relationship in trouble, am i being stupid here?

[starryeyed]

Hello, for a start thanks to everyone who reads this, im so upset at the moment i really need some advice and some fresh opinions.

 

Ive been in a relationship for over a year and a half now, we are both aged 20.

I will admit outright that i do have some issues with my confidence in myself, i always have done but its really spiralled out of control recently which makes me think i am probably over reacting a lot.

 

I know all men will look at porn at some point but i guess id like to think when they had a girlfriend it was different, i suppose id like to think i could be everything to my boyfriend, which obviously is an impossible and although it unsettled me i knew i should just deal with it when i found out inevitably my boyfriend looked at porn. This was about a year ago or longer. So anyway i did explain to him that it bothered me and i tryed to explain why but i never asked him not to look at it i was just trying to explain...

So anyway after a bit he started telling me about how he 'didnt like that sort of thing anymore' he 'didnt like that it bothered me so he never looked at it anymore' and naively, probably because i wanted to more than anything i believed him and sort of thought i had this amazing boyfriend who did something like that just for me... Its not like he told me this once he told me these things continually on a lot of occasions without any pushing from me.

 

So anyway, dont judge me.. but recently i checked his email. And there was 2 emails from 2 different swingers sites that he had signed up to. It was like being punched in the stomach i was almost sick. Now obviously you cant do much on these sites unless u sign up to pay so he hadnt ACTUALLY done anything as such. But still!!!! I confronted him about it and he admitted he still looked up porn, which hurt in itself cos if he was still going to look at it why tell me all those pointless lies and go behind my back? and WHY swingers sites?

 

His story - he 'came accross' one swingers site with stories, liked the stories. didnt THINK to search just for stories. searched for more swingers sites. u had to sign up to read stories on these swingers sites. so he signed up but they were crap, so he left them. WHY would u search for more swingers sites. one he signed up for didnt even HAVE stories, why go through the bother?! Is it just me being too upset and non-trusting or is that a ridiculous story on why he signed up to 2 swingers sites?!

 

He insists he's sorry and made a mistake and will 'never do anything like that again' and 'has learnt his lesson' blablabla but for the last month or so since i just feel blank towards him. I dont trust anything he says, i cant believe his story and i just feel so so hurt and i feel so stupid for feeling so hurt, im so confused. I feel like im probably being irrational, maybe his story isnt as stupid as it sounds to me right now? maybe its sjut cos im upset? i dunno in my head though he lied to me for no reason other than he thought it'd keep me happy, and then went behind my back thinkin id never know and signed up to SWINGERS sites, now i dunno whether to believe his story of why he was on them or not. i just cant stop thinking about it and its ruining our relationship. sorry ive gone on loads and loads in this post but im so confused.

[RayKay]

Well, for me looking at porn is significantly different then signing up for a swingers site where clearly the purpose is for meeting others interested in hooking up. I certainly would not have ANY tolerance for finding my boyfriend on adult friend finder for example, whilst if he looks at some porn now and then I am quite fine with as long as it does not interfere with OUR intimacy.

 

Now, I cannot really tell you whether he is telling you the truth or not.

I don't know him. I think your reaction is expected given not only did you find this out, but you found out he was lying. That is adding to the hurt.

 

You do need to sit down and talk to him about it though and figure out what YOUR tolerance is and whether you can trust him again..with some effort from his side too of course. If not, it is better to consider parting ways, as a relationship without trust is draining on all involved.

[dogheadma]

This situation is going to require some very open and honest communication between the two of you. You need to sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel about all of this, how you're not sure what to believe at this point, and how him being on these sites is making you feel. The culpability on your side of this is that you snooped. If you want to get answers, you're going to have to come clean on that point and tell him you were snooping and why. He will be mad and will have a right to, you will have to tell him what feelings caused you to do it and hope he will understand. Honesty is the key. The two of you need to work out a mutual understanding on the issue.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Well, I definitely understand your feelings on men wanting to look at porn when they're in a relationship, Starryeyed. It's my own personal request/demand that any man I am in a relationship with doesn't look at porn. That may not be fine for others, but as far as I see it, if a man doesn't want me enough to comply with such a wish, then he can always find a woman who is okay with their men looking at porn.

 

My man gave up his porn (he didn't have an extensive collection or anything) and said he doesn't need it because he has me. Lots of people would scoff. I however choose to believe it because I've found no evidence of it and he never has a chance to look it up anyway. I do believe it is possible for a man to not have to look at porn. I believe it is possible for a man to have a fulfilling sexual life without having to look at porn. Porn didn't exist 100 years ago and men survived just fine. It's nothing but a modern novelty, it's not a need.

 

I'd be even more concerned that he chooses to email "Swinger" sites. Sounds like he's trolling for real women, not just jpeg images.

[BornToResist]

I'm sorry but that whole excuse "I just did it to read the stories" is a load of crap and the oldest one in the book.

 

You have every reason to be upset that your bf was on swinger sites. I went through that and it hurts like hell. I didn't trust my bf farther than I could throw him and our relationship was terrible at that point, so I had no remorse in reading his emails...but why did you? Was your relationship rocky before you found these swinger sites...?