We have both found happieness in ourselves...How can we use that to our advantage?

[krnelson2]

So I talked to my ex last night after about a week of NC just to say hi and see how everything was (her new years, the holidays, etc). We had a short chat and everything was kept really friendly. It was really the first time we were able to talk like adults to each other without the other breaking down since we broke up 2 months ago. I have learned to let go of what happened and just a week of NC changed me so much. I have been able to become happy with myself for who I am, and after talking with her yesterday she said she was too. A couple weeks back I got together with her and told her that I was ready to give her space (only after torturing myself for a month and a half with all of the lame stuff people do). I layed everything out one last time and told her it was the last time I would bring it up. I told her that the only thing I wanted was for her to be happy. And for me to be happy too. And now we have achieved that. But now what?... How can we use this self discovery to our benefit? She said she has started to "figure things out", but how can i find out if these "things" include me or not? Do I just straight out ask her? When I asked her right after the breakup if there was ever a chance we could start over and for her to give me a second chance it was always "I don't know right now". She had a lot of fears (mostly of things going back to how they were in the past). But if she has started to make some progress should I just sit her down and ask her that question again. I am ready for either answer, but I am just sick of hearing "i dont know". When we broke up I asked if there was someone else. She said no, but she had been hanging out with a guy from work, but just as friends. He had asked her on a date but she said no, and he told her he had feelings for her. I cant help feeling that this is the reason we broke up but she keeps reassuring me its not. But I feel that she hasnt been seeing him outside of work as much (could be because of the holiday break and they arent at school anmore). I know she wants to be friends and I would love that for awhile. I think if we can rekindle a friendship things will work out from there, but if there is someone else in the picture I am out. It doesnt make any sense to stick around and hurt myself like that. Am I right here? I guess right now I am in LC . I am a caring person and care for both of our feelings, and from what she says she cares for me too. But the confusion is just too much for her now. We were together 5 years and the breakup came very suddenly and unnannounced. I never did anything to intentionally hurt her, but during the last two years of our relationship I did not really treat her as a girlfriend all the time, she said I did not make her my number one priority. There is some truth to that, but she always was my #1 even though I didnt show it. not a day in 5 years went by that I didnt think about this girl in some way. And now we are making some progress. I am thinking about maybe asking her to dinner next week (not necessarily as a date) but just to talk for awhile and see how things are going (its hard to judge her true feelings on the phone). So I wanted to spend some time with her, it seems to make us both feel really good when we are together. I dont know please give me some advice as to how we can both use our self-happiness to try and make this work. Thanks a ton!

[maladjusted]

krnelson2 i am kind of in the same situation you are in. about a few weeks ago my ex and i started talking again. before that we hardly spoke or had any contact but it was good because it gave us a chance to look at ourselves and become independent again. we spent the new years weekend together and it was great. we talked about our relationship a little and i told her that i was not going to put pressure on her and for us to see what happens. i am in a little different situation in that we broke up because she had just gotten divorced and needed time to connect with herself again. in retrospect it was great because i was able to connect with myself again. so now i am approaching the relationship with a nonchalant attitude. i am not worrying about what is going to happen and i am just letting nature take its course. since i have found my independence i am no longer building my world around her but now building my world around me. if we happen to hang out or do something then that is fine but if we don't then that is fine to. so i guess what i am saying to you is take the contact as a good sign but don't push her to much. keep doing what you are doing and it will all work out in the end. just don't get back into your old ways and celebrate the new you. if you are worried about this other guy then i think you need to tell her how you feel. communication is important. but if she isn't willing to give you a 100% then i say keep working on yourself and maybe date a little so that you are not just focused on her. take you time, be patient, and don't push what nature has in store. hope some of this helps so good luck and keep taking care of yourself.

[krnelson2]

Thanks a lot maladjusted. I think that is good advice. So do you think LC is the right choice or would NC be a better fit for awhile? I would love to be able to take things so nonchalantly, but its hard to schedule time to get together with one another cause we are both so busy. Before we would make time for each other no matter what, not its almost as if she is making excuses to not hang out as much. But I would like to rekindle at least part of the friendship we once had and go from there. I think that would help rather than jumping back into a relationship.

