Advice Please on little situation

[hope123]

I need someone to hear me out of this and forget all my other posts and just try to understand me and where i am coming from.

 

 

I have not seen my b/f in 5 days...and for a certain reason he has something at work where he only gets 1 hour break and thats it and gets out at like 5(i don't wanna be too detailed but thats not really the problem) If we don't speak at all during his break then we won't speak til 6:30 pm when he is home or doing whatever...that to me is too little communication especially when we havent seen each other this week..so i call him at 12:30--thinking maybe he is still busy but giving it a chance...and he answers and is basically like whats up...never a nice greeting like hi honey..and then he says he is playing with his lap top( he has been trying to get something to work) When i hear what he is doing--i just say--you weren't gonna call me? And that automatically made him so mad at me and he basically said--what i am supposed to call you as soon as i have a break? (Which is making me feel he will call when he GETS AROUND TO IT)--the thing is--i called him at 12:30--which means he probably wasn't even planning on calling at that time or at all..If he was gonna call--i have a feeling it would have been at about 12:50--right before the class begins. We sat in silence for the next minute or so and i tried to change the subject and he says i don't really have much else to say--you really pissed me off just now...and then after that he says he was going to get something to eat before the break ended..and i sarcastically say well it was nice talking to you and he pretty much hung up.

 

It just makes me feel like he does not even miss me at all or think of me first. He was not doing anything mandatory or anything..but he doesn't think of me first. I'm not saying it has to be like that all the time..but i have this feeling a lot..Does anyone here believe that even when you are apart from your S/0 you should still feel close to them? Because i feel alone actually... but yet i still love him.

[hope123]

I also want to add that that schedule with only being able to talk during that break was for 3 days only.

[dogheadma]

I don't know, does he neglect to call you often? Just this one isolated incident that you speak of sounds like you are overreacting a bit. If he does fail to call you frequently, then it would bother me a little bit too but if that's the case then just call him. If he doesn't answer your calls then that again seems a bit rude to me but you should just explain to him that you really look forward to hearing from him and it would make you really happy if you could just say hi to each other a little more often. Communication and trust; these are the keys to a happy and functional relationship and it has to come from both sides. Always keep that in mind when you have doubts about his behavior.

[caro33]

Hey hope, maybe you got his back up and that's why he reacted badly, so let's put aside that particular conversation, unless there's something more to it?

 

Re the general issue, if we just look at how often he takes the initiative: I am not clear, in the past five days, when has he called you? How has he sounded?

 

I agree that it's hard when you feel left out like this, and feel that it's one-sided, particularly when you miss them. It would be ideal if when he has some time he is able to organise himself better to call, and obviously, for him to have the will to call. But we all get caught up in stuff sometimes and occasionally take our partner for granted - it's like 'I know I should call, but I'll do it after i get this thing sorted out - it's not like we won't speak later anyway'. I have to admit I've done that, and I've certainly been on the receiving end of it. I guess if you want to look at this objectively it's worth assessing how often you feel neglected and weighing up these cons with the pros of the relationship.

 

No doubt you'll also get people talking about how some people just don't like being on the phone etc...

[hope123]

Hey,

 

that was pretty much it for today's convo--in two minutes we managed to fight and i don't know if i should be the one to call..It is like--he doesn't even see it as a nice thing-that his g/f wants to speak to him and wants to communicate and wants to feel like she is needed etc.

 

I actually had to speak with him about 2 days ago--saying things feel different betweent. What i said to him was--how we are in person seems very different from how we are apart..I told him he can be "rough around the edges with me" and that was the best way i can describe it to him.

 

Basically and i would like to know if anyone else agrees with this--when you have a b/f or g/f--don't you generally speak with them a little different than you would a friend..What i mean is--don't you think a little bit of a softer side comes out with the way you speak to the other person. Lately when we speak--he just sounds like hey, what's up...like doesnt even sound enthused that i called like how you sound in the beginning of a relationship and i take it personally..i brush it off thinking its work or this or that..BUT you should sound A LITTLE happy when hearing from your g/f or just have a change in attitude because they brighten your day. I don't really get a hi honey or i miss you..rarely ever..its more of what i have just described than a softer side--its like sometimes he sounds really nice on the phone but more often its the opposite.

 

And here is another thing..he always has to be busy which is fine--otherwise he says he feels like he is getting tired..there is probably more to it than that but this what he says...anyway--the thing is also..that whenever i call in the past few days--he is always doing something and wont put it down for like 2 minutes to just talk to ME. I would be fine if he just spoke to me for a few and then started doing other stuff while on the phone.

If its productive stuff i won't mind too often--like fixing something or cleaning out a drawer--but the other day i call him and he is trying to get rid of a pimple!! i would say something and he would take extra longer to respond so then i said are you busy or something? and thats how i knew what he was doing. He said yeah i was doing this but thats ok.(almost like i was interrupting!!)..i call him another time and he is like i was just about to call someone..and it makes me think--well what do u want me to do..say ok go call the person, talk to you later...i dont know but these little things are building up but atleast i told him he can be rough around the edges.

