This one is for the GUYS, help!

[wonderfulconfusion]

I need advice from guys....

 

My ex and I broke up almost a year ago and throughout the year we would still see each other...and a lot more!

 

I would just like to know how I should interpret certain things. We sleep together atleast once a week and enjoy our company mutually. Ive become very defensive and started playing his game in showing that I dont really care that we sleep together and not share much besides that. It is true that after a few days after we spend the evning together, Ill try and contact him to see if he wants to do something and he'll start talking about another chick...which he will later explain that he is not into at all and knows he isnt really ready for a relationship.

 

OK. So Im not that naive, I know pure sex doesnt necessarily have to mix any feelings or emotions and we are very honnest with one another saying its just for fun and comfort. Yet, obviously I still have feelings for him and im sure he must have some.

 

So guys, my question is, do you think it is purely to take advantage of the situation because I make things easy for him to have "pleasure" or do you think he really is confused (he has money issues, and work issues, needs to work on himself) and wants to make sure I "stay" by him? Am I making sense? We spend really good evening talking about a lot of things and cuddling...

 

I dont know if I want him back really...but I just dont understand why a GUY doesnt tell himself that seeing we get along so well when we see each other (then again I can get aggressive after a few days telling him I feel a little confused about the situation which scares him off) that we can try or he can try and help make things kick off better.... am I maybe not letting him the chance to?

 

PLEASE HELP... if any of you understand... and dont take me for some sexual maniac since i seem to only be basing all this on sex!!

[papalazarou]

Obviously you both have issues at the moment.

 

I really think you should both come clean and agree whether you are in a relationship or not.

 

If you are not then you should try and find someone who is willing to have a relationship.

 

Just my opinion. Speaking as a man...if he getting 'free' sex then he will be quite happy to carry on with this for a very long time so be warned.

[wonderfulconfusion]

I agree...nice and easy for him like I said!

Thank you Papalazarou...

 

Do you think by the fact that he comes back towards me is perhaps a small sign that he still has feelings?

[wonderfulconfusion]

How can i switch the situation for him to realize that a relationship is good then?

 

Otherthan saying no more sex!! Will that already help?

[papalazarou]

Its hard to say which is probably not the answer you are looking for...

 

I can tell you that someone like me would not pass up the opportunity of free sex with someone that I felt attracted to.

 

Whether this means I have "feelings" for them, probably not.

 

If anything he is probably doing it because he knows that he can, I would say thats where NC comes in so you can heal and it will also help him maybe have a moment of clarity.

[4answers]

I was in a similar position once. I parted from a girl because it did not feel right. But like a lot of people who part without a major fall out the feeling for each other are still their but they may have weakened. So the act of sleeping together still feels right and natural.

 

However If you do not know what is gone you do not miss it. He has not lost you so he will not miss you ! He has all the benifits of a relationship with you but not the responsibility or the commitment. He has his cake and eat it.

 

Perhaps a period of No Contact. For you to be able to take a step back and evaluate things.

[wonderfulconfusion]

Papalarazou,

 

Yes but after a year of all this... feelings have to be there....arent there tons of other attractive women out there?

 

I suppose sometime of NC will work!

 

Then again, I dont want to seem brutal but I get a piece of the cake as well...Im not really waiting on him... maybe I am just taking advantage too while the right one comes along!

[4answers]

Who are you trying to convice ! us or you.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but a seperation is hard, you lose the person emotional interest, and the sexual benifits. That is what gives the relationship its value. He has lost none of these and does not have the negative side. So he is more than happy.

 

The thing is though ! Are you happy to continue indeffinatly with this arrangement, something tells me your not, or you would not of asked the question !

[Relationship Coach]

You have allowed him to manipulate you into getting what he wants, sex without a commitment. Either he is striking out or just too lazy to find it elsewhere and that's easy to do when the old stand by is always there and available. You want a relationship but not like this. Tell him the sex part is over and if he wishes to focus on rebuilding a relationship with you it's back to square one. If this sends him running then you know where his sole interests were. If he agrees to give it a go then take it slow. Friends with benefits often gets someone hurt and that someone will probably be you.

 

RC

[4answers]

You have allowed him to manipulate you into getting what he wants, sex without a commitment. Either he is striking out or just too lazy to find it elsewhere and that's easy to do when the old stand by is always there and available. You want a relationship but not like this. Tell him the sex part is over and if he wishes to focus on rebuilding a relationship with you it's back to square one. If this sends him running then you know where his sole interests were. If he agrees to give it a go then take it slow. Friends with benefits often gets someone hurt and that someone will probably be you.

