Advice needed - Long story

[Guitar]

Hey all. Im fed up feelin down every second minute

n pickin myself up and tellin myself to cop on. Im

24, and nearly 18 months ago a 4 year relationship

ended, which I took badly. It was my first real

long term relationship. We both mad about another

or so I thought. We made some stupid mistakes like

drifting from friends,not making new ones

etc...basically hanging out of each other during

college. IT was either her or my classmates in

college that I hung around with. Both got on really

well with our families, she rang me every night for

4 years. Really nice looking girl, and what I

tought had a heart of gold

 

About 3 months before it ended I Went to end it as

I thought she was getting bored and losing

interest. SHe ended up crying and begging me to

take it back. I told her how delighted I was she

cried and how much I loved her etc...At this stage

she was 60 miles or so away from home and I only

saw her on weekends. 3 months later she came home

with a note to me saying she was in a club with her

workmates and a guy made a pass at her. It went on

to say that she didnt kiss him but wanted to. I

flipped, said it was over. Walked off, she ran

after me. We sorted things out. 3 days later she

ended it.

 

I was really down for 2 months solid. Went from

talking to nobodt to pouring my heart to every mate

and half mate I knew. Coudnt eat properly for a week. Embarressing now come to think of it. Complete fool are words that

spring to mind. I begged her, left horrible

depressing (drink played a little part here) voice

messages on her phone, and (the bit that kills me

and I cant believe I still did it) listened to her

voicemails on 4 occasions as I knew her pin number.

 

I know Im a fool for getting so upset and an even

bigger unforgiveable fool for tormenting her and

listening to her messages.

I eventually snapped out of it, and 7 or 8 months

later bumped into her in a club. She completely

blanked me after just saying hello. She wants

nothing to do with me. Im not upset about that as I

was, but I find it weird all the same.

I cant stop thinking about the whole thing. A

friend of mine sent me a link a week ago of her

bebo(stupid website in my opinion) page (Which Im surprised at 'cas I thought she wouldnt be into that thing). She's portraying

herself something like a 17yr old slapper whose addicted to the net and loves all this chat,photos bebo crap. Not that it has anything to do with me but it kinda

disappoints me a little that she's showing herself to be like this. Pics of her wearin skimpy close drunk out of her mind...it does niggle at me a little. I deleted the email and dont have the link now but I remember it being tacky, immature and slutty to be honest. I know when girls get out of a

long term relationship they go for the fun thing but this seems a little over the top and a bit weird.

 

I know what alot will say now, I felt like saying it to myself as I typed. GET OVER IT and MOVE ON! Yeah, I tried. I finished college, made some new

mates, living with 2 best friends and got a new job....but I miss what I had and I hate lettin go of our history. Sad, I know. Ive read over what I

wrote there now and sometimes I wouldnt care, but its like the first line reads - "every second minute". I wish I could go to bed for a week or to

without thinking of this situation that was 1 1/2 years ago. Theres great points to what happened. I can be a lads lad again, be with my mates etc...

but if Im honest deep down I havent been happy in a long while.

 

Sorry for the rant but kinda needed to get it out there.

[honeyspur]

Don't apologise and don't give up.

The only way to truly get over someone is not give up on it. Right now, you've given up. Perhaps your expecting to be over faster than is possible.

It could take almost 4 years - the length of your relationship, to get over it completely.

Continue to go out, have fun with friends, date casually and focus on forgiving her. Forgiveness will come if you choose it.

[Guitar]

I think 18 months is along time and I think I should be well over her and the situation at this stage. I wish I was, I hate it being on my mind and I hate having to look for advice!

 

I have forgiven her, but I dont think she forgiven me over the events that occurred after the breakup. She tried but I was too foolish and blind in my attempts to wooh her and win her back. Id love to be civil with her, as in if I were to bump into her on the street or elsewhere that we could say "hi, how are you?" instead of avoiding one another.

 

I havent dated much, the confidence isnt the best...Ive been with 4-5 women and slept only with one (not a fan of one night stands I gotta say!).

