bumped into her - advice sought please

[Trab]

Hello everybody,

 

This is my ppost with my original story

 

Last night a couple of friends and I were going to meet up and have a lot of fun. I was with another male friend and we were early, so we dicided to have a beer at a bar I have't been to in years.

 

When we walked in there, it was so busy that we walekd straight out, but on the way out I caught a glimpse of my ex! I'd been on NC for 4 days. I kpet walking out. When I was out I felt so bad, that I walked back in. She saw me and came up to me and I said I'd like to have a chat, and she said that was a bad idea because she'd had a copule of drinks. She was there on a going away party of some people of her work, some of which I know a little and they were glad to see me.

 

We ended up going to a very quite part of the bar, and I started saying how although was was upset for a day or 2, the spilt had been terrific, because I realized so many things I did wrong, and that I neglected myself and that I'd tottally picked up on my study and my business plan. I asked her how she was and she said she'd been swamped with work. I said I had been really living it up and been out all the time, at which point she got upset and walked away, saying I was making it mpossible for her. She walked back to her group and I walked after her, put an arm on her shoulder and whispered to her that every moment without her had been agony, so I took her by the wrist, and led her back to where we were. HEre I mentioned some things I missed, and where I admitted to where I had been wrong in the relationship, and that the time/space apart had been very usefull, a real wake up call. She said she missed me so much and we hugged, and we had some light kisses, just pecks on the lips really. I felt so attached to her again! GRRRR I HATE ME THERE AND THEN! She then got up and walked back to her friends with her arms behind her for me to take her hands, as she wanted me to talk to some of them. They were however at the bar, and she said I better go and meet my friends. I was really reluctant to go and started saying stupid stuff like I need a yes or a no, or I can't live without a descioion kind of BS! She said we'd talk soon. I kissed her on her head and walked out. She looked out of the window and I made the gesture to follow me a couple of times. She then sat that with her back to the window.

 

I went out, had a great night, met a lot of people, including some very nice girls, but was open about my ex and I and even got some advice. It was along the lines of NC her again, and she'll contact you around Christmas ( She'll be alone on Christams and Boxing day now) and you'll be together by New Year..... I hoped she'd sms me or dropped by in the club we were, but nothing. What was good for me ( yes, I know thats bad) is that i learned she'd been very upset and depressed about it too, and that there wasn't anybody else.

 

What do you think? I still do love her to bits, the chance of us seeing eachother was so unbelieevable small, I'm sure we both think it meant something.

[friscodj]

Hey T-

 

Tough situation my man, one I can relate to that's for sure...if you only knew...

 

The most apparent aspect of this to me is that you are desperately trying to force something to happen. You have gotten your perspective lost in the chase here, in the hot/cold, on/off, love/hate, push/pull excitement of this situation. You are most certainly being pathetic right now...as have I many times before...

 

This is not love my friend, this is obsession. It is obsession with with a notion of working for, winning back, and succeeding in a quest to proverbially "get her back" because you are afraid to face the pain of separation or have this notion that you are "losing" here, when in fact, it is clear to me you are better off without her...

 

Let's look at some summary highlights here...

 

You guys meet, light the fires of passion, and hit it off. But the age difference prevents you from having a "proper" relationship. Also, she recently got out of a bad on-again-off-again relationship of 2 years. Things cool off then out of the blue you resume contact and a few days later you are supposedly in love?

 

She has an ex chasing her and has a pregnancy scare. Then she goes off to a foreign country for a month, wants to marry you and have your children, asks you to move in with her. When she returns, she is distant and won't but kiss or cuddle with you, starts treating you like crap, says there's no passion left and wants to break up.

 

Fast forward 4 days where you guys bump into each other at a bar, she's lit up, you follow her around, put your arm around her, and whisper in her ear how you've been agonizing without her and apologized for what you did "wrong"! Then there's some kissing, and you hate yourself for doing this! After that, you're meeting women and getting advice on your ex?

 

The night ended with you upset that she didn't text you back.

 

So what do you think is going to happen here? Not what you want to happen but what you think will happen?

 

I think you are going to end up as the ex who was chasing her when you were with her! That's the pattern without a doubt, and I'll bet there are a lot of similarities between her last relationship and this one. Do you want to be the "ex in pursuit" just like the other guy? While she's doing with a new guy what she was doing with you? She's already done it once and who knows how many other times before.

 

I don't necessarily think she is doing this on purpose, I think she is stuck in her own destructive relationship pattern. It sounds to me like she freaked out when she really started thinking about marriage and children. So she pushed you away. Then when you were away at a comfortable distance to her, you guys bump into each other, and she's all kissy again. Would she have taken initiative to contact you? Would she have done so sober? And what happens if you get too close again?

 

We like to think that we are the exception and this pattern can't include us, but many times I've seen, this is not mainly about you, it's about her.

 

So look at her history, the patterns, what she is doing and saying from an outside perspective. Then being the good engineer you are, start formulating a list of specific, logical, and tangible reasons why you think everything will suddenly change...her personality, her behavioral patterns, her feelings, why you think these changes will happen quickly, and why you think they will be permanent. Then add to that list some specific and logical reasons why the underlying issues which were present in your relationship, e.g., the age difference and associated issues and the difference you mentioned about your sexual activity levels, have been resolved.

 

Make those lists and think about them. It shouldn't take you very long because I don't see much evidence that leads me to believe you won't be holding anything but a blank piece of paper...

[Trab]

wow, that really is an impressive reply, thank you. I'll have to read trhrough it many more times before I fully understand it.

 

I didn't text her last night, but was really expecting one from her. I'll go back to NC and look what happens. I feel better now then 2 days ago, but because I have hope again, and you are so right how no problems like this can be resolved in a few days, only months or never.

 

I even hoped that her friends whould talk some sense into her. I just wish I'd kept my composure last night, and not acted needy.

 

She'll just NC me again.

[Trab]

she smsed me today, wishing me a good weekend, and a kiss. I replied wishing her one too. I'm thining of asking her over for xmas still. what do you think?