One HUGE mess !

[honeyson]

Hi,

 

I am new to the forum. I guess I just need someone to talk to and to get some good advice. I am a male of 36. I have been married for 13 years. Overall my marriage was good, but my wife and I started living separate lives and living past each other.

 

At the beginning of this year I met someone at an online support group. I was constantly feeling lonely and depressed and this woman gave me warmth and support. I am ashamed to say that I fell for it all, hook line and sinker !

 

In stead of trying to work things out with my wife, I reacted more and more positively to her attention. She herself was going through a painful and often violent divorce.

 

She lived in Croatia, me in South Africa. Soon we started chatting to eachother in Yahoo messenger on a daily basis. I told her immediately that I was married with 2 kids. She lied to me by saying that she was already divorced, not that this made any difference at that stage.

 

She supported me and made me feel better. I felt excited to get up every morning and looked forward to our chats. I also supported her, through 3 suicide attempts and being raped by her ex twice.

 

She was in a total state. Well, soon our chats turned into long declarations of love and exploring the idea that we were soul mates and belonged with one another.

 

To make a long story short. After 8 months of online chatting, no cybersex or anything like that, just deep discussions of happiness and what relationships should be and about love, she came to South Africa to visit friends of her, and we met for the first time. She was here a total of three days.

 

I have never cheated on my wife before this and I KNEW this was wrong even though I felt strongly attracted to this woman. I told her in no uncertain terms about two months before she came to SA that I do not want to talk to her anymore, that I have to let go of this affair, that it is wrong. She persisted and tried to commit suicide, or so she told me. I was overcome with guilt and returned to her.

 

This whole episode was repeated twice, where I desperately tried to bail out of the relationship before it "Went too far"

 

Everytime she emailed me persistently and made me feel guilty. I have had a very bad child hood and have severe issues with guilt.

 

Well anyway I couldn't manage to end it, especially after she was devastated by the fact that she fell pregnant after being raped by her then estranged husband, and in August she came to SA. I met her on the Saturday and spent the night with her. I was so confused, intoxicated by all the love and attention I received, after not receiving anything like that for a long time in my marriage, but I knew what I was doing is wrong. It went over to the deed on the Saturday night. I felt ashamed and awful, and guilty.

 

She lost the baby (supposedly, I say this cause I am not sure if she was ever pregnant) while being in SA. She was devastated and continuously made me promise to never leave her, that I am all she has and that she will surely die without me.

 

On the Sunday I told my wife everything. She was devastated, totaly devastated. I said to her, that what I had done was a choice and that I think that I want a divorce to pursue my relationship with this other woman, that I would still always take care of her and the kids, that she would never have to suffer materially and that they would always be well looked after.

 

She said that she needed time to digest all of this. When I saw the IMMENSE pain that I had caused I felt awful, but stubbornly persisted, even though I knew that what was happening was all wrong.

 

Well the woman returned to Croatia, and I was left to deal with my devastated wife. I tried to be as supportive as I could and we spent hours and hours exploring everything.

 

Where our marriage went wrong, why I had done what I had done. We remained civil and supportive.

 

I can't believe that my wife stayed supportive even though I had done this awful thing to her. It says so much about her.

 

Well in the meantime everything went haywire in Croatia. This woman's husband had found out about her affair with me and he dispersed all the emails we had exchanged to her family. It was then that I found out that she was lying to me, that she was in fact still legally married to this man and not divorced as she had stated previously.

 

I was a bit shocked that she had lied to me, but remained supportive, fully believing that she was my soulmate and that we are being tested and that we should fight for our love.

 

In Croatia her husband, went crazy. I started receiving death threats on my cellphone. He took their daughter away from her and forced her out of their flat. Her parents fully supported her husband and she basically ended up on the streets with nowhere to go.

 

Croatians as a rule react very harshly towards adulterers and the likes. Well she ended up in a small flat with a new job, after having to sell all her jewellery to stay alive. She was devastated by the fact that her daughter was not with her anymore. Her husband also constantly harassed her emotionally and physically attacked her a couple of times.

 

I decided to go to Croatia to help her and to see if I could find a job there to help her get back on her feet and to gain her daughter back.

 

It was the most difficult thing I had ever done, when I got on the plane, leaving my kids and wife, weeping at the airport. My wife let me go, full knowing that I was going there to try and carve out a new life for myself and my lover.

 

When I arrived in Croatia after being in the air and at airports for 2 days straight, she took me to her flat. It was about 12:15 am on the Sunday morning. A couple of minutes later her husband called. He somehow knew that I had arrived and after sending me numerous death threats over the last couple of weeks told her that he is on his way there to kill us both.

 

I believed that he was capable of this act as he is violent man by nature and he was beside himself with anger.

 

We proceeded to go to the police station. Her husband also came there and a confrontation followed where he threatened to kill us both.

