Devastating and painful, Help !!!!!!!!

[L.J.]

Hi guys,

 

After two years into a relationship, I moved in with my ex, held her hand in building a career, bought a house, worked on home improvements, and truly thought she was the one I was going to settle with. The relationship lasted 4 years before she decided that I was not the right man for her. I respected her decision gracefully, moved out but I was devastated. I had no one to turn to for support ( I am from another country and my close friends are her family). The grieving was long and tedious. I missed being in a relationship but was reluctant to date again until I am emotionally stable. I buried myself in work and focus on putting my life together. It has been five years now.

 

10 months ago I met someone and started dating again. She's 41, a divorcee with a teenage kid and I am 48. The relationship started out casually and I was careful. I asked how long she has been divorced. She told me 2 years so I thought it was alright and safe to be in a relationship with her. It wasn't intended to be a lie. I realized later she actually was separated for 2 years and still going through the legal proceedings. By then, I was already emotionally attached.

 

We got intimate one night and right after sex, she told me that she was afraid she might hurt me because she's still not completely healed from her broken marriage. She's not capable of giving me fully of herself. She said she had prior relationships before me and had hurt other people, that she cares for me, wants to continue our relationship but I should not expect it to be a normal one in terms of her time and commitment. I was hurt, should walk away from the relationship, but it is also true she's going through an emotional roller coaster. Well, I also have to admit I am too weak to leave. I spent the last five years dealing with pain from a break up and fear having to do so again.

 

We continue to see each other but only at her convenience. I try to be understanding because she's a busy single mom, has a career and needs to have time with her own friends too. Although I was introduced and met her friends once and her mom a couple of times, I was never invited to do things with them. It was always a female get together, a support group to deal with her divorce and depression so I never insist to be included. I wish we could spend more time together but am always reminded of the expectation we talked about. We see each other only for a few hours, once in every two or three weeks, just enough time for a romantic dinner and intimacy at my place. Though I have a comfortable home, she's not ready for whatever reasons to stay over. She has a teenage son. He doesn't know his mom and I are dating.

 

I thought I was doing all the right things. I don't know because I have no experience in dating a divorced woman before. I only know how to be kind and sensitive to her. I care about her, she's going through a very painful transition.

 

We make plans to go on a vacation three months ago and she cancelled on me, went on a short trip with her friends instead. When we first started dating, she had mentioned that she would like to go to Europe someday because she has never been there before. Last month she received news that her divorce was final and went into an emotional tail spin. While we were having dinner at a nice restaurant one evening, I offered to take her to Europe for a vacation. She declined my offer and since then things began to change.

 

She doesn't return my phone calls promptly like she used to. When she does, conversation were short. We get together lesser and she refrain from intimacy with me. I talked to her about it and she said she had already warned me from the very beginning not to expect much from our relationship, that I will be hurt. I asked if she is seeing someone else and she say no.

 

She wanted to take a step back from intimacy, put the relationship on hold (she doesn't know for how long, possibly forever it needed) but still want to be with me on a friendly basis because her life is so chaotic now. We left the conversation at that and she left for the night. This was last week. I am sad, devastated, depressed, angry with myself for getting into this but she is right. She had all the bases covered, she told me right from the start not to expect a normal relationship from her. I don't what to do, I am calling out for help before I fall apart. Thanks.

 

](*,)

[DN]

You are allowing yourself to be used and it is hurting you.

 

Stop allowing that. Make a decision that she is causing you more pain than happiness and find someone who does the opposite.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA L.J.! Great to have you around here.

 

Oh man, I'm sorry this is happening to you. The fact that you mention your 4-year relationship first and what you speak of it in terms of your devastation and attachment to her family really says to me that you aren't completely over that one. And I think a bit of those residual feelings got in the way of the very obvious signs this more recent woman was giving you.

 

I have been on those emotional rollercoasters before and know how you feel. It is tough to get off of them and it takes damn near every ounce of willpower you have to make a separation.

 

Well, you've done it before in a more difficult situation L.J. Burying yourself in work and getting your life back together is the way to go here at this point. You succeeded in doing this in a more difficult situation, you can do it here.

 

I strongly suggest you cut all ties with your most recent ex, for the time being at least. You need to get out of the amusement park and my experience has overwhlemingly told me the way to do that is give it distance and time. If you stick around being "friends" (notice quotes) with her right now, you will only get more confused, disappointed, and ultimately hurt.

 

You can be friends later on down the road but now isn't the time for that. Cut it clean and shift into crisis management mode like you did before.

[Grokker]

LJ:

 

First, brother... you've no idea how much I identify with that. I've been through experiences like this a couple of times and they're terribly painful each time.

 

From your post, it would seem you and I tend to act very much alike in relationships we're serious about.

 

I'm afraid of losing what I have with the other person... so I give everything of myself away in this banzai attempt to be everything I think my partner needs or wants me to be.