[CanadianGuy]

krnelson2,

 

Hello my friend. I am in the exact same boat as you. My ex. girlfriend and I split up about 3 months after 3 years together. She was not happy with her job, missed her family and friends (who are seven hours away) and just wasn't happy living in this town anymore. This ultimately caused friction in our relationship, and she left and moved back to her hometown.

The split wasn't typical, in that we didn't hate each other, still loved each other and in fact, we continued living together for a month after the breakup before she moved out.

Much like you I asked her numerous times if this was the end for us. She always replied she didn't know, and that she needed some time and space.

The first little while was tough - the phone calls, the pleading the emails from myself. After that, I concentrated on giving her her space.

We began talking occasionaly, not bringing up past stuff nor relationship things. She said when she is ready to meet up, she promised to let me know.

Well, a few days after Christmas I texted her, making a joke about taking her out to dinner, as I was four hours away from her town.

I ended up driving there, went out for a great dinner, hit a pub for some drinks, took a walk along the river and just talked. We stayed away from the relationship/past stuff pretty much, only briefly talking about it.

We have both decided that we want to spend time together as friends, and see where that goes. We did spend the night together, but decided to wait a bit for the intimacy and not to rush. We basically looked at this first meeting as a first date, and plan on doing the second one in a couple of weeks.

Now, it is a 7 hour drive for me to see her, and she knows the reason I am being friends with her is to see if we can make it as a couple again. She has the same thinking. I have told her if she is dating someone, involved with someone or is having sex with someone, this friendship thing would end on my part, because I don't think that is fair for me to have to deal with. She said she had been on two dinner dates since we broke up, and had kissed both men. That was it. I told her that I had also kissed two women since our breakup. We both decided that was fine, and realized we can't get caught up with those things, like asking each other every week if we've went on a date, or slept with someone, or else it won't be beneficial for us getting back together.

So, we are just going to take things slow, and see where they lead. I think a big reason for this going the route it is now, is she has a job she loves now, is close to family and friends and is happy now. That really affects us as a whole.

The best advice I can give, only from being in the same situation is to take things slow. Don't call every day. Don't sit on the phone for hours talking to her, because ultimately, things from the past will be brought up. Go out for dinner, keep things light and just be yourself. If she has plans already the weekend you want to do something with her, don't make a big deal about it. Just say that's cool, and maybe suggest the following week. You still need to give them their space, but I would still keep in contact if things are progressing like they sound.

Hope this helps a bit. As I said, I'm doing the same thing. I hope it works out, and to be honest, doing this friendship thing (with both of us knowing the reason why we are doing it) is our best way of getting our relationship back together.

One other bit of advice - do fun stuff when you are together. Stuff you haven't done before. Don't revert back to the past..Make the future look better and brighter!

All the best,

Justin

[krnelson2]

Thanks a lot CanadianGuy. I have a question though. If I ask her to dinner next week, do I tell its considered a date. If so how? I was thinking just asking her if she wanted to go on a date STRICTLY as friends no comittment at all. Just friends having a fun night out together. how about that? Also is it ok to be somewhat romantic or not? I.E. a nice restraunt, a walk in the park, things like that, or should I stick more to fun friend stuff like a movie or something. Plus I dont want to scare her off saying its a date. Any suggestions would help. I know that she is afraid to do this right now, but if she agrees to do it I know she will have fun and maybe start to see that I have changed. One other thing, I am not that good at initiating conversations, I never have been. So what kinds of things do you talk about to keep our minds off of our relationship, or do I just let it flow and take it minute by minute. These are the things I am not sure of, I want to hang out with her and want her to feel comfortable hanging out with me too, but i dont want to do anything to scare her away. Would a kiss at the end of the night be too much. Please let me know. I realize thats way more than one question

[CanadianGuy]

Hey,

 

I don't think you have to use the term date at all - just ask her if she would like to go out to dinner. If she questions your motives, you can tell her it is only as friends and just to spend some time together. I would keep it fairly middle of the road - no over the top fancy restaurant, but then again, no McDonalds either. We just went to a decent Italian restaurant. After dinner, we discussed what we should do next. I suggested just renting a movie. She said we always did stuff like that, and lets do something different and fun. So, we decided on going for a walk along the river, looking at the Christmas light displays the town had put up. We ran out of time, but we were going to go play Bingo as a laugh, and have both said we'll do that next time I come up.