 

The police said that he had every right to be so provoked seeing that she had the nerve to bring her lover there, whilst still being married.

 

They told us to leave. He screamed that he will kill us during that night.

 

I was never so afraid as then, in a strange country not being able to speak the language or know any of the places, where to flee to or how to stay safe.

 

I told her that we need to flee and she quickly agreed. We fled over the next two days, sleeping in bus stations and alleys, to avoid her searching husband.

 

We fled through Slovenia, where I was almost apprehended at the border for not having the correct visa, but manage to make it to Austria and from there we came back to South Africa.

 

At this stage I did not feel anymore delusions of love for her, but I did feel responsible for her.

 

I set her up in rented room in a lodging house. I bought her some clothes and fed her and daily visited her for a couple of hours.

 

Everyday she proclaimed her undying love for me, that she would surely be dead had I not saved her, etc.

 

I desperately wanted to return to my family, but felt far too guilty to abandon her. In anyway, she soon caused a fallout with the friends she had here in South Africa, and was left totally on her own, with only me as a life line.

 

Things progressed and over the next 2.5 months we managed to arrange permanent citizenship for her, to find her a job and I bought a small townhouse, where we could move in together.

 

Everything in me screamed that I did not want to leave my family. I desperately wanted to get out of this situation. Everything was far too intense and I felt utter remorse for bringing all this trouble on my family.

They were seeing less and less of me, as I struggled to sort this woman's life out.

 

Well my wife and I discussed it and decided that they should go on vacation for a week in which time I could move out as not to cause unnecessary trauma to my kids. We would then tell them that I would not be staying at home anymore when they return, but that I would still be visitng them everyday.

 

The night before they left, the last night I would spend at home, I wept, all night long, just weeping in sadness. I did not want to go, but felt that I had entangled myself in this web, and that there was absolutely no escape.

 

My wife also wept and we could both feel the others grief but did not talk to eachother much.

 

Then the next day I moved in with her into the place that I had bought. She was ecstatic, all I wanted to do was cry.

 

I stayed there for a couple of days. With each day the realization grew that I did not want to live there and that I only want to go home.

 

My wife was set to return with the kids on the Saturday. On the Thursday I mustered up all my guts and when I arrived at the appartment in the afternoon I told her that I don't think that I could live with her, that I want to go back to my family. She looked at me in total amazement and then went totally bezerk. She went totally crazy and was kicking me and hitting me. She wanted to kill me. I never saw such a look in someone's eyes.

 

As a child I was abused by my mother and I have serious issues with guilt and especially violence.

 

I defended as best I could and grabbed her. I had to subdue her three times over a period of about 20 minutes, before she finally calmed down.

 

And only after I had said that I would not leave.

 

She made me swear that I would never leave her, over and over again.

I was just devastated after this. On Saturday my wife and kids returned from their holiday.

 

I came out with everything. That I now see what a huge mistake I made, and that I only want to come back and patch up our marriage.

 

I have told the other woman three times more over the next three days, that I believe that everything was one big mistake, that I feel I have abandoned my family, that I want to rectify the situation with them, that I want out.

 

But see, she is totally dependant on me. She has no friends here, no support structure, no transportation, no money at this stage, so I can't just disappear and not see her again, even though this is what I truly want to do.

 

I am so stuck and don't know where to turn or what to do. Everytime I tell her I want to leave, she says that she WILL make me happy, that she will never give up on me, that things will change in time, that my kids will get used to the fact that I don't live there anymore, or she threatens to kill herself.

 

I just don't know what to do, to defuse this situation. I know that all of this is my own fault. I made such a big mistake, but now it seems there is no way out.

 

What am I to do ? ](*,)

[Norway]

I would really try to arrange her to meet with a Psychologist, because she seems to very very unstable. So unstable she needs to cling to you for any sign of happiness in her life. She needs to learn that she can never make someone happy unless she can make herself happy first.

[Cadence308]

She has been maniupulating you for almost as long as you have known her by threatening suicide if you stop talking to her and now if you leave her. She is very unstable. I agree that she needs some sort of therapy.

 

You have caused this big mess with her and you have hurt many people and will hurt her in the end too. Nothing good comes from affairs and someone always ends up getting hurt.

 

It sounds like you do realize that you are not happy with this Croatian woman and want to be with your wife and children. Get her some therapy and then leave her.

[honeyson]

Thank you for the advice so far.

 

Yes, I know and agree that I am the cause of the mess I find myself in and I do want to make ammends for my actions. I made this mistake.

 

Yes, she is extremely unstable. How will I get her to see someone. I have tried to suggest this, but she absolutely refuses. I agree that she has been and is still manipulating me.

 

I am however scared that she really does commit suicide. On Thursday when she had the outburst she cut herself with a razor blade. Luckily it was of the disposable sort and couldn't do to much damage.

