Am I An Evil Step Mother?

[v8vachon]

ok, I know being a step-parent automatically puts me in a category of being evil. I feel like I have given everything to my 11 yr old step daughter. Her mother is a low life who could care less what grades she has or if she gets pregnant at 12 yrs old.. and here I am , I step in the picture and now in my househould we have rules, discipline, direction and love.Love absolutely means that I will ask how your day went.. so shy do i get a " mind your own business" attitude when I ask questions.

Love absolutely means I am going to ask you to pick up your stuff off the floor and make your bed. so why do I get a "roll my eyes at you" attitude then?

Her father is my husband and he is very active in her life, but there are some things that dont bother him as a man that bother me.. as a woman. I am tired of picking up after her and tired of being an ATM machine for her. She is so nice and sweet when we buy her things and do what she wants but when it's time for tough love and guidance. She gives off this absolutely unacceptable attitude that makes me feel like giving up on her. Although I cant, It just hurts me. HELP!

[blueangel]

You can't control relationships. When my stepmom was alive, I remember wishing that she and everyone else around me would stop being fake and phony about the situation. I couldn't see how they could be happy (since I wasn't)

 

I just wished that one day, she would have sat by me and said,

"I understand this is tough for you...this transition. So many things in life happen that we don't always like. I want to make this easy for you. I want to be here as a friend. I'm not trying to take over you or take the role as a complete parent... after all, I'm only your father's wife, not your real mom. I don't want to be your real mom- you already have that. I know. What I want is to know how you feel- the good and the bad. Trust me, I also know how it feels to be alone. I really don't want you to be that." Then smile, look into her eyes- LISTEN. Children have deeper feelings and thoughts than you seem to realize. In fact, I felt the MOST anxiety/depression when I was at that age. The years following I got rebellious but then mellowed out.

 

Oh, wow- I almost cried writing that dialect piece. It strikes a cord in me because it's something I wanted, but none of the adults in my life could be real and caring with me or take care of me EMOTIONALLY. They just expected me to go along with them. What they didn't realize is that I didn't know how. I think that is what your stepdaughter is going through.

 

Put yourself in her position. She doesn't have social skills that great so she's putting up a guard. You have years of social experience. She also doesn't feel secure. You've had years to build that up in yourself. She's only starting NOW.

[avman]

Your husband and you must present a united front to his daughter. At 11, she's going to test you, push the boundaries, be defiant, and just generally do what 11 year old girls do. She'll also play you and your husband off each other if she can get away with it.

 

Talk to your husband about why this hurts you and what limits you want to set for your household together. Then the two of you together need to sit down with his daughter and lay it out what the expectations are, and that she is to give you respect in your own house. You can't force her to like you or be happy about the rules, but you can enforce respect.

 

After that, it's up to both you and your husband to be consistent about enforcing the household rules and disciplining her if you need to.

[avman]

Oooh and blueangel also has a fantastic perspective and wonderful insight on this.

[v8vachon]

Thank you blueangel and Avman for such great words.

I've told her before that I am not trying to be her mom. I know blueangel how you felt as a child. I was a stepchild also and I HATED my stepdads...every boyfriend my mother brought home was an enemy to me, I saw them as wanting to take the only person I had.. my mom. I never let them in and always tried to break them apart(subconsciously) but I trully do love this child. Her father and I have a daughter (2 yrs old )together. we try so hard to be a happy family. I just feel like giving up sometimes. She is so non chalant about life that it makes me sick. i just want to shake her. i know I cant give up on her and nor do i want to. maybe someday she will see how I really did care and that is why being involved in her life means so much to me.

Her mom sent her to live with us because she has a new boyfriend and frankly is never home to take care of her. (NICE!!)

[melrich]

Yeah, step parenting is tough but I have to say I disagree somewhat with the advice of the others on this one. Does she llive with you? How long have you and her father been together?

 

So my advice would be tempered by your answers to those questions somewhat but here goes.

 

To your step daughter you are the other woman, you are competition for her dad, you have come along and displaced her mom (this is from her perspective right? I'm not saying any of this is true).

 

She doesn't see that you have or should have any authority over her and she totally resents that you do. One thing I do agree with is that you and hubby have to be united. But he has to be seen to be the main one setting teh rules and enforcing them with her. This is the almost universally agreed approach wuth pre-teen and teenage step children. The natural parent must accept most of teh responsibility for the rules and the discipline.

 

Where you have to be united is that you and hubby need to discuss what those rules and what that discipline is going to be. Then HE has to be the enforcer.

 

Right now you are the tough one and hubby is a softy. She knows that well. And not only has she not accepted that you have any real authority with you but she perceives the rift on this matter between the 2 of you and I bet she plays it for all it's worth.

 

This will be a hard thing for you to do because I get the sense that you are an ordered person who likes an ordered household. But believe me, if you don't get it right between you and hubby, if he does not start to become the disciplinarian in her life it's going to get a whole lot worse.

