On Again & Off Again

[unsurell]

Hello all,

 

This is my first visit to the forums and I would like advice/thoughts on my situation. Thanks in advance!

 

I have an X who has been in my life for 11 years. We dated briefly, it was an intense connection and then it ended. We were quite young (barely 20s) and I think we weren't ready for it.

 

In the following 11 years, we have stayed in touch and remained friends. However whenever we see each other, our attraction is very strong and we usually express it (although not to the point of having sex).

 

I have dated, loved and lost love in that time. He has married and divorced and dated post-divorce. Now we seem to be at a weird point because we have spent a few weekends together over the last few months.

 

He lives in another state (2 hr plane ride) so our visits are mainly for a few days when we can fit it in. I spent 5 days with him about 10 days ago and we were intimate for the first time in our history. We both are aware of the other's status (single and dating) and we didn't talk about what it means. But we did agree that we care about each other more than the other people in our lives.

 

This is the first time in our history that he hasn't been serious with anyone. He is finally in a place where we have the option of considering a relationship. I don't want to jump from zero to committed..absolutely not. But I would like to continue to see him for awhile and see what happens.

 

Can I say that to him right now or do I wait awhile? How do I best phrase that so as not to come on too strong?

 

I do appreciate your thoughts, thank you!

[robowarrior]

I dislike lightswitch relationships for exactly this reason, on off on off. NO

 

If you are in a relationship you go for GOLD. Basically what you are doing is just dipping your toe in the water,instead of jumping into it. Dipping is safe but it shows you do not have any commitments towards him. Jumping is unsafe but states that you want to go all the way.

 

And what is this stuff going on. You see you broke up for a reason, if the behind lying reason why you two broke up, and all of the problems along with it aren't solved, then coming together will just lead into another break up.

 

Do yourself a favor and decide on what you really want. No more half azzed decisions. If you go for something, you will put your hands into the fire for what you stand for. Simply said , he is your nr.1 and you are his nr.1 , you solve the problems, and maintain the relationship.

 

If you are comitted id say go for it, if you just want to eat cake then id stay alone.

[keenan]

I don't want to jump from zero to committed..absolutely not. But I would like to continue to see him for awhile and see what happens.

 

Can I say that to him right now or do I wait awhile?

 

I think you just said it beautifully. If you've been intimate recently, this issue is probably top-of-mind for him, as well.

 

So...yes. Say it now, and say it like you just did.

 

Keep in mind that long distance relationships are hard, and that's all the more reason to tread lightly at first. But...the two of you care for one another, and have for some time. This seems like a great opportunity to learn for real whether you can make a go of it...as adults.

 

Good luck!

[unsurell]

Thank you for your replies! Hopefully I will have some news to update with in the near future.

 

Happy holidays to all of you!