Why does power play affect me like this?

[turqoise]

I wonder if this is just my personality.

I just want to ask whether it`s normal to feel so deeply pained when I even hear about power against helpless people?

 

I mean, it`s so bad, that I`ll dwell on it for hours to days without stopping, my heart pumps, I feel panic. Thiings like:

-I couldn`t visit haulocaust camps; just imagining it was so unbearable I thought I would throw up. Same panic when I watched movies like the Shawshank Redemption, Schindlers List, One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest- I feel like screaming at the end.

-When I hear about children being abused or killed by parents on the news, I imagine the kids giving love to the people they trust most and wanting it back, only to be abused.

-When POWs are abused by officers, or treated inhumanely; deliberate abuse.

-The guy I last went out with was abused as a child, and was a cutter - it made me feel the same panic, extreme sadness and just wanting it all not to have happened. I even think that maybe what I imagined was worse that what he actually experienced...

 

basically, yeah, when people in a position of power use it to abuse those who aren`t. It sets me in a panic, to the point that I can`t concentrate on anything. It`s not just sadness or concern - it`s like something gets torn up inside and I want to scream at someone. But I can watch action films, murder mysteries, war footage without problem.

 

Why does it affect me so badly? How do I deal with it?

Thanks

[honeyspur]

My only guess would be you experienced a similar injustice as a child - just nothing along the proportions of the Holocaust, so maybe you don't give it much consideration?

Or perhaps you witnessed someone close to you being abused, but it seems like nothing compared with the events that send you into panic.

 

I may be wrong, but perhaps it's time to focus on you and deal with whatever you have avoided about your own life.

 

Panic attacks in many ways are a distraction your brain sets off to protect you - even if it's from your own thoughts.

Facing these panics and going through them until you become desensitized is usually the road to recovery.

[MythicDawn]

It affects me the same way, to a less degree. I was molested as a child, not severely but enough to scar me mentally for the rest of my damn life.

 

So perhaps you did have something happen to you, which causes you to react in this way... I'm not sure, same some time out to think about your life, you past and what has happened in your life.

 

Maybe you'll discover something.

Take Care.

[GeneralLee]

You are whats known as a good person. Don't be ashamed of it. You respond to more heavily than most, but thats ok. I'm the same way, except with animals. I cannot stand seeing or hearing about animals being abused.

[Blue Dreamer]

I agree with honey. I think at some point in your life, you went through an experience or maybe multiple experiences which you have essentially latched on to. #1 goal -- You must work on not allowing yourself to be overcome by these situations. You have these feelings as a result of your own past experiences.

Just an example of helplessness. My friend directs at the humane society in Tucson and Ive seen enough suffuring to be come accustomed to the suffering of animals. At first, it was tough, but realized its a part of life. I held strong a few months ago when I went to appraise a home and found out it was a shelter for dogs which nobody would take. All this house was was a place for blind dogs, three-legged dogs, dogs nobody wanted, etc. It served as a home for dogs thousands of dogs that nobody would accept into their own homes. Really sad to see all those dogs there because no on would adopt them. I got through it though as I realize thats a piece of life. Same goes for human suffering.

 

Its normal for peeps to have the experiences youre describing if they have been raised in an mostly/entirely different environment that did not include as you describe. With respect to people, many with power do what they can to take advantage of those without power, generally money driven. Its not right, but its a part of life. The key is to understand that and use that understanding to your advantage, not let it get you down.

 

Its a fear like any other fear. You deal with it by facing the experiences which intimidate you head on and ultimately learning to accept them and learn/grow from them. Will build your confidence. Best of luck to you.

[dil]

I get haunted by war atrocities.... I can't watch war films without getting depressed.

 

you're a sensitive and kind soul, that's all.

[Survictor]

I too get all fired up. This power play happens all over.. at work, at school, in the family etc. It may be minor or tragic. You can identify because we havee all been victims to some extent. Very often the priveliged take advantage of people less so than themselves. It is a weakness.

 

I am sure you have faced similar injustices from time to time and this is why you empathise and perhaps also feel anxious as a result.

[turqoise]

thanks everyone.

I had a think about what honey, mythic and shiz said...it`s only something that I`m still piecing together but wonder if something as personal as this could actually have anything to do with it. I don`t know, the scale just seems too different but here it is,

I have an almost subconscious fear of my parents, and disobeying them. I`ve never thought of it as anything to worry about; I thought it was normal, as they were quite authoritarian. I find it hard complying with their requests but also feel very nervous if I don`t. I`m in my 20s, back living with them; my mum likes to take charge of the house - she still says things like: `You should go to bed now.` If I comply, I don`t get to take control of myself, but if I don`t comply, I fear her getting angry and her having a low opinion of me. So even now I find myself doing many things out of fear rather than because I want to.

