terk2021 Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 My fiance postponed our wedding 3 weeks before it. We had lived together in our house since April, and had a wedding scheduled for the end of July. It was downhill from there, and I asked her to move out at the end of August. Since, we have seen each other off and on, with her asking for the "break" once, which lasted a week and she regretted everything and missed me so much. Then 3 weeks later, another "break". This one requested until the end of the year so she can figure out life. We dated for about 9 months before we got engaged, and during that time, I became friends with lot of her friends. Most of them were couples, but some single girls. Since calling off the wedding, her friends have been watching what's been going on. This almost sounds kind of high school, but since her friends have been hanging out with me and calling me. This of course has driven my ex-fiance nuts. She has been calling me and accusing me of trying to make her look like the villan in everything. Her friends have told me a lot of things that she has done. Pretty much bad stuff, but she never cheated on me. Her friends felt she used me. I still love this woman very much. I am under the partial dillusion that we have a shot at getting back together. Her friends are telling me that I deserve much better, and some of them have even been trying to set me up. I don't want to sound petty, but it is nice to hear from people that have known her for a lot longer than I have that I have done nothing wrong, I am a nice guy, and I deserve better. It is becoming more realistic to me that my ex is probably never coming back, but I have made some great friends through the past year. Should I not be able to be friends with them, just because my fiance dumped me? I am 35 years old, and I have never been married. I know it's time to move on in my life, and these are great friends that feel they have wonderful friends that I should meet and go out with. Should I feel guilty? Link to comment
Beec Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 Whoa, your ex-fiance sounds a little controlling. First, she breaks the date for your wedding, then flip-flops on whether she wants you or not, but right now, after she has asked to break it off, she wants to control who you get to talk to and see? In my view, she set you free, you are free to do as you wish. Get those dates rolling. if she doens't like it, T.S. Link to comment
BornToResist Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 I agree with Beec. She seems pretty controlling. A few years ago I was in a relationship for a few years and my bf and I both hung out with my group of friends. We broke it off (both of us were pretty bitter about it too) and he maintained his friendships with my friends. I was upset about it at first, but realized that it is NOT my place to say anything. It's not hers either. Don't feel guilty and don't end good friendships with people you like just because of your ex. Link to comment
terk2021 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 The other thing she is saying is that I never loved her, and hanging out with her friends is proving it??? Link to comment
Beec Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 The other thing she is saying is that I never loved her, and hanging out with her friends is proving it??? Wow, that is a very passive aggressive manuver. Yikes, she is trying to pull like you are a puppet on a string, and she controls how much slack you get. DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER WILL ROBINSON.... Link to comment
kuhaaica Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 The other thing she is saying is that I never loved her, and hanging out with her friends is proving it??? no worries shes desperate to get you away from them for whatever reason, a selfish one i wuld guess. I would ignore those comments, shes trying anything to be controlling and get her way... Link to comment
terk2021 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 Could it be that she is realizing what she lost? For 1.2 years, I had someone that loved me so much, and did all of the little things to show it. What changed in our relationship was the "promise" her career started to show her, and the change in priority I became. Now here career is starting to kill her off a little... The bad part for me is I still love her. I had an incredible woman for 1.2 years, and for 4 months I have seen someone completely different. Is it possible that what I had for 1.2 years may come back? I am learning that I should not sit around and wait for it, but I have to say that I LOVED that woman with all of my heart. The one in front of me now, I hardly recognize... Link to comment
Beec Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 terk2021, take a look at my signature. Read it and think about what it says: "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." Now, the question I ask of you is: Has she acted in such a way as to promote the ultimate good for you? If she truly knew what love was and acted with that in her heart, she would have done so, in more cases than not. If she has not, then she did not love you. Love is not just how she felt, it's how she treated you. I don't think you have been loved. Link to comment
terk2021 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 Well spoken. Which woman she really is, I may never know, but I may have been truly blessed to find out before saying "I do". Thanks. Link to comment
terk2021 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 So what if I still love her? Link to comment
Beec Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 I think the things that you have been told by her "friends" also really backs that up. You're welcome. My guess is that you are still going to need some time to heal from this ending. I might not begin to seriously date anyone right now. So, you might want to take your time getting to the introductions mentioned by you above. I would however recommend dating and really dating women who are not relationship material for you, right now. No more than a few dates, but it's good to get back out there when you are putting no pressure on the situation. Revised: What if you still love her? Well, love is an emotional attachment, so think about what you are attached to? You know, abusive relationships are addictive. If she was controlling, are you hooked into what she did? Link to comment
terk2021 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 It's been 4 months since we have truly gone out. I have had my "rebound dates" for about a month now since I have seen her last... I am ready to move forward in life. One of my friends put it to me best: "Quit giving her the milk if she does not want to buy the cow". I love that quote... Link to comment
Beec Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Well, if you still love her, then you have not really, imo, had the rebound bounce. However, the other thing I would tell you to do is that when you are in the dating stages to date more than one woman at a time. Having a rotation, keeps you from allowing any one of them too much time, too much contact, too much anything. It requires you to remain a little aloof for a while, and you take things slower with each one. When you find that one woman is the one you keep wanting to see, then you naturally begin to whittle things down so that you are only seeing her. And if you do it right, that's about the time she wants to be serious with you. The one big caveat and drawback, as I see it, no sex until you pick one. And you also need to realize, if she wants back, you will have trust issues. Tough to get over those. Send the cow out to pasture. Link to comment
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