[blueangel]

Okay, I think I understand more than about your situation.

 

Her mom's lifestyle and choices probably has affected her. The perspective she sees through is one she's been taught (as we all have in our own ways) If one person in your life goes, "I dont care" suddenly a new option comes up in your mind. "I dont have to care either then" and in the times she feels insecure or unable to know how to take your love, your world, she will resort to taking that option. It's a way of separating herself from her pain. Remember: older children are pained easily (as you were) and scarred a little longer than younger children are. They also do not have the skills to deal with it always healthily. They are not as aware as an adult is.

 

Focus on getting to know her before you "change" her. Right now, she's learning to piece together what things in life are secure- at least for HER. It will be a while before she sees parents as something secure again. Where trust should be, resentment and anger has taken over in parts of her heart. It can take years to go through the adjustments of a parental situation changed... or it can take a second, one moment of warmth, of giving her a place of respect within the home. You have confirmed her role (her new "option") everytime you react to it as though how she acts is who she is (and nothing deeper). Treat her as your equal for a day. Pretend like she is the younger you. What would you do? Only you can know.

 

Sometimes, all it takes is the alteration of your approach. Will you be kinder or more aggresive? Will you show you understand through your words or react to her like she's just an alien teenager? Will you be angry before you are gentle? However you are, you will teach her to be also... in some way, in some form.

[v8vachon]

Melrich..her father and I have been together 5 years.. she has known me as dad's friend.. when we were just friends, she's known me as dad's girlfriend when we were dating.. and now I am step mom. she's has plenty of time to adjust and so have i. she lived with her dad for a yr, went back to her mom in another state.. and her grades went downhil.. so after a few months.. now she is back. but i think those few months with her mom just made her take 10 steps back.

Blueangel.. thanks.. I will try harder to back off and be softer. But you know, I have feelings too.. and they get hurt.. just like hers.. and when you ghive and give and you get pooped on.. even by an 11 yr old.. it comes a time when you just wanna throw your hands in the air and say SCREW IT!

If I let her.. she will watch TV ALL DAY, so I am evil for telling her to read a book!... go to the playground, color, paint.. all she wants to do is WATCH VIDEOS and NICKELODEAN! She has no desire to live! no desire to LEARN! No desire to fly! I feel so sad inside for her and when I try to show her something different.. she looks at me like I am crazy!

[v8vachon]

I agree and acknowledge that her father has to be the enforcer and the main RULE setter.. thanks for that insight!

[blueangel]

To your step daughter you are the other woman, you are competition for her dad, you have come along and displaced her mom (this is from her perspective right? I'm not saying any of this is true).

 

She doesn't see that you have or should have any authority over her and she totally resents that you do.

 

This is totally true whether it is right or wrong. In a way, you have to either force your authority, grow it over time, get her father more involved in that aspect, or simply EARN it. Earning it is complicated and it goes along with how you relate yourself to her in this setting and how close you get to her over matters of the heart. Basically, it's natural instinct to want to step back when she pushes, but if you keep stepping forward lovingly (joke as you ask her for something, say it smiling> little ways to make her feel at ease and less awkward), sooner or later, a wall will break and you WILL have a relationship. This takes longer but it is more effective than the other ways I listed.

[blueangel]

Blueangel.. thanks.. I will try harder to back off and be softer. But you know, I have feelings too.. and they get hurt.. just like hers.. and when you ghive and give and you get pooped on.. even by an 11 yr old.. it comes a time when you just wanna throw your hands in the air and say SCREW IT!

If I let her.. she will watch TV ALL DAY, so I am evil for telling her to read a book!... go to the playground, color, paint.. all she wants to do is WATCH VIDEOS and NICKELODEAN! She has no desire to live! no desire to LEARN! No desire to fly! I feel so sad inside for her and when I try to show her something different.. she looks at me like I am crazy!

 

You are making a fool of yourself in these actions. Let her be when it comes to matters of interest. Try to join in on whatever SHE'S doing so she's not alone. I used to watch TV all the time and it was used as a release or escape. It's understandable. Also, she's young. Her mind isn't as ambitious as yours. It is simply learning and taking in what it sees.

 

She may still feel uncertain of herself in your home so she pulls away from you and everyone in it. She's probably been through a lot. Respect that. Stop trying to control her (however happily you seem to act as you do). We respond to those that interest us or are like us. Maybe before she goes to sleep at night, sit by her and talk to her a little. Build that up over time

 

Ever think that she can't wait for the second she will see her mom again? No matter how rocky a mother is with her daughter, the bond is greater there than it is between the father and daughter. The poor girl sounds really homesick like there's nothing for her there at your house. You have to show her that there is something. Talk to her about her feelings someday- open it up in a gentle manner. There's a way to work people- you just can't give up. You have to mainly take control of yourself and how you act (not so much the other way around)

[melrich]

I agree and acknowledge that her father has to be the enforcer and the main RULE setter.. thanks for that insight!

