Having Problems with Joint Custody...

[n83]

Hey everyone, I could use some advice right now...

 

My son's dad and I get along pretty well and share joint custody of our 3 year old son. Every time his dad comes to pick him up though, my son refuses to go with him and says things like, "Daddy I don't want you, I want to stay here with mommy!" or he will actually make up excuses to stay at my place ("Well I have to eat dinner now so I can't go") .. or else he'll just throw himself on the ground whimpering...

 

It's hard for me to force him to go. In fact I never do that. I tell his dad to stay at my place on my couch, which he doesn't mind doing, but I know it hurts him that our son doesn't ever want to go with him. The next day he's usually less angry about having to go, but not always. It's hard for his dad and I to force him to go because as it is, he gets juggled between three different places; my apartment, his dad's place, and my parents' place (they have him two nights a week).

 

Anyways, I don't know if I should be forcing him to go to his dad's when he doesn't want to. Most of the time his dad ends up staying over. Like I said before, he doesn't mind, but I know it's hard for him. Should I just force my son to go with his dad even if he's screaming and putting up a fight? Or are his dad and I doing the right thing by letting him get his way sometimes?

[robowarrior]

Well, his dad has shared custody over the child, because there is a court order behind it things could get ugly if you don't handle this in a proper way.

 

Imagine the (worst case scenario) son doesn't go with his dad, , dad goes to the court saying you aren't allowing him to see his son, and have been 'badly influencing' your child by telling rubbish about him, the court gets involved and takes your custody away from you.

 

You always have to remember you have a legal thing on your sleeve, so caution is to be used. You need to find out what the rules are around custody at the place where you live. If you figured them out, then you can state on a legal basis wether the child is allowed to continue to stay with you. With that knowledge you can hopefully and safely let the child continue to stay at your home, however.

 

I think you need to sit down with your sons dad, and communicate. Because if the child really doesn't want to go, i think its unwise to apply force. Within reasonable limits and rules you want your child to live a happy life, if you are forced to be with someone you dislike, would that make you happy? Certainly not, although i do not want to condemn the presense of this man, in your life.

 

I think it all boils down to that your sons dad has the right to see his son. If he can stay over at your place without a considerable problem between the two of you, and all goes well,i don't see why not? he can get his right and part of the custody ,wether he gets that right at his own house, or your house is in terms of custody unimportant, as long as he gets what the court says he has right to claim on. That way your son won't be forced, and all three of you could get your way. That is if you all can come along with eachother at the time of custody.

 

I personally would (and that is determined between the bond you have with the ex) tolerate him at the house if he acts within reason, and give him his right. I again wouldn't force the son if i didn't have to. But if things are really ugly between you two you'll unfortunately have to force him because he is legally in his right. So for me as long as tolerable conditions between the two of you exist, i would not apply force and let them all stay at your place.

[n83]

Hey Robo thanks for the response

His dad and I get along really well for the most part. It's not at all an issue that he would take me to court and accuse me of denying him his custody rights.. I have actually given him MORE time than the courts have because I think it's really important that he doesn't just show up once a week, take him for a night, and disappear. His dad also comes over just to have dinner with us and stuff like that.

 

He also doesn't want to force my son to go if he doesn't want to; he's just sad that our son pushes him away a lot, tells him to go away, tells him that he wants to be with me and not him, etc.

 

I don't know if we are making the problem worse by allowing him to stay here when he demands it, or if we're doing the right thing by letting him stay when he adamantly doesn't want to go. Last night his dad stayed over here because of the fussing and all that, but this morning he took him without much of a problem. In our minds it's just that giving him a sense of control will be beneficial to him long term, rather than making him feel like he has no say in where he goes.. but are we making it worse?? I dunno

[avman]

It is very common for kids that age to have a favorite parent. All my kids did the same thing. Two preferred my wife, one preferred me. It can be really hurtful at first but I talked to other parents and they said the same thing. It's a phase and they grow out of it.

 

I think for now what you are doing is the right thing. Since you and his father get along and cooperate, then you both seem to be doing what is right for your son. Give it some time and eventually your son will get past this and be more willing to go with his dad right away.

 

You might try taking your son over to his fathers place, spending an hour or two there, and then leaving. I realize that might make for a scene when you try to leave, but at least it's another option you could try. Get him involved in playing with dad or having dad read to him and then just say goodbye quickly and exit.

[n83]

Hey avman -

Did these preferences last a long time? I've tried telling his dad that soon enough, he'll be #1 (after all, my son will most likely emulate his daddy, not me!) but he doesn't believe me....

 

I've tried going to his dad's but it doesn't work out too well.. mostly because he lives with his dad and step mom, and they are jehovah's witnesses. Very nice people, but they're always trying to convert me (and my son, for that matter!) And I know that if I showed up there, my son would fuss a lot if I was to leave suddenly..

[avman]

Did these preferences last a long time?

 

Well my sons did it for around a year. My daughter only did that for about 6 months. When my sons went to preschool that seemed to nip it since they started to learn some social skills and get used to being with a lot of different people. They weren't as clingy and then didn't seem to prefer one parent over the other nearly as much.

 

I know it hurts him when his son says he doesn't want to go with him but tell him that his son really doesn't understand what he's saying. Kids verbal skills are limited at that age and they just use whatever words they happen to know to express frustration, anger, etc. They can't really articulate their emotions so they lash out. Your son isn't trying to hurt his dad. He's just doing the best he can to express frustration at having to go to a different location. He just happens to be more comfortable with you right now so thats what he wants - and he'll be very vocal about it!

 

I've tried telling his dad that soon enough, he'll be #1

 

As long as their dad stays very involved with them, yep that's true. Sons tend to look up to their father provided he's a good role model, but they always love their mom too.

 

And I know that if I showed up there, my son would fuss a lot if I was to leave suddenly..

 

Hmmm yeah I was afraid of that. But it was worth a try.

[n83]

Avman -

We are looking into preschools for him. Actually I'm going on Friday to look at one. I'm hoping that, like your kids, being around others and gaining social skills will help with his "preference problem" (not that I'm complaining he wants to be around me...