forgiveness?

[bitbit]

i've never forgiven anyone who has ever hurt me deeply. growing up in a turbulent household filled with abuse and anger, i never got an appology from either parent for the things they subjected me to-- so appologies have come to mean nothing to me. i'm a self- soother and i just push things down and away from my daily thoughts. my boyfriend revealed to me an infidelity that took place early on in our relationship about 5 months ago that hurt me deeply. i decided to try and work through it b/c i love him and the relationship has been amazing aside from that, so we've been going to counseling. after yesterday's session, i've realized i'm past the denial, i'm past the revenge, i'm past not being able to think about it without wanting to throw up, but i'm still angry at him. however, i feel as though i'm now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. i don't know what forgiveness is, nor what it feels like... so i think i'm on the verge of it-- but i'm not quite sure. i want to tell him i'm close to forgiveness but i don't want to misinform him. our counselor told me yesterday that forgiveness is basically accepting his appology. is this right? how do i know i'm ready to forgive? is it possible if i'm still angry and the trust is still weak?

[onelittleladybug]

Hi there - I just saw this and thought I'd give my 2 cents:

 

I don't think that forgiveness is something that comes in a flash. For me it happens gradually over a long period of time. For me trust is something that you get for free in the beginning of a relationship and then it grows. When its betrayed I personally feel that the person who betrayed needs to make a huge effort to earn it back. It sounds like your boyfriend is working on that by doing counseling with you etc. I definitely think you deserve all the time you need to get there and that he needs to be patient with you. However, once you do get there I think you have to let go and not look back. Just wipe the slate clean and move on. BUT if he ever cheats again you walk away and don't look back.

[bitbit]

yea... i know... but sometimes i want to tell him i've forgiven him b/c yesterday in counseling just by me saying some of the things i've noticed that have changed about him we came to the conclusion that he hasn't yet forgiven himself for hurting me so badly and he is subconsciously punishing himself for breaking my trust. i don't want him to feel like a failure every day of his life. i can see his side of things now, when before i wasn't able to see anything but my pain. i can see how much he's trying to make me feel better about our relationship and myself when before i didn't care enough to look. i think knowing he's hurting and he's mad at himself has helped me feel like my feelings have been validated.

[jimthzz]

forgiving someone does not mean you set yourself up for future episodes either.

 

What i mean is that you can move past what he did, but it usually takes more than a few months. It can take years. And those years cannot be unexamined years where returning to old habits is the norm.

 

You will never have the blind trust of a new love ever again. That's pretty much off the table.

 

and he has to be accountable for his time and things on the internet too.

[bitbit]

haha i snoop in everything that belongs to him-- his email, his myspace, his facebook, his phone... even his pockets sometimes... and i never find anything. he lets me do it so i can have peace of mind... but i know at some point it's going to have to stop. sometimes... i get worried if i haven't heard from him... but when i call and ask he never minds the questions. he made a mistake b/c he wasn't sure of our relationship and while i would have never done anything like that to anyone, regardless of the state of the relationship, i think i accept that he's a different person than me and he made a mistake. i'm still mad as hell though.... she's way uglier than me and she's terrible in bed (his words, not mine), however shallow that sounds, it's a blow to my ego. i don't see the sense and it is almost insulting that we had a very active, satisfying sex life and he cheated on me... but he says it wasn't about the sex.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Then what was it about then?

 

And girl I don't blame you for reacting as you do now. I've had the same done to me and still wouldn't understand their motives as to why. As far as I see it, any excuse is just that; an excuse. It's unacceptable behavior in my eyes.

[bitbit]

Then what was it about then?

 

he was confused about the state of our relationship and he was in a long term relationship with her (4 years) and she was the one initiating everything between them... which he complained that i never did. i'm convinced she only did it to get back at me for taking him.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

he was confused about the state of our relationship and he was in a long term relationship with her (4 years) and she was the one initiating everything between them... which he complained that i never did. i'm convinced she only did it to get back at me for taking him.

 

Probably; some girls around our age can be quite malicious. They still have what I call that "high school mentality."

 

I'm curious about the counseling; did he readily agree to go? What sort of things do you discuss in counseling? Do you feel it's making a progress any, at all? Just wondering, because I've wondered if my fiance and I should go to counseling to work through our issues. The fact that he is making an effort to go to counseling with you is a good sign, I feel.

[mikeca]

i love this quote not sure where its from..:

 

"To error is human, to forgive, devine"

[bitbit]

Probably; some girls around our age can be quite malicious. They still have what I call that "high school mentality."

 

I'm curious about the counseling; did he readily agree to go? What sort of things do you discuss in counseling? Do you feel it's making a progress any, at all? Just wondering, because I've wondered if my fiance and I should go to counseling to work through our issues. The fact that he is making an effort to go to counseling with you is a good sign, I feel.

 

this girl is ridiculous... she's two years older than both me and him and her parents still call her "princess". that pretty much sums up her behavior. she demanded expensive gifts from him.. all that nonsense.

 

umm the counseling... he told me whatever i needed to help me get by or feel better he would do. that's why he doesn't mind my snooping. in counseling, we don't really discuss the actual infidelity....it's more like our every day fights. we had to set goals for ourselves to work towards and every session we try and do just that. we work through the smaller fights in order to help us solve bigger problems by improving our communication skills. i've always heard that every couple should go to counseling every once in a while to prevent problems from arising. it helps you realize things about yourself and your partner that you normally don't-- b/c you have an objective person watching you argue, in a sense, and they pin point your problems. we didn't even know we had a communication problem until we went.

[bitbit]

i love this quote not sure where its from..:

 

"To error is human, to forgive, devine"

 

i'm working on seeing him as human. it's hard when i still don't accept the reason for the infidelity.

[bitbit]

forgiveness is a hard thing even harder for the person who wants to be forgiven... i mean with my ex i been looking for her forgiveness for treating her badly but she made it clear that i will never get it even after i told her i regret and feel bad about.. what i have done..

 

i think what really made me realize that i was close to forgiving him was realizing that he hadn't forgiven himself for what he's done. him knowing and understanding the severity of this to me has helped a lot. if i need to ask him questions (b/c of the lack of trust) or just need to cry... he's very patient.

[silentalways]

hi bitbit,

just wanted to mention that when u posted...

 

"i think what really made me realize that i was close to forgiving him was realizing that he hadn't forgiven himself for what he's done"

 

that i think that is a huge step for both of u. recognizing that sometimes people do things that hurt loved ones and that when u can move beyond yer hurt, and blame, and see how both are hurting - well, personally, i think you both will make it and be stronger now. my advice is only this - now u feel this way, don't wait too long to talk about this with him because time will allow for over analyizing. i think u both sound in the right 'head space'.

 

as strange as this sounds, this is a good thing. many couples never see what u both have so be proud of that fact. i wish u both much happiness.

[bitbit]

thanks so much