[honeyspur]

No, no - not one night stands. Dates don't always include sex

I just meant try opening up without the expectation of a relationship with dates. It might seem strange, when you want a committed relationship, but it's really just another step in the process of getting over someone.

 

18 months is a long time to be carrying the torch for someone, but it has been proven in study that it takes nearly the whole length of the relationship to be completely over them.

 

If you want to feel different, you must do things you haven't tried and consider that you may change a great deal. Perhaps you keep her on your mind because you really fear the change it will bring if you choose to let her go, stop going to places you went together, start getting rid of photos, trinkets, music that makes you think of her, etc.....

 

I understand it is difficult - but it can be done.

[Guitar]

Thanks for taking time to reply Honeyspur. Appreciated alot. Yeah i did all that about 3 months after... the love letters, photos, presents all chucked out! I;m really annoyed at the way she's acting now...that website page (bebo) was a shock to me. I wasnt jealous of her or anyone close to her...I felt cheated; like it was an act when she was with me, or that she's not herself now. And Im fed up that I care about the situation and her. I just wanna let go.

 

It was a great relationship, I just wish I hadnt made a fool of myself, I wish we were civil to one another and I wish she wasnt acting like a tramp or an immature school girl at the age of 24/25

 

 

Maybe I just need more time, and look for more things to do in my life to fill the gaps and stop the constant analyzing on things that dont really matter anymore.

[scsavino]

18 months and not over it?

Oh, God, now Im worried. About me.

[Guitar]

Ah, its really depends on what "it" is! This is all gonna sound stupid....

 

I look at that webpage (go to www dot bebo dot com and you'll see the kinda thing that it is) and putting the corniness of that site aside I still 100% dont find her attractive, nor there is no spark for her even though she is nice looking and I loved her for years. It just bothers me she what she is portraying herself as. I know this person and even though she likes to have fun now and again, I think this is a little over the top. None of my business now I suppose.

 

Hate the way I reacted to the breakup, made a fool out of myself. Nothing I can do about it now but wish I knew how to stop thinking bout it.

 

I miss the comfort, and it annoys me that all we went through is now only a learning curve and a phase in life.

 

-

 

And lastly it bothers me that all that above bothers me, and that one of those things are on my mind at least once a day...18 months on. I know people say ya should fill the day with things ya like, enjoy life, be yourself again and eventually someone will come along when you are not looking. Wish was that simple. Maybe hypnosis is an option !!

[honeyspur]

Wow - it's great to hear all this honesty from you - you do miss the comfort - that is truly it.

Sounds like you feel relatively shocked about the direction she is taking.

 

However, this is where acceptance comes in. Acceptance in this case is more for you than it is for her.

Think it's easier said than done to go out and fill your day up?

It won't happen until you make a choice to accept her for who she really is. On some level, it is not for you to judge her - there is no way to know if she's doing anything bad. That is merely an opinion and based on your own personal beliefs.

Maybe she wanted to take this direction/lifestyle/change of personality and sensed you were not wanting it for yourself.

The way she's portraying herself might be making her happy - accepting her happiness and pleasure will release you from this place you are in.

Good work - you are doing well - think hard about your intention. Is moving on really what you want? Or staying immersed in her and building judgement against her which may possibly be untrue?

 

Give yourself some peace....

[Guitar]

You're right Honeyspur. Thanks for the replies. I just need to be myself again and get over the stupid stuff I did after the breakup. Driving myself around the twist with it, knowing fully I cant build a time machine and change my reaction.

 

Great relationship, great friendship. Ended badly. Stupid mistakes. People move on.

 

Time for me to move on fully. 18 months too long. Christ I gotta cop on!

 

thanks to all that read and replied

 

G

[Guitar]

looked at it again today. What is the problem with me getting closer? I want to have this "go out with the lads" "live life to the full" attitude, but when it comes to the clubs and bars my confidence (in terms of meeting new people) falls flat on its face.

 

I keep thinking of being in love with my ex like we used to be.... im just twisting a dagger into a old wound (God thats awful corny sorry!). I just want to have fun, and meet a few girls and make new friends. If I can do that, and if I can put all this ex stuff behind me I'll be delighted. Maybe one day her and I can say hello to one another again on the street if we bump into one another.