 

Yeah it really is important and you biggest challenge I think will be managing hubby through it. I really do get your frustrations on this. I've been through it myself.

 

At the end of the day you can either continue what you are doing or change things up. I did months and months of research on this and the one universal thing that kept coming up was the natural parent is responsible for the tough stuff.

 

Your responsibility is to develop a relationship wuith her, not as a mother replacement but your own relationship. And that is really hard because with kids the bonds go deep and despite the fact that you have known her for a longish time, it doesn't sound as though you guys have really bonded.

 

So I'd prescribe handing over the discipline and you and your step daughter start to get some shared experiences under your belt. Just the 2 of you. It will be really hard for the first 6 months or so. You will have to bite your tonguer and have a lot of discipline but the pay off will be the reward. Hopefully you will get the relationship you want with her by the time she is 13, not when she is 22.

[v8vachon]

I understand your point Blueangel...I just wonder how many times I can "nicely ask" to stop littering in my car.... or how many times I can "nicely ask" to clean up her space... and what KILLS me is .. I get the same response weather I ask nicely or not.. she walks away as though she doesnt hear me, she rolls her eyes or she answers mm mm..

i agree that if her father does not inforce any rules... she will continue tto test me and disrespect me. she's had problems in class for doing the same to teachers.. talking back and rolling her eyes. Her father works long hours so i am mostly with her.. I just dont want to see her go down teh drain.. like her mother. I just dont know if i have enough stregth in me to put up with her crapp .. how long before I harden up and stop caring, if that's possible at all.

[v8vachon]

Melrich.. it's really weird.. there are times when I feel like we are bonding.. and there are times when I think.. yikes.. she HATES me!

I take her everywhere with me, she wants to run errands with me..she likes when i take her to see a movie she likes, or roller skating.. but 2 days later.. she forgets what i did.. and I am the evil witch again. yesterday she wanted to experiment and make a new dish she saw on TV.. I made it for her..she was so happy she had 3rds. Today .. she hates me.

[melrich]

I just wonder how many times I can "nicely ask" to stop littering in my car.... or how many times I can "nicely ask" to clean up her space... and what KILLS me is .. she walks away as though she doesnt hear me, she rolls her eyes or she answers mm mm..

 

Actually that sort of stuff happens whether you are a step-parent or natural parent. I think in those sorts of cases you really have to pick your battles. I'd be inclined to take the view that her room is her room. You'd be surprised how fussy kids can become when they have to live in mess. Leave it a couple of weeks. She'll clean it up eventually. Right now she knows it drives you crazy. Sometimes you have to just switch off the way you like things done. It is easier to drop your responsibility on minor things like this than bigger issues.

 

Try ignoring her room for a few weeks. She'll get the message I promise you.

[melrich]

Melrich.. it's really weird.. there are times when I feel like we are bonding.. and there are times when I think.. yikes.. she HATES me!

There is no way she hates you. AT the end of the day you would be surprised how much kids actually perceive about who cares and who doesn't, how much they really WANT boundaries. What she may hate about you is that you are not her mom. And I mean that in the sense that she may wish you were. ANd so you become a traget for what she sees as her not so perfect family. But not a target in teh way that you think.

 

She knows how to push your buttons and I sense you take the bait every time. She knows what sort of relationship she wants with you but she feels she is betraying her mom so she is conflicted. There are so many complexities going on in the head of an 11 year old. At the end of the day, you have to keep telling yourself she is 11 and it is not her fault. She is being forced to deal with very adult issues.

[v8vachon]

SIGH.. It feels so nice to vent! So many times I am on here giving my view and advice.. but it's just as nice to be heard with my own battle. Thank you all for taking the time to read me and love on me..per say.

I really do feel like I am getting some answers. Maybe I am not evil after all, it's so hard, sometimes I feel it's unfair to me.. but I realize how unfair it must feel for her as well. I will hug her tonite.. as i usually do.. but this time I will mention" I know how hard it must be for you" I promise it will get better. and I will have a talk with my husband about rules he must inforce and what bothers me.

[blueangel]

People can transform though if they want to. She needs the type of guidance that will gain her understandings of life and of herself. Basically, when someone has behavior problems, it is because they are LOST. A child lost is what you are seeing. You have to look past her attitude in the moments to get to the soul within... who sees and feels and knows a lot. Maybe she feels she knows too much already and in these spaces of realization, grows resentment. She honestly can not be thankful for anything because she keeps growing this way. Only love, real love, can face this type of anger.... so you must not give into your own. There's a point that discipline can cross into plain intolerance. This is rising in you about everything she is and you judge her so. Perhaps try being the one in her life who does not judge her, instead- understands her, and helps her by trying to learn what is inside...and since moods change from second to second, there's a lot going on inside her. Can you give the type of interest to stick around and stay secure yourself when the storm inside her shows? (the storm inside that FOR NOW cannot be easily tamed? on the outside, she appears to want her own way, but deeper than that, of course she wants to be loved and to get along. She's just trapped in her inability to communicate these needs)