Automatic thought processes

[Rosey]

First off, thanks for reading. I'm trying to do some soul searching for an issue that's basically been with me since I was 16 (I'm 25 now).

 

Basically, the first guy that I properly "fell in love" with was someone I met over the internet. Due to the medium of online, I became very emotionally intimate with him, and when my parents went away I travelled to London to stay with him for a few days. Anyway, during that time he was very pushy (he was 19, and basically after one thing!), and I just wasn't as interested. I'd never been physically intimate with someone before, but because he was so pushy he got me thinking that I was abnormal in some way, or had issues. He called me names, saying I was frigid, and wanted to know what my problem was, and it seemed that unless I was being physically engaged he would withdraw emotionally.

 

On one level I really wanted to believe the maxim that I had told myself about how if someone doesn't respect me than it's their problem, but on the other my sexual self esteem was wrecked. I didn't sleep with him, and when I got back home he basically told me that I "wasn't what he was expecting" and called it off.

 

Of course, right now I can look back and see that he was an idiot, but ever since I've been afraid of intimacy, and my automatic thought process when I'm interested in someone has been "well, but then they'll be pushy and I'll not want to move as fast, and then they'll break it up with me". I have slept with a couple of people since then, but often it's felt like I'm just doing it to keep them happy, and I've just pretended to enjoy myself.

 

Well as I said, right now I'm 25, and I'm fed up with thinking this way, because I do actually want to enjoy sex and intimacy. I'm with someone now who means alot to me, and we have slept together. I've told him a little about my feelings, and he's concerned about making me feel comfortable, and he has tried to reassure me. I wish I could just turn off the automatic "you have issues" thoughts, and just enjoy myself!

 

So I guess my question is two-fold. Firstly, does it it sound reasonable or completely ridiculous that something that happened so long ago would have such a lasting impact? And also does anyone know any tips that can help in at least trying to just relax and enjoy intimacy?

[sweetheart21]

No it does not sound ridiculous at all! It has obviously affected you, so saying to yourself that it is not important or silly will make the problem worse. Do you feel like you are only having sex with your bf at the moment to please him? If so maybe you should stop having sex until you feel ready. Maybe if there if no pressure on you to do it then you may actually start to want to.

[kadvati79]

No it does not sound ridiculous at all! It has obviously affected you, so saying to yourself that it is not important or silly will make the problem worse. Do you feel like you are only having sex with your bf at the moment to please him? If so maybe you should stop having sex until you feel ready. Maybe if there if no pressure on you to do it then you may actually start to want to.

 

I think that advise makes sense, but practically speaking, I would be really upset if my gf stopped having sex with me because of something that happened in the past. I mean, I would be supportive, but I love sex!

 

I would turn it on its head and say, sex should be about you both having fun. So yes, you should want it. He should want it too. Butlets face it, there are sometimes that sex isnt a big priority (like when im tired or worried about work), and the other one really does, so you do it anyway. I personally don't mind, I'm nearly always up for it even if I'm not really in the mood.

 

I had some similar problems relating to some abuse stuff, and eventually I just worked through it. I learned to see sex as something fun, that I enjoyed, and eventually I became quite good at it once I became comfortable with myself. How did I do that? Practice! It sounds silly, and possibly inappropriate, but the more I had sex the more comfortable I became with it, the less it bothered me, and the better I got at it.

[sweetheart21]

I would be really upset if my gf stopped having sex with me because of something that happened in the past. I mean, I would be supportive, but I love sex!

 

Yes thats true I guess he would get upset if it was for a long time.

But just from reading the original post it sounds like the problem is feeling pressured to have sex. Not that I'm saying your bf is doing that, I just mean you probably feel like if you dont have sex with him he will leave you/call you names etc just like that horrible guy did. So once you see that your bf still cares for you and doesnt leave just because of sex the problem may go away.

 

I saw a married couple on tv a while ago where the wife didnt want sex anymore and that was all the husband could think of and would constantly say it to his wife. They were going to get divorced over it. The husband was told to stop asking for sex/ trying to have sex with the wife. Even if they were kissing it was not allowed to lead to sex. They were only allowed to once the wife wanted to. I think it took about 3 weeks for them. When they came back on the show they were really happy and saying things like we've falling in love all over again & we have sex all the time now & stuff like that.

 

It might be different from your situation though so I dont really know if thats what you should do or not. Just thought I'd add it in case it helps

[Rosey]

Thanks for your replies. I can see the point about practicing viewing it differently, and learning to just relax and enjoy things. Sweetheart21, it's interesting what you were saying. I don't feel pressure exactly, but I suppose part of me does envision scenarios where I for some reason don't feel like it, and getting rejected etc - although I know that this isn't founded in reality as there have been times on my period where my boyfriend has been very happy to lie and cuddle up. Maybe what's going on is a bit like the scenario that you saw on the TV... I wonder if their outcome works in reality too? Something to try at least!