[dogheadma]

I don't really get a hi honey or i miss you..rarely ever..its more of what i have just described than a softer side--its like sometimes he sounds really nice on the phone but more often its the opposite.

 

 

Communicate to him that this is how you're feeling. It's always up to us to make our desires known.

[hope123]

He says he is not good at expressing himself..he says it sometimes but then when it goes weeks without any of that--i get frustrated and resentful and sad i think.

 

I even put it out there sometimes--and actually say so do you miss me? and a lot of the time he will come back with a sarcastic eh or not really..obviously he doesnt mean it but--if i asking that--i'm asking for a reason..sometimes he will answer yes all the time--but more often its sarcasm..and i have told this before but a personality cant change i guess..but i take it personally i guess.

I have even said do you love me and he has answered sarcastically--so i don't even ask anymore..or i ask less often. He doesnt get it--its like he is afraid to say those words...I MISS YOU, I LOVE YOU.

 

Should i call him or no?

[caro33]

It really sounds like you have different communication styles hope. And yes, he might be one of the bad on the phone types. Perhaps he was better in the early days, but it's dropped off now a little because he's not on his best behaviour any more trying to impress you.

 

What I would suggest is that whatever you would normally do right now, don't do it. If you would normally call and go through this again, don't expect a different outcome now. What would you normally do? Perhaps leave him alone and give him a chance to miss you, then when you next speak make a plan to spend time together.

 

When you have some time together, no other plans (go get some soup maybe ) have a nice time but also maybe make time to say to him something along the lines of it seems you guys have been talking past one another recently. That you're not sure you've understood what he's been doing, and that's why perhaps you've called at the wrong times (this may be untrue as far as you're concerned but at least it sets a non-accusatory foundation and might help him be more open with you). That you would like to speak with him when you're apart, and perhaps you and he need to agree what would be a reasonable expectation here, and when you should call. That you would expect him to call you too sometimes, and what does he think of all that?

[hope123]

I actuallly spent like 30 minutes thinking about all this and i came to the conclusion that some of my emotional needs are NOT being met. And i need to tell him.

 

I feel like the niceness is gone in some ways---when your g/f or b/f calls do you sound 70% of the time like hey, yeah whats up? as if they are just some ordinary person to you? Don't your eyes light up a little the majority of the time or it brings a smile to your face..b/c i feel like thats the way it should be if you aren't have a particularly bad day.

 

B/c this is how it sounds lately when i call him or sometimes when i am on the phone with him..and i need to tell him if this is due other reasons not related to me--i need that stated but i still need a little bit more of a softer side at times. It did not sound like this a year ago. Some of the things in the beginning of a relationship need to stay the same, somewhat anyway.

 

And i feel like the i love you's are said so quickly and it makes me think--when has he EVER looked straight at me and said those words..i can't really think of a time but its an emotional need i need..not for it to just be mumbled or only said when i say it. I mean for me to say--do you love me in a sweet and soft voice--a bell should go off and make him think..i guess i dont say it enough.

 

And sex is not the only thing that will make me feel close to you and since we spend more time apart than together--i need some of that niceness back so it can be reciprocated..b/c i feel my attitude goes sour when i hear him sometimes and in spite of it, i still love him.

 

I want to say these things to him--is it wrong--think it will help?

[caro33]

It's never wrong to share how you feel, but the issue as I see it is how you choose to share it. It's about picking your time, picking your place, picking your verbal and your body language. If you get any of these fundamentally wrong you may well hear things from him you don't like. If you make an effort to get these all right, you will be positioning yourself and your boyfriend to get the best out of the situation, in that he should be able to hear and understand your concerns and have the emotional space to respond honestly without being defensive.

 

Whatever you do, do not just pick up the phone and give him an earful. If you want to vent, vent here, or vent in front of the mirror, anywhere other than in his vicinity or the vicinity of people who might judge or tell him what you said.

 

You may well not have meant to imply you would vent to him, so sorry if I have misread this. But it looks like you got yourself into a state of frustration there, and while it's valid, it needs to be filtered so that your valid statements don't get wrapped in too much emotion. If he feels like he is beng attacked, or not being given the space to consider and respond, he may well bite back, and he certainly won't absorb what you're saying.

 

Another thing, keep your messages to him clear and easily brought back to one or two key points. Many men do not follow the female 'blurt it all out because it's all related by concept if not in action' style of argument. You need to be clear and precise with what your concerns are and provide means for him to understand how he can better meet your needs.

[hope123]

I don't think this stuff should make him feel attacked as a long as i am not saying it in this mean and harsh way.

 

But i really don't know if i will be able to say all of this. I feel like e-mail i can probably organize my thoughts more but its not as personal. I don't know what to do.