As for conversation - just let it flow. For me it was easy - she had just got a new job, was living in a new city (new to me at least) so we discussed those sorts of things. Just think of it kind of like hanging out with a male buddy - just do stuff that feels natural and is fun.

Now, at the end of the night, see how comfortable she feels regarding the kiss. A hug certainly isn't out of the question, and a simple kiss on the cheek might be fine, as long as she is comfortable with that.

For me, I was 7 hours from home, so I had to spend the night. It was her decision to let me sleep in the same bed. I did make a small move at one point (now, I was giving her a nice massage at the time, so it was kind of hard not to make the move), but she politely stopped me, and said that it's best we wait before rushing into sex and intimacy, as that is more emotional, and we are not at that stage yet.

We did hold each other as we slept, so we were a bit beyond the friendship level I guess you could say.

Just be yourself. While I was driving up to take her out for dinner, she texted me the following, which I will paraphrase:

 

Let's just take this as friends for now. No I miss you, or crying or stuff. Let's just have a nice dinner, hang out and see where it leads...

 

So, that's what I did. I guess every situation is different, but just keep it on the friendship level, and see what happens. If it turns out good, call her a few days later for a simple "how are you doing" chat. Then just go from there. If the signals are beginning to come from her, going out again should be no problem.

It's going to take time to get comfortable with each other again, to feel that passion and closeness, and the only way to discover that is through friendship right now. What happens in the future is anyones guess, but hopefully things will work out for the best.

Good luck,

Justin

[krnelson2]

CandianGuy-Thanks again!!! This is the advice I think i needed all along. Just wondering, did you try NC in your situation. If so how did it work. I have tried and just dont feel that it is right for my situation. It lasted a week and helped a lot, but i dont see myself continuing strict NC for too long. A couple other questions what about holding hands, friends do it all the time, or would that just possibly add to her confusion. Also do I lay my intentions on the table outright. In other words do I tell her when we are on the date that I want to be friends to see become more comfortable with one another and to see what happens. Or just do it and not say why? Also do I tell her that if she gets with someone else that I am gone? To me that almost sounds like I am forcing her to be with me. I dont want that. I have told her in the past that if she goes out with someone else I would not be around to for that, so is that enough. I want to make this as pleasant as possible so i just feel that by bringing that up would make things a little sour. Also are there any things about the relationship that would be ok to talk about, or the break up things like that? or just stick strictly to non relationship convo? I'm kind of nervous that something will come up that will make her mad, because in the past after awhile just like you said we end up talking about us and it puts her in a bad mood. You have no idea how much your replies are helping me. What if she keeps making excuses not to meet with me though, do I stop asking after a certain point? Or just tell her that there is no way we can be friends if we cant hang out and be comfortable with one another? Thanks again, you are a great help.

[CanadianGuy]

Hi Again,

 

At the onset of our breakup, as I said, it was quite different than most relationship endings. We still loved each other, but she needed to do what made her happy, and that was leaving the area we resided in. I knew that if we were to have a chance again, she would need to be happy once again.

I took the breakup fairly badly. Made phone calls crying and begging, pleading emails etc. It just made me look weak and desparate. I did turn to NC, and that went well for 14 days, but in a moment of weakness I called, and the conversation ended with her angry, me in tears and feeling worse than before.

Not long after that I sent a long email putting everything on the line. I told her I'd like to visit her as friends, but made it very clear that the only reason I was doing this was to see if there was anything there to build on. I made that very clear. I said that if truth be told, I don't want her as a friend - I want her as my girlfriend, my lover.

