Desperate, please help!

[finewhine]

Hi, all. I don't know if it was the holidays or what, but I have been thinking about my ex like crazy for the last few days. I woke up on New Year's Day crying over the feelings of hurt and betrayal caused by the end of our relationship - seven months ago.

 

Yup, you heard me, seven months. I broke up with him at the end of May. I feel like I just failed some breakup recovery test. In fact, I had told myself I was going to be over the hurt by the end of 2006. Seems like my little mind went and pulled a fast one.

 

For the past few days, there's been a broken record in my mind which says, "The person you thought was your best friend treated you with utter disrespect. You are a sucker." I know he will never hurt like I did, so I torture myself over that, too.

 

I am so ashamed of having cried yesterday. What the heck is wrong with me?

 

My one friend said something very insightful - that I am putting him on a pedestal, of sorts. She said I can't accept that a flawed person treated me shoddily, so I have to attribute all these positive qualities to him that he doesn't have (empathy, depth, emotions, etc.). That is what prevents me from moving on - I haven't accepted that he was nothing like I thought he was.

 

So I understand that really well, but why am I still upset? Should I bother thinking about this any more, or am I to the point that thinking about it is counterproductive? Should I repeat my friend's assessment like a mantra and forget, or is all this sadness a sign that there's more I have to work on?

 

I have a lunch date today, but I really wish I was back at work.

](*,)

[gradle]

oh! poor thing!

holidays always do that to me too! 7 months is not that long, every one is different. you just have to keep being good to yourself. keep going out with friends, on dates, keep your mind busy. it's really hard to do, i know, but one day you'll wake up and realize you can be happy without him too. you learn to live with your feelings and move on.

 

it sounds like you are putting him on a pedestal....we all do that. just know that you're doing that. maybe make a list of all the things he did to hurt you? and remember to look at it every time you're missing him? it's ok to think of him well, but remember when you were with him you weren't as happy as you could have been...

[kekep]

I think you are being unfair to yourself by putting a time limit on your grieving. It takes awhile to get over lost love--you need to be more generous to yourself. It's okay to grieve for awhile. I'm not saying purposefully wallow, and I'm definitely not saying sit around and do nothing during this time (nothing could be worse for you!), but understand that grieving takes awhile and you can't just snap out of it whenever you feel like it. The sucky part about time is it takes time.

 

I think the reason we put our exes on pedestals is our minds are trying to reconcile why our hearts are hurting so much, so we think of only the positive things that person did and wonder how we blew it with the most awesome person in the world. Please allow me to burst that little bubble--you didn't! That said, console yourself that the day will come when you'll wonder why you were so hung up on this person, and you'll most likely be with someone 1000 times better by then.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not so sure it is about putting someone on a pedestal. I think it is about giving our hearts to someone and having them trample it like it is nothing to them. It is the pain of being betrayed by someone we cared about. I understand where you are coming from. I feel the same way. I was betrayed by someone in August. He seemed to realize how badly he hurt me and came around again, but once he had me again, he figured all was right with the world and stopped trying. I told him off not quite 2 weeks ago. It hurts so badly. I am not sure if you had lots of time off over the holidays, but that certainly doesn't help matters. More time to think. When do you go back to work? That might help take the edge off. I don't think there is any set time frame for getting over the fact that someone has hurt you badly. Just hang in there. You will have good days and bad days.

[finewhine]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I go back to work tomorrow thank God, so hooray!

 

I have been dating, but I'm in a bit of a dry spell, so there's nobody new to distract me.

 

So what happens to this pain, anyway? Does it get resolved, or does it just dim? I really, really thought I was gonna wake up yesterday and be free, but I just cried and cried until I went to a party, then I went home and cried some more. Bleagh!!!

[gradle]

what happens with your pains?

well..for me it's that i realize the i still love this person a lot, but it's different. it's like i love myself more. i know how put this love for him aside and know that i can share my feelings with someone else, someone more worthwhile right now.

just realize taht life is too short to adore just this one person.

i hate the dry spells too, but that's also where i think you grow the most...

[finewhine]

Gradle, I don't love him at all. My feelings stopped dead the day he told me I was too busy and important to work on our relationship and that he couldn't be bothered to meet me so we could break up face to face. He is a stranger to me. For the last year of our relationship, it was as though a mean alien replaced my loving boyfriend. He grew cold to me and finally shut me out completely. It was a total 180.

 

I did love him once, and I suppose I am still grieving the loss of the person I thought I loved. It's a paradox - who was he? Was he the person who threw me a surprise party or the person who didn't give me the time of day? Was he the person who stood by my side when my father was diagnosed with cancer or was he the person who couldn't be bothered with anything that was going on in my life?

 

Reconciling the two of these still haunts me, I'm afraid. It really pains me to say it, but it's still hard for me to believe that someone who was once so wonderful just turned so uncaring and awful. It shakes my faith in people a little bit. I am so thankful I have friends and family who have stuck by me through everything or I wouldn't like people very much.

 

For some reason, it screws with my sense of justice, too. I read once that mugging victims are scarred for life, while muggers can't even remember the details of what they've done. I suppose it's the same thing with me. Albeit, my mother didn't get murdered, I didn't get raped or even mugged, but I am a victim of sorts nonetheless. This is a truly crap way to feel, and I haven't quite turned it around yet.

 

I know that he wasn't right for me. I know this as sure as I know I'm alive. I know I'm happier without him. Right after the breakup, it would buoy me just to realize I was no longer saddled with the burden of loving somebody so screwed up. Since then, I've dated and been alone and found happiness in my career and my creative endeavors and being with friends. I am truly happy to be alone, to apprehend the world for me and me alone. I know I can thrive by myself.

 

And yet, the question remains: who was he?

 

Still wondering stinks. He wasn't a monster - he didn't beat me, he didn't cheat on me, he didn't verbally abuse me - but I left the relationship feeling battered and used up. It was like I was banging my head against a wall, scratching a cold, hard surface, screaming until my lungs were sore. I left bloody and tattered.

 

And now, seven months later, he regrets it all. He told me so. He feels terrible for how he treated me. It haunts him that I dislike him and that I don't want him in my life. He says he wants nothing more than my friendship.

 

Who asks for my friendship? Is it the person I knew or the person he became? Are they the same? Who is he?

 

Friendship is out. I am trying to forgive. I am mad at myself for bothering.

[confusedangel]

i went through the same things. he told me he didnt want more than a friendship because he just wants to focus on himself and a career right now and not me. he said horrible things to me and i have a bad time admitting that he's a bad person. it's like i never knew him at all after the things he said and did. what ever happened to the good guy that i met and fell in love with? its been almost 5 months and im still very hurt and still cry and still havent heard anything from him. i broke down a few times and contacted him but he ignored it all. he said i was the first and only person he'll love but what happened? i already knew that he was flawed but i accepted that but i never thought he would use it against me too. i thought i was different...

[finewhine]

Confusedangel - I'm so sorry that happened to you, too. You're certainly not alone! Mine left me for a career, too. Then he went and got a new girlfriend who seems like a cheerleader.

 

I think some men can switch off their emotions. They'll suffer in dribs and drabs and/or become completely shallow people with lots of money. Either way, they'll never hurt like we do. They won't face what they've lost head-on. At least we have that - I mean, we suffer honestly and fully.

 

I've been thinking about it like that today - suffering is good. Suffering is human. It's inhuman to neglect somebody you profess to love. It's inhuman to turn off your emotions.

 

We're not different or special, I guess. We're victims of circumstance. It totally blows. PM me if you want to.