[hope123]

I decided to write everything down in an e-mail and i told him i sent him something about the problem. I figured it would be a little easier and i would have everything stated as clear as i can get rather then trying to remember everything i want to say--the gist of it was--it seems some of the nice and sweetness faded away a little bit and i miss that.

 

Does anyone think i am wrong--that after a year and a half when you talk to the person on the phone--it will sound different and unlike the beginning of a relationship? i still think some excitement should be in the person's voice to hear from you unless they are just having a really bad day..what i am getting from him more so than not is basically, hey, what's up? like i'm just someone ordinary to him. I dunno..there is no hi hun or nothing in like a sweet sounding voice..maybe i am being too picky but i leave some of the conversations feeling empty and thinking does he even miss me?

[caro33]

Look it depends. If he sounds like he doesn't want to hear from you that's a problem. If he sounds ambivalent, it might be insulting. If he treats you like a friend rather than a lover, I can understand you might feel a little second best. However it's completely down to his style. You keep sounding like you are comparing this guy to some ideal man in your head, and the fact is, he's just another person with his own quirks and attitudes, and it's impossible for us to tell from what you're saying whether you are over-reacting or not.

 

Your issue is still around communication. It's not about merely not being 'mean or harsh', you need to be completely clear with him that this is how you feel, not that he is 'wrong' or has failed on some perfect boyfriend test.

 

I understand completely the desire to have these difficult conversations 'virtually' so you don't have to face the fear of it going wrong face-to-face, but hope, it's not very constructive after a year, year and a half together, and it doesn't help your communucation issue at all. So much of everything you post about seems to fundamentally come down to a communication issue. We have also talked in other posts about longer term stuff with this guy, why not get some practice in now to develop your means of expressing your needs and resolving potential conflict?

 

So you have sent the email?

[dogheadma]

No, you are absolutely not wrong to tell him how you feel. Communication is a very vital part of a functioning relationship. I think e-mail is definitely not the most respectful way to do it though. You should be able to look him in the eye and say it to him in person. Just like you said, you don't have to say it in a harsh way, say it with love. The fact that you are expressing your needs and desires to him is a good thing. You are creating an open line of communication which is exactly what any good relationship needs. An analogy for you: You can have the most beautiful garden in the world, but how do you think it got that way? You have to be willing to get down and pull a few weeds once in a while! This is how the two of you will find your balance. You can be honest without attacking. Just let him know some things have been bugging you a little bit lately and you would like to discuss them and then kindly explain to him what they are and tell him you would like to reach some sort of middle ground or at least find out a little bit more about where he's coming from. You can do this. It's part of the deal when you make a commitment. It's not all laughs and warm fuzzy feelings although a good relationship should feel that way a majority of the time. But you've also got to put in the effort to get through the slightly rough and rougher times too. It's part of the package, and you're doing exactly the right thing.

[VeganBohemian]

I think two things are happening here. He is not giving you the appropriate attention, however he feels that it is because of his work/school or whatever. You feel he is not giving you the appropriate attention and that it is because he must be losing interest in you/doesn't love you or miss you, etc. You are only picking at these small issues because you feel you two are not as close or loving with one another as you once were and you have this heightened awareness of when he calls you, what he says, etc.

 

In reality, you will continue to pick on him about minute details---which really do not matter---and he will continue to get annoyed at you for doing so which will cause an even bigger barrier between you two. Your relationship will become more like "work" to him and it will take a lot of the fun and closeness out of it.

 

I don't know what you should except sit him down and explain that yes, you are being irrational, however it is only because you feel like he does not miss you or love you. Tell him that it doesn't really matter what times he calls you, let him know that you understand that he is busy and that you want him to do well in school and work, but that for a relationship to work, communication is needed as well.

 

Good luck Hope!

 

~Kelly

[VeganBohemian]

This may be off topic....but I say "Hi, what's up?" to my boyfriend all the time on the phone...and I love him!

 

You are being too picky, however...I believe this is only because you two have become more about the problems and not about the closeness. He probably did something wrong first and that caused to have a heighened awareness of when he calls you and how he talks to you. He does not sound very affectionate and that is a legitimate issue.

[hope123]

He is actually pretty affectionate in public and usually when we are together alone.

 

I dont think i am being too picky--saying hi whats up is fine if its actually in an enthused and somewhat happy voice--it hasnt been like that. And like i said--i guess after a year and a half that changes from the beginning--but i like that niceness or sweetness on the phone especially if we dont see each other alot. I know not all the time if someone is having a bad day--but it hasnt been one day or two days..i did send that e-mail to him explaining this and other things--and he said to me that he agrees with me--and i have noticed a little change in his attitude on the phone with me. So maybe i wasnt being so picky.

[caro33]

well that's a good outcome then, good for you

[dogheadma]

Excellent! Sounds like you two are communicating well and finding your balance. Glad to hear it!