 

I would not want this woman's death on my hands, over and above all the hurt I have already caused.

[Ash]

You're guilting yourself into something that is rapidly getting beyond your control.

 

If you've made your decision regarding the Croatian woman then you have to stick with that and at some point realize she is in control of her own life, direction and destiny. You said she has citizenship, and I'm unclear as to whether she has a job yet but it sounds like either she does or can get one.

 

My suspicion is that she will not truly attempt to kill herself and that what she is doing so far is getting attention. Most of those who are serious in trying to kill themselves won't use a disposable razor. If she did injure herself badly perhaps she would scare herself enough to make her realize that is totally the wrong way to act. I'm not saying I'd like to see that, what I am saying is that I think she still has the built in self limiting that most of us have that tends to not let us kill ourselves.

 

Whether you can patch up your marriage I think is a secondary issue at the moment. Perhaps you can, I hope you can. When you do come to that part though you will have to put some very serious thought into what led you down this path with another woman.

 

However, the primary issue is how to get yourself untangled from the Croation lady's life. If nothing else you have got her away from her abusive husband and she has been given most of the means necessary to make a new start.

 

By the way, don't be surprised if her husband appears on the scene again due to contact from her. Be aware that might happen and keep your head up.

 

This has gotten somewhat beyond you. The romance is over, damage has been done but at some point she again has to take responsibility for her own life as you do yours.

[Rabican]

Thank you for the advice so far.

 

Yes, I know and agree that I am the cause of the mess I find myself in and I do want to make ammends for my actions. I made this mistake.

 

Yes, she is extremely unstable. How will I get her to see someone. I have tried to suggest this, but she absolutely refuses. I agree that she has been and is still manipulating me.

 

I am however scared that she really does commit suicide. On Thursday when she had the outburst she cut herself with a razor blade. Luckily it was of the disposable sort and couldn't do to much damage.

 

I would not want this woman's death on my hands, over and above all the hurt I have already caused.

 

Dude you need to realize that you are not her keeper. You are not her dad... this isnt some 4 year old child that you are bound to keep safe. This is a grown woman. I would suggest that you call the authorities, and have her committed. I dunno about where you are, but in the USA if you have someone who is a threat to themselves, or to someone else they can be locked up for a certain amount of time. Maybe they can get her the help she needs.

 

That said, you have made yourself one GIANT mess. If you want any chance of working out things with your wife, you have to let this other girl go, forget she ever existed. Get yourself to a marriage counselor, get the other girl to a mental hospital or something. But you cant keep contact with the crazy lady and expect to ever work things out with your wife. The fact that she hasnt burned all of your possessions and thrown you out already amazes me.

[honeyson]

Thanks for the advice.

 

On Wednesday night I moved out of the appartment and went back home.

It was extremely stressful and awful. She wrote several letters, one to me, one to her daughter and father. She said that there was nothing left and that I should let her die, that I was killing her, that I will never be able to look at myself in the mirror without knowing that I had killed her.

 

I told her that if she wants to really kill herself, that she should just go ahead and do it, that it is over.

 

There is still some technical issues that need to be sorted out, such as the place where she is staying belongs to me, the furniture belongs to me, she is dependant on me to transport her to work, up till the 15th of January, after which time I have arranged with someone to car pool her.

 

She broke down totally, but did not kill herself. Yesterday she let me know that she is considering seeing a phsychologist starting in January.

 

So things are looking up at least. My wife and I have also agreed to patch things up. I thank you all for your advice. It gave me the necessary strength to know that what I felt necessary to do was in deed the right decision and it gave me the strength to see, that she is just trying to manipulate me into staying with her.

 

Thank you everyone.

[Rabican]

Good luck... one last thing, not to stick it in and break it off but you put your wife through the ringer pretty bad. Dont expect everything to just fall into place, its gonna be work, lots of trust issues, probably some fighting... if you want to make it work you gotta stick it out. And much like a retail store... the customer is always right, well your wife is always right for the time being. The way I see it, you sort of owe her a few.

[honeyson]

Thanks, I do agree with you. She is a wonderful person. Thats all I can say !

[doyathink]

Wow, I just read this...what an amazing story. I wish you all the best. I hope your wife is able to deal with all of this as well.

[metrogirl]

Well not just your fault, she is equally at fault. She gave the impression that she was going through a nasty divorce, she knew that her husband was/is a violent individual and she suckered you right in. By your description, she is clearly nuts. Her ex raped/rapes her, she is pregnant, she lost the baby, she will kill herself if you don't give in etc... all of this sounds like the ravings of a nut job. You should have stuck by your family, your obligations are to them not to Ms. Nutty Noo. Only you can stop this madness, your family needs you and it sounds like you truly love and miss them. Leave the crazy one alone, go find your family and try to work it out. Hopefully over time, your wife will able to trust in you again. Good luck