Am I too paranoid

[jordanlozzy]

have been with my boyfriend for just under a year now.About 3 months into our relationship he was invited out by some of the people in his office. I am unsure of why but I felt a little uneasy about him going. None the less he went and came home again afterwards and said he had had a good evening and everything was normal between us. Even so I still couldnt get my suspicions out of my head. A few days later he came home and said he had been out for a drink with this 1 girl who was there on the night out as she had a bad day at work and wanted to talk about it. I immedietly got suspicious. The next morning I went through his text messages on his mobile. I found 1 message to her in the sent box that read something like " If it had been 6 months ago it would have been different but things are complicated now."

 

I walked out the house and he emailed me from work to say that she had asked him out on that night and they had gone for a drink so he could let her down gently.

 

Naturally when the next wok do came along a couple of weeks later I was apprehensive about him going. He went and I found later that they had kissed even though he says it was only a peck.

He said that as I mean so much to him he wouldnt see her again. Now I find he has been emailing her and they are all going out again before xmas, he hasnt told me yet and doesnt know that I know. Am I being silly?

[Juliana]

No. I think he's actually allowing her to pursue him to see if she's a "better" partner than you, only you aren't supposed to know you're in a competition (because that would hurt you, and he doesn't want to hurt you, ;P ).

 

Personally, I think that once someone has made their romantic interest clear, if you're in a relationship, you need to get away from that person, not go out with them more. You need to talk to him about this, and don't worry that you've snooped and found out things. What did he think would happen?

[englishwoman41]

You are not being silly and i would give him an ultimatum or split up with him.How dare he treat you this way !

[Batya33]

The problem here is mostly that you don't trust him. Even if it's entirely platonic, you feel the need to snoop, etc. - that's not healthy. I think your suspicions likely are right but I think the underlying problem is the lack of trust.

[Japanfreak05]

He needs to choose which person he wants to be with more.

 

I'm a suspicious person as well. YOU are a strong person to even be ok with him going with the girl in the first place. I don't think I could do it! lol. Once he told you they had kissed, that should have been the end of their relationship together. I know their friends and stuff but personally, I would have been angry.

 

He says he wants to be with you, so he'll stop talking to her. But he hasn't stoped talking to her. I'd say, either tell him you saw the email or wait for him to say "hey i'm going with that girl" or if he tires to make up a lie like "i'm going out with my friends" then based on that, you will know if he's trustable.

 

If you tell him you read the email, he shouldn't get mad....just tell him, you don't trust the girl, cuz girls can be very sneeky even if the guy has a girlfriend. Tell him you trust him, but don't trust the girl, and if anything else happened between the two of them, you don't know if you could trust him.

 

*thought* Maybe the girl has some issues and she likes attention from your BF she wants someone to care about her and make her feel better.

 

All in all, Everything happens for a reason.

[jordanlozzy]

ok it is a few days later and he still hasnt said that they will be going out again, hasnt mentioned it at all. Do I ask him or wait?

 

I suppose if I wait then I will find out if he will lie to me about it or not.

 

Any thoughts?

[Batya33]

I would say that if you are expecting him to lie, consider whether you want to be with someone you believe would lie to you in this or a similar situation. If that works for you, fine. Does it?

[jordanlozzy]

Well it had been 10 days and i haven't mentioned anything at all too him and then last night he said that he would be going out on a tuesday for xmas. He said it would be with 1 person and that he was male, he never mentioned that she would be going at all. I just said when you want to tell me the truth then we will talk about it and he still maintained that it was with this 1 man.

 

I told him that I knew it was in a small group and that she would be there. I didn't mention how I had found out and he said the reason he withheld that information was because he didn't want it too upset me.

 

I said that I was past caring about her-as this advice forum has really helped me do that, and that he should be more honest with me in future as i have really lost trust in him now and to be honest I'm not sure if I can get that trust back now. It feels like it has been totally destroyed because in a way I did expect him to lie to me.

 

Maybe I am wrong for thinking this but as zoom said if it is totally on the up and up?

 

Today I am hurting and I feel like this old wound has been opened again. I think what makes it worse is that he didn't say sorry, well he did but after about half hour of us talking about all of this I said I can't believe you haven't said sorry. It was only then that he said it.

 

What do I do now???????

[Momene]

He might have no intention at all of lining her up as a replacement for you or a backup if you split. My guess is that the attention from her flatters his ego and he likes it. However if he puts her down completely, she'll give this attention to somebody else.

 

My guess is that he isn't a nasty person but a rather weak one.