 

RC

I agree 200%

[wonderfulconfusion]

I understand 200% and agree 200% and am VERY aware of all of your wise insight...

 

I just wish I knew if feelings were really there, I wasnt a saint with him either... last night was the first time he asked me to come over...which obviously ended up where it always does!

[Relationship Coach]

Then do as I suggest and tell him it's either rebuild the relationship or abstain for sex with him. You will have your answer, it easier than trying to read tea leaves.

 

RC

[4answers]

Just a thought for you to consider !

 

Imagine your with someone who you had feelings for but for whatever reason those feelings had changed. You like the person, you love the person, but you dont feel in love with the person.

 

Now this person is always available to you, this person is so nice to you (Because they dont want to lose you) This person is available sexualy, so no need to go throught the hardship of lonliness and dating ! Would you change this if it were you ? I know I wouldn't !!!!

 

Please Please dont let me influence YOUR decision, but you know the saying you dont know what you have got till its gone ! Because once it is gone then you reallise the thing that is gone is what you wanted all along.

 

Beware though ! You cannot know his mind, only yours. If you give him an ultimatium it may backfire. !!

 

Perhaps tell him how you feel and what you as a person want from a relationship with him. Then have a period of No Contact.

 

That way he will know what exactly he is losing, and what he wants.

 

If after the agreed period he has not contacted you to reconcile, then you will know that his feelings were not there and that at some point he would of moved on with another and left you hanging !

 

Good luck in your choices. Be aware of the possible consequences of your decisions.

[G0d]

What day of the week are you having sex?

[wonderfulconfusion]

So coach, you suggest I tell him, ok, we've been doing this for a year now, either we stop this game or we start building something correctly? I think Ive tried that and I believe he knew Id be back... ok, im a fool!

 

But pressure isnt good. So Ill let him come back and at that moment Ill tell him hold your horses buddy....

 

Coach, but wouldnt it take time for him first to realize...I mean if I did tell him that I doubt he say ok lets rebuild something....no? It would take time for him to realize is what I mean?

[wonderfulconfusion]

Depends: All the days of the week throughout the year! sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday and sat... no particular day...

Why gOD?

[SuperDave71]

Wonderfulconfusion,

 

 

I say you cut him off all together. I agree with RelationshipCoach BUT.....

 

I believe you have allowed YOURSELF to me USED. You wanted it as badly as he did. One of the main issues is that you have emtional attachment where it is possible HE doesn't.

 

Ever heard the prase "Have your cake and eat it to"....

 

YOU ARE BEING USED! Does sex mean love? NO!!!!

 

NO WAY! 20 bucks says he is stringing the sex along until he find Ms. Right.

 

Stand up for yourself and show him THIS will NOT be tolerated!

 

You are the one that can make this stop. I would be careful if you want more. Gawd only knows how many other women he could POPSSIBLY be doing the same thing with.

 

 

PLEASE be careful....

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[wonderfulconfusion]

4answers, thank you!

The things is Ive tried that, then he'd call casually and say things like take things slow blabla... I think I still have a problem, Im to afraid to want too much too quickly, and it happens because I become aggressive with him... I still need to figure things out... He probably is playing with me knowing im a usful toy for now, indeed though, if i do NC hard core and ignore him, I suppose its the only way that he can miss me and see what heùs missing.

I suppose that since i have already told him we have to stop its this or that and that he'd call anyway casually...he's DEFINETLEY knows my weak spot! Damn!

Ok, so i should stop the sex and do NC without saying anthing maybe no?

[wonderfulconfusion]

Thanks SuperDave...

I must admit I did use the situation to my benefit aswell...but it is really not a healthy situation!

SuperDave...tell how I should proceed to really know his good intentions with all the details on the situation known. He will call casually, do I answer? Do I tell him now enough is enough we're cutting all ties now... how do I proceed gently...

We do have certain ties and we know we enjoy each others company...

I wouldnt be surprised if he saw other women... he actually did tell me though that he would prefer having sex with me than strangers... like I said its honest we know it is just pure enjoyment....

[wonderfulconfusion]

SUPERDAVE,

 

do you not think that if I gave him the chance to miss me he'd "click" on telling himself, "damn, I really liked this girl"?