 

I'm ashamed to admit it, but in hindsight I see that I have even deliberately picked women who seem to be needy on some level. Such as those going through a difficult life experience (a divorce, at the start of a tough career, in financial or personal turmoil).... because some part of me entertains the sick hope that my presense and giving will keep them dependent on me and prevent them from leaving. It stems from a self-esteem issue which is pretty savagely off kilter in the first place.

 

I am always, always there with everything I think they might want... emotional support, doing favours, giving gifts, paying for stuff, you name it. They're really appreciative and loving, for a while, and I think I've found the right relationship! Then at some point, to my almost disbelieving horror, they start asking for "space", or withdrawing their emotional commitment (such as your recent divorcee girlfriend "not wanting to hurt you").

 

I go into giving overdrive. I sit and count the hours and days before it would be appropriate to contact her again and seem to be giving her "space"... hours and days, I realize later, that I could actually have been Living. I contort every aspect of my existence to be just that perfect presense at this very difficult moment in her life, giving no thought to what I'm doing to my own life in the bargain.

 

And still she withdraws. By this point, if she herself is a decent human being and not brimming with her own self-esteem... she is unable to find the heart to dump me cleanly. So she just withdraws, keeps away, doesn't call, doesn't send emails or texts, as if her whole experience with me were a bad dream that might just vanish if she kept her eyes closed long enough. Far from being a source of comfort, the feeling that she owes me for all that I have tried to do, has added to her emotional turmoil! At this point, she just wants me gone.

 

And it hurts, LJ, by God it hurts. What a thing to happen. I've completely compromised everything of myself, even my self-esteem... and this woman, who by all rights should be kissing the ground I walk on... doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore! How am I supposed to feel about myself, my value as a human being?

 

What can I tell you but that it happens, and I know how you feel. I went through almost exactly this a few months ago, and while I'm over it for the most part I still can't think about it without a momentary naked pang.

 

So here it is. Sometimes no matter how badly we might want to... we CAN'T be everything another person wants or needs us to be. In fact, no matter how hard we try, from the other person's point of view the best thing we can be is gone from their lives. Maybe, just maybe, at some point the person will want you in her life again in some capacity or other... but she feels more uncomfortable the more you express or hint at your desire for that day to come.

 

For us, it's best to not even consider that possibility. For our own sakes, it's important to remove from ourselves all thoughts, all hopes of a future with that person... because every time you let yourself think about it, you're only reinforcing the horribly destructive emotional pattern that brought you to where you are in the first place. You're only entertaining a hope based on what wasn't a good relationship for you, or your self-esteem from the very beginning.

 

I'd say, though I know how much it hurts, let it go. This one's over, bro. Keep posting on here, it helped me a lot to come here and identify with problems other folks were having, because as the name of the site says, none of us is alone.

 

You'll be all right, man. Hang in there... there's a lot better in store for you.

 

Hugs,

Grokker

[friscodj]

That's a candidate for ENA post of the year Grokker...

[L.J.]

Thank you so much for responding DN, friscodj and Grokker. I truly appreciate your kindness. I am aware of that, DN, that she's causing me more pain than happiness. I will take your advise and stop permitting her from doing so. I have tried and will continue to try, friscodj, with every damn ounce of willpower if there is any left in me. I only hope it doesn't take another five years of burying myself in work. I want to be living my life too, you know. This really blows.

 

Grokker, though I don't deliberately picked women who seem needy (least they weren't when I started dating them), what you said make so much sense. You paint it so clear and simple in your words, I am seeing a bigger picture of what is going on with me and my relationship(s).

 

You guys are shedding light towards a right decision. So what does cutting it clean means? We have not been in touch since she left my house last week. Do I apply a NC right away or should I break off in person with her? Oh GAWD, this is so painful. I hope I don't fall to pieces.

[friscodj]

Hey L.J.-

 

A couple of thoughts:

 

1) I think you might be missing something here...you don't need to be in a relationship to live your life! So don't just bury yourself in work, bury yourself in life.

 

Do you have hobbies? Passions in life? Ever wanted to try something but never got around to it? Now's your chance. Use this situation to ignite your fire man, the fire for life...your life. Take a trip, do something crazy...and love it...

 

2) I get the sense from your last paragraph that fear is consuming you. Are you afraid of leaving this situation? Afraid of leaving the security and familiarity, albeit distressed and painful for you? I understand my man...

 

The conviction to walk away and stay away has to come from your heart, not advice from Internet strangers of anyone else for that matter. First, you need to believe letting this go is the way to go. Figure it out, think about it, and think through it. That means look and think past these ancillary feelings of attachment, need, fear, etc. If those feelings did not exist, what would you do? Look at the situation from an outsider's perspective. If your very best friend were in this situation, what advice would you give them?

 

Once you figure that out, whatever method you believe in and choose to deliver the message to her is fine.

 

3) You will fall to pieces, either quickly by letting this go or piece-by-piece by staying in this situation. The quicker you fall apart, the quicker you can pick up the pieces, rebuild, and live and love your life.

[Momene]

Friscodj said what I was going to. Explore other interests and social outlets. You don't have to date but if you meet someone you like don't let her stop you. You don't owe her anything and she's replaceable.