you say, she comes on to you). Apparently you value both your job and the friendship - it is perhaps better to experiment outside of work and your existing social circle (e.g. attend a gay social or community group). There are tons of these in almost every state (you don't mention where you live).

 

If you are really paranoid or live in a rural area, do like I did and visit the Big City; nothing like planning a lesbian holiday on-line! There are lots and lots of GLB and even lesbian-only B&Bs/guesthouses. Contact the persons running these establishments in advance; most are very well informed on the local GLB scene and can advise of events, venues, etc.