I know Im making it easy for him....what if I didnt?

You're going to say: he'll probably find someone else... but wouldnt he have done that anyway and not waste time with me if he didnt care?

[4answers]

You are very emotionaly involved in a 50% relationship.. NOT 100%. !!!!

 

A relationship is two people 100% or its one using the other! Now if your happy with that fine ! Dont ask for advice! But if your not, which appears to be the case, then YOU have to make a decision about what is acceptable to YOU and how YOU will be treated in a relationship.

 

Below is information about no contact. It will allow you to step back from the emotional connection and beging to evaluate your life. As well as that of the man.

 

Your not saying to him its over 100%, but you can say its not the relationship you want and you need time apart for you both to consider what relatonship you can / want in the future.

 

Perhaps agree a time period of a month.

 

Your choice, Very hard place your in, best of luck.

 

4answers....

 

 

NO CONTACT.

 

So, you’ve had your heart broken, probably begged and tried to convince your ex to get back together with you and failed. Realising that staying in contact is causing you more pain than you can handle, you take the step of implementing this ‘No Contact’ (NC) that we advocate widely on the forum.

 

So what’s it about then? And what is going to happen?

 

Hopefully, most of the answers will be in this thread

 

What is No Contact?

 

While a seemingly simple question, there are variations of what ‘No Contact’ can mean.

 

1) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you.

2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.

3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)

 

In my opinion, the most effective forms of NC are 1 and 2. They allow you to heal, as the ex isn’t given any way of providing you with hope (bait) or potentially emotionally damaging information (who wants to hear how great their life is without you?)

 

When starting NC, it is up to you what you want to say to your ex. Most people seem to say something along the lines of “Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try”. It might also help to let them know that the window of opportunity to reconcile (from your perspective) will not be open forever.

 

You also may want to tell the ex why your cutting them out of your life – tell them it is so you can heal and move on. And in reality that IS why you’re doing it……

 

 

Why implement No Contact?

 

First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you – it’s as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil.

No Contact allows you to get back on your feet and start to feel confident in who you are again. Remember a time when you were single and happy? Well No Contact is going to put you on the road to getting back to that point.

Some may be reluctant to take steps to regain independence, but you are useless to anyone (including your ex if they want you back) if you are unable to be happy with yourself.

 

No Contact can also serve another purpose, and this is the one that (if you are seeking reconciliation) will probably be used by you as inspiration to keep strong in avoiding picking up that phone or sending that email.

And that is of course, to send your ex a wake-up call and perhaps make them second-guess their decision to end the relationship.

 

 

 

Will No Contact bring my ex back?

 

Perhaps, perhaps not. There is no fool-proof way to get your ex back…if there were, we would all be using it and would all have our exes back.

 

There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your ex – NC will not create that desire, but it may certainly bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface. That does not mean that your ex will act on these doubts…but you can be certain that NC will at the very least make them realise just what life without you is like.

 

 

 

Will my ex miss me?

 

To be honest, it shouldn’t matter – you should be doing NC for YOU. Having said that, it is always easier to stay focussed on maintaining NC if you know that it is having at least some effect on your ex.

So, will they miss you? In most cases (unless you have become a thorn in their side), yes - absolutely.

For those who have exes that want to remain friends: Why do you think that is?

It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”.

They are not ready to let you go (yet), so by implementing NC you are forcing them to lose you right then and there. NC prevents the ex from using you to cushion the blow of the break-up….by weaning themselves off you slowly.

Without NC you can be certain that once your ex is back on their feet emotionally (helped there by you), that the ‘friendship’ that seemed so important to them at the time will be non-existent.

No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker

 

Not exactly rocket science, huh?

 

 

When should I implement No Contact?

 

ASAP but you must be certain that you can stay strong and stick to it. NC isn’t a decision that should be reversed until you are completely healed. If you keep implementing NC and then breaking it, it sends a message to your ex that you are needy and haven’t got the strength or the conviction to follow through on your commitments. Using NC without being genuinely committed to it is a recipe for disaster – you will break it and look weak. And you if you try to use NC again, your ex will not be too bothered….because “You said that last time”.

 

That’s why NC should not be used as a ‘shock tactic’ – don’t expect to implement NC and for your ex to come running back to you in a week or even a month. If you use NC, you have to be in it for the long haul.

