Tired, Downtrodden, Consumed, Angry, Depressed...

[sumguy]

Forgive me eNotalone for I have sinned, it has been many days since my last post...

 

Well, not sinned, not really. I actually don't know. The following is flowing straight from my head through my fingers and onto the screen... How can I make this quick? Um... I hate myself. That's probably the core of it, I hate who I am at the moment, I hate the fact that who I am and who people expect me to be are two different people, I hate the fact that I am capable of hating... I just can't stand who I am at the moment.

 

The problem with that is that I am the most honest, truest to basic version of myself that I have been in a long time. For the first time in forever I've been standing up for myself, putting my self in situations I might not have been comfortable with, trying to grow both "Up" and as a person.

 

And the first step I took was cutting out a person in my life, she made me this way, has been for years hollowing out my confidence with her vehement two-faced ways. She's just one of those people who * * * * *es about others behind their backs, even people she considers her closest friends, and I have the auspicious honour of being one of those highly observant people who catalogues and remembers everything - from an outright insult to a subtle shift in behaviour - and then I let my imagination run wild with the "whys?"

 

Got a bit sidetracked, anyway I told her to go away, to leave me alone. I decided from the first step that I wouldn't stoop to her games, I would take the high road, go above her, be the bigger person. And now I'm wishing I hadn't, because by not defending myself I've put myself in the posistion of having pent up anger and ghosts of things unsaid hovering around me.

 

And what's worse, is that by not defending myself, I've started questioning whether or not I was right. Whether she really is a horrible person, or if I'm the horrible person...

 

She's gone and made it a "Choose him or me" scenario with mutual friends, Why should I have to compete with her for friendship? I introduced her to most of these people... god, it makes me tired, I'm tired of feeling like I should compete and fight to have friends - even though I don't. Tired of carrying around two personalities, me and my 'party face' more tired than an 18 year old should be...

 

I'm hoping to achieve a little peace of mind writing this here, I don't want to talk to anyone about this, I haven't posted in a while because people I knew read this... hopefully they've stopped...

 

I just want to be feel right...

[FoxLocke]

Hi sumguy!

 

Well, believe it or not what you did was defend yourself. By telling this person to go away and leave you alone you set a boundary. That is a good thing. Now, you just have to tell her WHY you set said boundary, and that can be very difficult...

I can relate so much to you because I was(and still am to a certain degree)the same way. I used to be two different people. To the outside world I was perfect...But the real me was angry, confused, sad, and depressed. I wasn't just angry I was enraged because I spent my life not saying anything and allowing people to just treat me any kind of way...

It has taken months of therapy to cope with such a destructive life pattern, and I've done very well thus far...

 

Anyway, I think--if you two are really friends--you should have a brutally honest discussion about the way you feel. She is going to keep doing whatever as long as you allow it.

 

Now go child, and sin no more...

 

Sorry I could not resist that.

[ladydragonfly]

I so admire you for being able to tell that person in your life to get out. I am currently in a relationship that makes me feel all the same things you stated: tired, angry, depressed...all of it. I am constantly being criticized, snapped at and made to feel wrong, and through it all I put on the happy face and repress everything deep inside where it is eating me up. Be proud that you found the strength to get rid of this person and don't doubt yourself.

 

Lady Dragonfly

[KIDD]

I say good riddance to her!! You don't need people in your life that's going to bring you down or make you feel like crap. Surround yourself with people that's going to uplift you in your walk & your spirit.Constantly being around her will make you feel worse. When you surround yourself with good & HONEST people, it uplifts you! Be wise about who you chose as your friends! I will say at least discuss with her about how you're feeling & see what's really going on.

 

Best of luck to you!

[sumguy]

Feeling better today, thanks for your replies, I'll take it all under consideration =)