...that`s the closest thing I could think of. Does it have relevance, or maybe I`m just trying to associate something that doesn`t really have much to do with it. (If it does, how should I face it?)

[honeyspur]

It makes complete sense.

Now you are entering official adulthood - and, technically, you must start taking control.

Yet - your parents still do. I understand that - because I'm 33 and my mother rents a room out of my house. My idea of course, but after 12 years of that, it's time for her to move.

It was time a long time ago - but I was scared our relationship would vanish because my mother is very distant emotionally.

 

But what is more important, I see this now, is that I needed to gain control of my life - including making sure our relationship stayed close.

It was MY responsibility, see? I made it hers by taking the easy way out and offering to have her pay cheap rent in my new house. This locked me into a power play with my mother that began to drive us apart anyway!

 

What i'm saying here is, you need to take the scary leap and stand your ground. You have to face your mother when she's angry. You have to face it turquoise! Or it will always be an issue.

My feeling is, if you fear your mother being angry - you fear others getting angry and hide a great deal of who you are and what you want.

So it's not just a fear of your parents - it's a fear of a lot people.

It's time to start getting used to speaking out. It's time for boundaries to be placed and I suggest starting with someone other than your parents.

Your friends, aquaintances, work, school - start saying things you keep to yourself - suggesting new things to do that you've kept quiet - getting rid of anything you've "kept" for someone ELSE'S sake - - - - - getting angry out loud when you feel it - even if you are alone.

 

This is possible turquiose - but it's going to take practice. Practice every day - facing this every day - tell someone you know what change you are undergoing - do not fear how blunt it may sound.

People do not connect through mutual success - they connect through mutual tragedy. You may be surprised how many people in your life will understand.

[turqoise]

Thank you for your post and advice. Well, I guess there is a link then.

I`ve been doing things that would usually provoke a response from my parents and I think they understand that I`m trying to get over this fear of them, though its probably not the best way, as my heart just ends up beating nervously, worried about when they`ll say something. I`m not exaclt sure how else I can face my mother`s anger...

 

I`m at home most of the time, partly because I`m not supposed to work while I`ve been recovering fro depression, and partly because of this new fear of people that has emerged. It makes me more nervous to see old friends because of how they would judge me for how quiet, superficial or uninteresting I`ve become so I`ve avoided seeing anyone apart from family.

So I`m not sure how to make new friends without feeling pressured. That`s partly why I come to this site regularly at the moment. During the day, I`m getting more and more restless, yet still feeling fearful.

 

I`ll try to notice my feelings and act on them rather than let other people`s opinions smother them. Like with what I have to eat or what I want to do on a particular moment. What do you mean by this: ?

 

start saying things you keep to yourself - suggesting new things to do that you've kept quiet - getting rid of anything you've "kept" for someone ELSE'S sake

[honeyspur]

It just means start making your mark. As you stated, you feel you've become quiet and shut down. But the great exciting personality is lying dormant. You just need to wake up.

 

Getting over the fear of speaking out has to be practiced, meaning you will not succeeed at first. Or you will try some new behaviour and not feel good at first. But practice means riding through that storm. It means becoming adjusted to change.

 

The reason I mentioned getting rid of stuff you have kept for other people's sake, is just in case this is a habit with you - if it's not - don't sweat it.

But it's common for people who are feeling as you are, to be weighed down emotionally and physically - not just with feelings, but with things. Things that you've "inherited" (ex: a whole set of china from a distant relative that you personally don't care for, but is important to your parents). If the thing is important to whoever, tell them you are getting rid of clutter and do they want this back - it's not really your style.

I'm not saying get rid of gifts you might not like - although there is no crime in that either - but I see how debateable that is.

Like I said, if you aren't loaded down with stuff like this, don't worry about it - it's just an element that comes with the territory sometimes.

 

All this is building the strength and personality you feel slipping away. Tell your friends what you feel like doing, go out alone and do things that please you so you have interesting stuff to chat with people about, digyour heels in and stand strong against your mother. Just be gentle with her - that is how you handle an angry person. Anger is also about fear - your mother is probably afraid of change.

[turqoise]

I think I see what you`re saying. I`m sure I have a ton of stuff that I don`t need physically and emotionally. I was thinking about it after reading your post, and it`s actually quite hard to distinguish out things I have that I really think is me. Especially seeing as in Japan, where my parents are from, it`s really important to think about others` before yourself, and not be me me me all the time. I guess I have to find myself first, then figure out where I can happily place myself in terms of this.

I don`t remember having my own strength or personality most of my life, then I realised a couple of years back, that I didn`t know who I was; I didn`t know what other people saw when they saw me. So looking for it, it`s going to be interesting what comes out.

Thank you, I really appreciate everything you`ve said. It`s quite mindblowing how my initial post linked back to something like this!