I also stated that if she was with someone else, other than a one-off date, then I could not continue with my friendship, as it would be too hard. I also went into a ton of other stuff that related to our relationship.

Keep in mind that the month we stayed living together, even though we had broken up, was a catalyst in our relationship. We finally communicated during those four weeks, telling each other what we didn't like in our relationship. We had a very healthy sex life. We had fun, even though we knew the end was near.

Anyways, after I sent the big email, she replied stating that she read it with an open mind, agreed with most everything I said, still wanted some time and space, but she promised to tell me when she is ready.

We both bought each other Christmas gifts, and she called on Christmas Day to say Merry Christmas and to say I love you.

I took the chance in texting her shortly after regarding dinner, and the rest, as they say....is history.

As for holding hands - we did while driving in my truck, but again, every situation is different. I'd say we were further ahead than the point you are now, as we did spend the night together. It will be whatever she feels comfortable with, but the best advice is, start off very slow. It might be best not to, at least for the first date, and play it by ear for the next. Who knows, perhaps it will be her reaching out to hold your hand, or giving you a kiss at the end of the evening.

If you have already told her that you can't be friends with her if she is with someone else, then I would just leave it at that. She already knows.

As far as conversation goes, just keep it light and easy. By bringing up the breakup, you are ultimately bringing up sad and bad memories. You don't want that. (this is what my ex. said to me..) She doesn't want to go back to that time and place. So, try not to. We did talk a bit about our relationship, but moreso what this new friendship thing meant to us, how we would proceed and stating our intentions.

For me, they don't want to see you crying, begging, pleading etc. I've been there before and it doesn't work. Be strong, confident and happy. That will work much better.

If she doesn't want to meet up with you, there's not much you can do. I would just leave it with a simple...."when you are ready, you know how to reach me..", and stop with any contact.

Sadly, and this is something I've learnt, you can't force, pressure and make someone see you, or date you. They need to want it for themselves. Luckily my ex. wanted to see if this friendship thing could lead to us getting back together - it won't necessarily work for every relationship.

Good luck - let us know how you make out.

Justin

[krnelson2]

Ok so last night I was feeling great about this idea of trying to become comfortable being friends again to see what happens. But this morning I am not so sure. Is it just setting me up for more pain and rejection? Or do you think it is at least worth a shot? I guess my thinking is if she agrees then it kind of says that she wants to at least spend time with me. If she declines and makes excuses for not wanting to see me then I guess thats an easy decision on my part. I already sent her a message stating my intentions saying that now we have started to take strides in the right direction I want to be able to be comfortable with each other again. And be able to hang out just as friends. I told her that I still wanted to give her space and I didnt feel that hanging out once in a while would get in the way of that. But can hanging out as friends change anything, or will it just let her know that I am still here as a backup plan and a shoulder to cry on. I dont know. I still like the idea I'm just not sure about the outcome right now! I plan on calling her maybe Sunday when I return to town from vacation to try and set a time to get together.

[krnelson2]

Ok so I was talking to her friend online earlier today, and just asked what exactly my ex meant and wanted when she said space. Cause she has been saying she wants to be friends and all that stuff, and when I go NC she starts contacting me. Basically sending a lot of mixed messages. Her friend (basically the only person in her life that totally knows what is going on) told me that she thought that my ex wanted strict NC. But why would she call me and start texting me when i was giving her what she wanted? She keeps telling me that she wants to be friends, but wont make any time to make that happen. I mean how can you be friends with someone that doesnt want to talk? Weird... So I asked her friend to ask my ex for me exactly what it is she wants and means by space and to let me know. I guess the whole time I really havent known what this has meant. So I am awaiting her response. So I am definitely putting this whole dinner thing on hold (even though I already sent her a message asking her). I just think i need to figure out what she wants first. If its NC then thats what it will be. I will sign up for SuperDaves new competition and try and win the damn thing. And if she wants to come back to me she can, if I'm still here.

[CanadianGuy]

Hey,

 

Like I said, every situation is different, and the other person has to want it in order for it to work. Give her the time and space and let her reach her conclusion. Then take things from there...

I wish you luck.

Justin