 

 

 

 

Will No Contact push my ex away?

 

If there is hope for your relationship, then no it won’t – it will make your ex think about their decision.

After a few weeks of NC, you’ll probably get worried and start deluding yourself with thoughts like “Maybe they’ve forgotten about me…and maybe they think I don’t still love them”.

If that’s the way you’re thinking, then how about considering this: If you have NC with your ex for a few weeks and then contact them to tell you that you still care…what message does that send?

It says to your ex “I implemented NC to move on and heal…and now 3 weeks down the track I haven’t moved on or healed at all.”

The ex will again know that they can still have you if they want you…and even if they don’t hear from you for another few weeks, they won’t be overly concerned – the last few weeks hadn’t diminished your feelings, so why would the ex think the next few will?

Not a bad little (HUGE) security boost for the ex there, huh? Not to mention a huge step backwards for your good self.

 

 

How long will I keep hurting?

 

For as long as you allow yourself to. Remember, the ex is now out of your life – they cannot hurt you. So if you’re still feeling pain it is coming from within you – not from them.

It is perfectly normal to miss your ex, and by miss I mean that some days will be almost unbearable.

Go out, meet with friends (don’t talk about the ex!) or if it’s late at night think about the things you didn’t like about your ex…and even revisit arguments you may have had with them. If you have to think about your ex, think about the negatives.

 

Thinking about the good times is pointless – there is no possibility of having them back at the moment, and to dwell on what you once had is ultimately self-destructive.

 

Ideally, you should be doing your best to not think about your ex – do whatever it takes and keep busy. The less you think about them, the less you will hurt. Soon enough, not thinking about them will become normal.

 

 

What if the ex breaks NC and calls/emails me?

 

Two options: Respond or don’t respond.

 

If you have completely given up hope or don’t wish to reconcile with your ex – ignore the contact and keep ignoring any further attempts at contact. Easy.

 

If you are seeking reconciliation, then it depends on what the ex says when they contact you.

If they are calling for a ‘catch up’, politely tell your ex that you were serious about NC and that they must respect your decision. This call may come after a few days, a few weeks or a few months. Don’t get into any discussions about yourself and what you’re up to – keep it short, and make it clear to your ex that NC isn’t just a whim….you are serious about it. Remind them, if it comes up, that friendship is not an option.

 

Make it clear that you are respecting their decision to end the relationship, and now they have to respect your decision to end contact.

If you are seeking reconciliation, you also have every right to question your ex about their intentions if they contact you. Do so at the beginning of the interaction – there’s no point having a great conversation with the ex and getting your hopes up only to find out at the end of the call that nothing has changed. Save yourself the trouble and find out at the start - if their motivation for calling you is anything short of what you are after, terminate the conversation politely…but quickly.

 

 

Tips

 

Remove any photos and reminders you have of your ex from your life. Put them in a box and pack them away. You don’t need things like that preventing you from moving on.

 

Copy down your ex’s email address and phone numbers on a piece of paper, and put them in the same box. Then delete the email address from your computer and their numbers from your phone.

 

If you are strong enough to delete their contact details without writing them down, then do it! If not, do the above – it will remove the temptation to contact your ex (especially when you are out having a couple of drinks or at home alone in front of the pc ).

 

Stop talking about your ex with your friends. They’ll get sick of it, and it won’t help you one bit.

[wonderfulconfusion]

WAW, I think that was the answer I was looking for. It seems like the best choice. Its hard yes, because we do talk to each other regularly, him telling me his probs at work me telling him about mine blabla.... It isnt really JUST sex...thought Id point that out!

but he needs to realize this and it IS the best choice, for him and for me....

Thank you so much... I needed all that!

Love is complicated! Life is too short to accept things like this.... again thank you all for your time!

[Relationship Coach]

Yes, you are at fault for facilitating his behavior but you want a relationship and I really don't think he does at this point. Your relationship with him needs to be defined and clarified. You can either stay in the rut which you are in or fill this void with something meaningful. You came here because the present direction of this relationship is not what you really want. I think you are afraid of losing what little of him you really have but what of yourself have you lost in this untitled relationship?

 

RC

[wonderfulconfusion]

Coach, you just hit the spot! Thats exactly it!

But then again, I know he always comes back...I shouldnt let him!

I love this place...better than any counselor!

NC then?

[Relationship Coach]

You know what needs to be done, stick to your guns!

 

RC